Hello to whoever reads this, I have been thinking about my orientation for a couple of years now but it's just like a ping pong thought that I keep thinking about all the time and i keep putting my self through tests during the day to determine what i feel, like for example looking at a women and trying to analyze if i'm attracted to her or not.... The full story, or the background for my confusion: I am a 24 year old man. Until about two-three years ago i was sure i wasn't gay, but during these two years i realized i've been looking at men more often and i enjoy "checking men out". Here are my general thoughts, it's easier for me to right them in bullets: - I watch gay porn a lot and i really enjoy it too. - My friends in the street look at women much more often and point them out easily compared to me, I have really specific things that attract me in women. - I have had relationships with women but i never had sex with a women. I have had oral sex with a man once. I have kissed women a lot but never felt truly aroused until i started touching her...but it never really got farther than that because she didn't want it to. - I admire the body of men, and i think women have nice bodies too, but i feel i have a more primitive, natural attraction to men's bodies. With men i feel i have less specific traits i look for, and i much more quickly asses what i like about them. - I can say i am romantically attracted to women but less sexually - I can't imagine living with a man for the long term, and if i do choose to have a gay partner it's hard for me to imagine getting old with him like with a women, and having children, which is one very important thing to me and really troubles my thoughts about being gay (I know gay couples can adopt but still). Living, getting old with and having children with a women makes more sense to me. The whole idea of having a gay partner and because of that, being outside that natural "circle of life" of raising a child and having someone to take care of you when you're old really scares me. The thing is i don't know anymore if all these thoughts are because of outside influences or just me naturally. As i said up until a couple of years ago i felt i needed to be with a women and that sexual desire would come, and i don't have it as much maybe because i don't have a lot of experience with women? Maybe i watch too much porn? (and that obviously distorts reality i know)but something about it still turns me on... The bottom line is, i'm really confused, i have all sorts of thoughts running in my mind, i want to and i am experimenting with men too, but i still don't know what i truly want. On the one hand i know it seem like there are obvious clues to being gay but on the other hand before not such a long time ago i was quite sure i wasn't gay and i was into women.... And to top it all, in psychology class we learned that we only fully establish our personality and we can have identity confusion up until the age of 35 (confusion in all aspects of life). That thought also keeps me going a lot. Hope to get some responses from people who experienced the same things or just people who know. Thanks
Hi joear87 I had I nice big response typed up then my phone had to go all stupid on me. So this might be shorter because I hate typing on my phone. I know exactly what your going through. I always had crushes on girls growing up dated a few even. But I was always subtly drawn to checking out guys as well probably way more than women to be honest. I figured it was just curiosity and a little envy. When I first viewed porn it was heterosexual and it did the job however lesbian porn did nothing for me never understood why all my guy friends liked it. I didn't view gay porn until I was twenty. I still remember the first time I looked at gay porn the feelings were so much more powerful and intense than anything I ever experienced with straight porn. However I felt really guilty so for years I would switch back and forth usually after realizing I'd only been viewing gay porn I would force myself to watch straight porn, but there always had to be a man in it to work for me. During this time I was never emotionally drawn towards men or romantically so I figured I just had a weird quirck and liked gay porn. Because truly I never put to much thought into it. So as I got further into my twenties and still was single and never had girls hold my interest for more than a few dates especially when they wanted to take it further physically I always ditched. Because I'm not attracted to women. I know when a women is beautiful or fit because I have eyes. But I never appreciated them like I would a guy who was fit or handsome. So I started to realize I was not exactly straight. And when I got really honest with myself was able to admit that boobs and vaginas do nothing for me and quite frankly are a little terrifying especially vaginas. But even after admitting all that I could never see myself with a guy I want a family and a deep and sensitive and intense bond with my partner. I questioned whether a guy could offer that I also was influenced greatly by how society and even extended family memebers viewed homosexuality. And it took quite awhile to become comfortable enough to even entertain the thought of a relationship with a man. What helps was imagining myself in a straight relationship. I could do it but always felt really depressed to think I couldn't have the sex that I really want to have and kiss who I really want to kiss and have my partner have a body that turns me on. So slowly when thinking of my alternative ie a straight relationship, my thought process and comfort level started to evolve. If you think truly about the fundementals of any relationship and take gender out of the equation there's no measurable difference between a straight and gay relationship. I always thought guys couldn't be tender and caring and sweet, but that's ridiculous because I have that ability so why wouldn't some other man out there be able to. It takes time and a shizz ton of thought and energy to help yourself come to terms and isolate what you truly want from what society and social influences tell you what you should have. And there is a lot of doubt and discomfort but I think when you allow time to unfold and yourself to think about it quite intensively things will become clearer. I hope this helps I feel like I've rambled
I think you have an internalized homophobia (like I had) which is why it seems (from a logical standpoint) you should marry a woman and have kids. But that's no reason to not be with whom you desire. I plan (assuming I'll have the resources) to have surrogate children and raise em with my partner as a normal (albeit unconventional) family. And when I think about that future, I feel so joyful. I think that you're gay but crave a traditional family (which makes sense if you come from a religious background). And that's great, nothing can stop you if that's your dream.
Did you enjoy the oral sex with the man? Leaving aside the porn, do you fantasize about men when you masturbate? If so, then I tend to agree with Stray that you seem to be gay, but not very comfortable with it. As for figuring stuff out when you're 35—sheesh, forget it. Nobody ever figures anything out. We just all stumble through life.
I say to just be you and stop trying to internalize your own self label and rather go with the moment and exist and find where your heart is pointing you. I have been in the same frustration and I have learned to just truly accept me and my life and knowing I don't have to label or prove myself to others rather lead myself to the happiness I seek and deserve. I used to think I couldn't be in a relationship with a man before but then I met someone who just truly opened my eyes and I really could see myself with for a very long time. I mean I still have thoughts of me being with a woman and seeing a long term relationship but the feelings of creativity and sexual desire were seriously lacking its like I have a copy of leave it to beaver embedded within me so I know how I would treat a woman and do all of that but there is something else inside me that says just screw it and take it moment to moment and if I fall hard for either/ or I will leave y heart open to receive love so I may give it to my fullest. We create our own meanings and our own roads, I hope you don't have to much internal stress within you as you seek where and how you wish to live your life! Never give up on the happiness you deserve and always remember that what we can do is all we can do right now!
