Hi Firstly i just wanted to talk with other people who have had the same kind of experience, someone i may be able to relate with, i just really need some advice and I've no one else to turn to in my life. I don't even know how to start. I'm a 23 year old male, but i really don't feel like i am. I have been questioning myself for a long time now, when i was younger, around 11, i started having feelings, little thoughts like what it would be like to be a girl. I started wanting to find that out - i know it may sound weird but - i started to try on my sisters dresses and use some of her make up, just to try and get some kind of idea. For a long time i never felt that comfortable growing up, like something just wasn't right, when i started dressing, i felt more comfortable. But one time when i did try it, my dad ended up catching me, he just had a look of embarrassment and a "what the hell are you doing" kinda face, i quickly just said that i was trying something. There have been a few other instances where i would dress up as a girl, but then for a long time i started acting really macho, i started almost putting on an act, trying to look and act like something i wasn't. I started hanging out with certain people and started going to the gym and building myself up. One of the things i have done for most of my life also is to never show any emotions, thinking that this somehow would make me a stronger person. I would never let myself submit to my feeling and would just keep them buried. The thing is the cracks started to show when i was around 15-16, for quite a while i had ridiculed gay people, saying that it was wrong, but as time went on, i knew that i liked men as well, i think i was just rebelling for so long that eventually the feelings just came out. But as well as that really started to wonder about my gender as well. Growing up, i never felt that comfortable being thought of as male, it just didn't feel right. so to mask these feelings i started doing more steriotypical male things like going to the gym and gaining more muscle, hanging out with certain people at football matches. But when i started to do this people started seeing me as a more blokey bloke and acting a certain way towards me. I started to hate this image i had become, it just didn't feel right in myself. i started to question my gender again, when i started University at 18, i still had these feelings but didn't do anything about them. Then when i was in second year of uni, i had kept everything pent up for so long that it just exploded, i just didn't feel right, i hated the masculine traits that i have, wishing i could just get rid of them. For the last year i have been so unhappy with who i am, i just haven't been able to concentrate on anything else. I wake up every day thinking about being a woman and not a man. The thing is i'm so afraid of what other people would think of me, i hate what my dad and family would think of me and my friends. I want to be able to go out and been seen as a woman, but i'm just afraid to do so. I think some of this may be hard to read, i've just been quite out of touch while writing it. The thing is a lot of these feelings have progressed so much over the past year, so every minute of the day more or less i am having these thoughts. At first when i was younger i would do anything to hide my emotions and feelings, just to feel "normal" like everyone else, i just started thinking, "oh they're just feelings they'll pass. But these feelings have just maximised loads over time that i just don't know anymore. I really don't know if i may be transgender in some way or not. Sorry for the bad write up of things. I would be happy to fill in any blanks. I just want to know, has anyone else had similar feelings? Thanks
Sweetie I know exactly how you feel. What you've described is what a lot of people feel every day and it does get progressively worse as time goes on. And as for the dressing in your sister's clothes a lot of transgender people do that if they have a sister who's clothes will fit, so don't worry it isn't weird. Also, don't be afraid to let out your feelings. Keeping things pent up can be extremely stressful and cause medical and mental issues. If you need to talk about anything at all or need someone to relate to you can just leave me a wall message. Hope I can help somehow... (*hug*)
Hey PurpleRain. Thanks for replying to my post and thanks for the kind words. I've just been feeling so confused and lost, it's good to find a place where i can relate to people. I would've put this on your wall, but as i'm new and only have one post it won't let me lol. Thanks
Hey there. I can relate to your story too. As a kid I didn't really have many friends, but in high school I learned how to fit in with people and made alot of them. But I still didn't feel 'present' when I was acting out whatever persona I had that month. I've always gotten frustrated and switched to new friends, new hobbies, etc. to try and make it better. I thought things were better in college but then it turned out I was actually so depressed that I dropped out for a while after the first year. :lol: Then I realized I was responding really badly to people assuming I was a 'straight guy' and trying to talk to me as a 'bro' and my queerness just kind of exploded from there. :smilewave And now I'm running late so I have to go! I guess my point is that it takes time for alot of us to figure out who we are and you're not alone. (*hug*)
Hey Theodora Thanks for the response. Yeah growing up i always felt like i had to fill a role when i was around my friends, just to fit in. One thing that I've been scared about myself is that i'm actually going to be going back to university in September, but i'm afraid that if i go back feeling like i am now it'll all just overwhelm me, so wouldn't work out. (*hug*)
I tried to hide the emotions as well, although for no where nearly as long. I ended up getting into fights with everyone because of this constant repression, I actually thought that by hiding my feelings from others I was protecting myself, but I suppose I was actually just ensuring my own decay. I still don't express emotion well, or even much at all. So, yeah, I relate to your story too. Although, the only difference was I never even bothered trying to pretend to be macho. Despite not bothering to be macho, I still felt I was in some ill fitting suit which someone else threw at me. It wasn't me! So, just wanted to say, yeah, I know what you feel like, I was also around 9 when I started to realize I wanted to be girl.
