Hi - this is a very long post, for which I apologize for its length and grammar. I've lurked around on this forum for awhile now becuase I have questioned my sexuality over the past few months And what I find here only confuses me more, I havent read any stories like mine. I'm a good looking guy, 21, I guess I'm a bit feminine? I have an artist personality, and can be a big joker at times. but its an on off switch, If i'm not in the mood to be happy, jolly and funny (shit, I'm fucking hilarious, I get told to be a comedian or actor at least once a day) then I'm quiet and reserved with nothing much to say. As much as a man hate to admit it, I'm sensitive - really fucking sensitive. And for lack of a better term a massive pussy. I feel socially awkward at partys or social gatherings. Unless I'm with a bunch of other artists - they usually can follow me on the jokes and add to them. I'm terrible at chating up girls, sometimes I'm too nervous and have nothing to say, or sometimes I'm too energetic and get carried away with my creative "trips" or I'm just plain fucking weird Other guys see this and take large collective social shits on me. - part of the reason I'm here Now that doesn't go to say I strike out every time. I just get nervous and scared I'll be rejected, I've been rejected alot all through school, bullyed, and left on the "outside" I have alot in common and tend to fall in love with those same types of girls. Because I think they can understand how I feel. I lust after the girls I'm with, day dreaming about being romantic and sexual with them. Being with them I feel hugely creative and my feelings get very intense very fast, sometimes too intense ending in an explosion that usually spirals me into depression I have never had a gay thought in my life. Would it matter to me? Eh, don't give much of a shit about that, I'm not religious and my family is very accepting of the myriad of homosexuals we have in the family. Here's what confuses me, my family tries to drop hints every so often that maybe im gay and I dont know it yet. I mean, they have been through it before, and i do have stereotypical "daddy issues". I have alot of mannerisms, I move around alot, dont have the deepest voice, not extremely admiate about "male" things. Sports, fishing, guns - I like and will enjoy, but I dont go out of my wa for it. I'm very into art and music. I've also always been a one woman kind of guy. Maybe I should go back a bit. I never ever questioned my sexuality. I just thought that I'm a nice guy and the douchebags get all the girls but my time would eventually come around until a few months ago a so called "friend" of mine coaxed me into taking LSD with him, his friend, and a VERY attractive girl. as the trip started they began to put ALOT of pressure on me to have sex with the girl, which I didn't mean to be reminded of, but the insisted if I didn't make a move I'd be a pussy forever. I had no balls. I was gay. So I moved, but everything I said came out stupid, or just didnt sound like me, I didn't like the feeling the acid gave me. Then on top of that I realized the "friend" had stolen $3000 dollars from me (long story) and he wasnt a friend at all. For some reason I think he knew I knew as soon as the thought hit. him and his friend then began berading me, finding creative ways to insult my sexuality and get inside my head - for 14 hours. and I just sat down saying nothing. The girl eventually joined in and it only made me feel way WAY worse. Afterwards I was angry for months, which slowly dissapated through therapy. yet even though my anger at my "friend" went away the anger of people thinking I'm gay persisted. I get angry when people make insult my "game" with women. I've felt like something is wrong with me. Do I not get women because I am gay so I wont attract them? Maybe I'm too feminine so it doesn't work out? Although I have nothing against gay men, being around them makes me a bit uncomfortable because on more than a few occasions they hit on me, and I feel really awkward telling them to fuck off or something so I try to be nice and just converse until I can leave the conversation. All of this has made me feel even more socially awkward, especially in terms of body language. I've now become to question every move I make when I'm around guys because if I mirror someones movement does that mean I'm attracted to them? or them to me? Yet still I have not fantasized about being with a man, I don't feel aroused around men. I tried masterbating to gay porn but I just got grossed out. Am I attracted to men but not sexually? I do care affectionately for my best friends, does that mean that I'm gay for them? I've come to the conclusion that its either one of 2 feelings. I am indeed gay and just don't know it. Or the constant belittling of my manhood (by family, friends, outsides and even I) has my self esteem so low that I don't know what to believe in anymore. What do you all think? Honestly for anyone who read that whole thing. Youre a saint and a great person for sitting through that long enough and still wanting to help this sad sack of :***:
Personally, I don't think you are gay. Gay is the sexual attraction to the same-sex as you, and not how well you can pick up girls or if you like guns. Unfortunately, people seem to get the misconception of "He doesn't act manly enough, he has never had a girlfriend, he must be gay" which is completely un-true. Also, the fact that you tried to masturbate to gay porn and got disgusted is a pretty big indication. However, which porn you masturbate to is kinda irrelevant. I masturbate to straight porn (unless it is an image rather than a gif or a video) I just find that it works so much better for me. Doesn't mean I actually want straight sex though. However, if you think that you can be romantically attracted to guys, then it could be possible that you are homoromantic heterosexual meaning you get romantically attracted to guys but not sexually.
