Hello everyone, I'm new to empty closets, just signed up. I don't even know why I'm on here writing; I know that I should "man up" and just accept things the way they are...but I'm so confused, upset, and even despairing that I just feel the need to reach out and ask for some feedback. I also don't know where to start with my story...so I guess I'll start with where I am now. I don't know why or how or what, but for the second time in my life, I'm sitting here questioning my sexuality. I'm so angry and bitter that I'm here in his place all over again, but I am. Except this time, it's even worse than the first time...I'm questioning if I am gay anymore; indeed, if I ever really was gay. I'm 26 years old, and came out of the closet at 16. I'd known I was gay since hitting puberty, maybe even before; men were all I was ever attracted to, all I'd ever fantasized about. I was deeply ashamed of that fact, though. I lived in terror that someone would find out, and I hoped and prayed that god would make me straight, that I would finally be "normal." I was so filled with self-loathing and fear, that I even attempted suicide. I swore I'd never ever tell anyone, but one day I just did. It was the best thing I'd ever done, although I didn't know it at the time. My coming out experience was a very depressing affair; there was even a few times where I questioned if I'd made a mistake, if I'd come out too soon, if I really was gay. There were a few other suicide attempts after the fact, but I overcame that depression and was able to live life as an out (if not necessarily proud) gay man. Fast forward ten years, to now. I've dated and hooked up with numerous men over the past decade, had a few boyfriends. But it was always my most fervent hope to find the man of my dreams, to find a long-term partner, a man to spend the rest of my life with. I was so sure that I knew what I wanted. I finally met that man last year. He was literally everything I'd ever dreamed of finding in boyfriend, the kind of man I'd hoped for and daydreamed for years, literally. He was a bit older than me (44 to my 26) but I didn't care; older men had always been one of my types. I fell for him completely, head over heals. Although I'd had relationships in the past, he was my first real, significant relationship. I was so sure he was the one that I moved in with him after four months. Almost immediately, though I began to question if it was the right move. I started having doubts; not because of anything he did or said (he wasn't perfect, but nothing that was a deal breaker), but just doubts. I realize now that these kind of doubts are normal in a relationship, especially after the honeymoon phase is over, but I kept feeling them. I refused to acknowledge them, though, and shoved them away. I began seeing a therapist, hoping to gain some insight. After every session I felt better, but then those nagging doubts came back, which I didn't understand: How could I question my love for my boyfriend? How could I question this relationship? Sure we moved fast, and I threw myself into the relationship, but it and he are everything I've ever wanted, why am I not happy? This caused me a LOT of stress over the last month and a half of the relationship. I began to question everything; if I'd wanted this for so long and suddenly seem to to not want anymore, what else in my life that I'd been so sure of up to this point do I not really want? Is it my boyfriend? Is it this kind of relationship? Is it men overall? I began to question my sexuality, and this has led to a major identity crisis. I'm just devastated. All this doubt, all this questioning. The crux of the matter at this point is: in questioning my sexuality, I no longer really feel an attraction to men, and have discovered an attraction to women that while not unacknowledged, was never really taken seriously. I remember what I was attracted to in men, I remember my "types", but although my eyes are drawn to them, there is nothing there. There is for women, now, though. Sometimes there's something there for men again, but it's not with the same intensity. The thrill, the rush of attraction, it's all gone. The thing is, I don't want to be straight. I want to be gay; I treasured that part of my identity. I of course didn't define myself completely by it, but with that unraveling, I have no idea what else in my life is true. Like I said in the beginning part of this post, I know I should just see the writing on the wall, and "man up" and accept this because nothing stays the same; accept it and move on, but I just can't. It's SO HARD to let this go, because that ideal, that dream relationship with a boyfriend, was so comforting to me. And even though the relationship didn't last with my previous boyfriend, for a short period of time I was happier than I'd even been in my entire life. I just can't imagine having that same kind of relationship with a woman. But just as the "straight man" suddenly realizing he's actually gay has to accept it, I feel like I need to as well, just from the opposite end. This isn't the way it was supposed to go. A lot of people I know are saying that it's not necessarily a question of sexuality; sometimes, in a relationship, even though people are perfect on paper, they're just not "it," they're just not meant to be. Some say I've just been traumatized, and that I'm torturing myself over the failure of this relationship, over guilt that I've broken the heart of someone I care so much for but whose love I couldn't return in full...which would make sense, except for the flip flopping in attractions. I know there are people who are going to say I shouldn't put so much importance on labels, I should in the future look for who the person is rather than what they are, and all that jazz...but that's so easy for someone who is secure in their own sexuality to say. I just wish I were normal...I wish I could just be like the vast majority of people out there, secure in wherever they are on the spectrum of sexuality...I thought I'd had everything figured out. Now I realize I know nothing. Am I gay? Was I ever really gay? I wonder if maybe I'd come out of the closet too early, if maybe everyone in my highschool who said "it's just a phase" was right...I hate my life right now. I apologize for making this so long; I could write a ton more about this situation, but I won't right now. I don't even know why I'm reaching out in the first place...I'm the only one who can help myself. I guess I'm just wondering if this has happened to someone else? I've found a few examples on the internet, but it always seems to be with lesbians, or teenaged/early 20's boys. Has this happened to anyone, in their late 20s or later, and have they switched back? Or is this permanent? I'm so upset I'm back to this questioning place again.. I'm so confused. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/images/smilies2/help.gif