Thank you so much for your reply! How is it that I can be romantically attracted? I admitatly love my friends, I "give" them more than they me, sometimes that leaves me angry that they wouldnt come through for me. But Ive found friends who I trust in that sense so that hasnt been a problem since high school. I think through all the ridicule Ive begun to assume that there is a single "gay" personality type and I'm convinced thats me. I like to be the center of attention, people have made me feel like that makes me gay. Ive even had girls hint to me that im gay by how O talk to them, because I dont speak to them like normal guys. But what does this all mean? I Im romantically attracted to guys then thats cool, I just want the anger from people judging me to subside.
Doing what you former so-called friend did to you is beyond reprehensible. Sex and LSD do not mix. Had you ever taken acid before? I took a lot of it one upon a time, and I don't think I could have possibly gotten an erection while tripping. And, yes, everything you say on acid sounds stupid and awkward. Are you still in therapy? What you say about your feelings being "too intense" and leading to depression is definitely something to talk over with a therapist. You sound in many ways like a younger version of me, but I was always semi-consciously fighting my homosexual attractions. It sounds like you haven't had that same experience, so I can't say I think you're gay or even bi. And it sounds like homosexuality doesn't terrify you the way it did me when I was young, so it doesn't seem to be a matter or resistance or denial. But as you work out other issues in therapy, you'll probably be able to see the picture more clearly.
Only you know for sure, but I'm gonna agree with other posters and say that I don't get the feeling you're gay either. It just seems like the guys you've been around have the worldview that if you're male and don't behave like a player and act like you have game with girls then you're automatically gay. Which is a stupidly black and white way to look at things; there are tons of guys who are very straight who don't act like that. We can't tell you definitively but I don't get the impression that you are
I think you're mixing up sexual orientation and gender presentation. I didn't read a single thing there that points toward you even being bi, never mind gay. What I am getting is that you aren't particularly masculine, and you're feeling really insecure. (*hug*) Do you know who Ira Glass is? He does a show on NPR called this American Life. He's a smart, slightly awkward, nonmasculine straight guy and almost every smart outsiderish straight or bi woman I know has a massive crush on him. The people who are bullying you are immature douche bags, and the kind of girl you say you like? They adore guys like you.
The reason you arn't a pussy getter is not your lack of manlyness or "game", but your lack of confidence! Ever heard of a fag-hag? Straight women love gay men from what I have seen. Women throw themselves at me all the time and I am NOT Bi or a Lesbian! You probably won't understand this, but I am not a gay man either, I am a trans-woman. I am a girlie girl in a man's body. As a woman with only straight female friends I know what I and they like in men. Lots of women like a metro type guy, or a "sensetive" type guy. That is not my type, but lots do find it sexy. Women ARE attracted to confidence! Your low self esteem will shoot you in the foot straight away and that is all there is to it. So keep your manners and sensitive nature and be the best man you can be, sure of yourself, approachable, helpfull, caring, with good moral values, and you will get a girlfriend. From what you say, I can understand why people think you are a closeted gay. Getting upset about it makes you look guilty. Act like you are confident in your manhood and don't let it bother you or act out when you are called gay. Let it roll off your back because you know the truth and don't care what anyone thinks and those type actions will show the truth to the women watching. Mike my husband is a straight man and he has no problem wearing a pink shirt in public and likes me to wear the identicle matching outfit to his. In fact he mostly wears loud colors he calles "candy colors" and always has. He has been with scads of women. I would be suprised if the number is below 100. Women throw themselves at him all the time driving me crazy. Now he is a extremely masculine man, and knows what he is and could care less what anyone thinks of him. (confidence) It works! June
Agree with the other folks here. I don't get any sense from your story that you're gay. I do get a fairly strong sense that you could stand to work on your self-confidence and maybe a bit on your self-esteem. I get a VERY strong sense that you need to work on finding yourself a better class of person to call 'friend'. Because the ones you have now seem to mostly be treating you very badly and you deserve (and can do) much better. My 2c worth, Todd
You're not gay and you need new friends etc..that is so horrible how you have been treated. Your self esteem and confidence may be low but their behavior is not helping it and is making you question your own identity. Stop listening to their crap and worrying about their opinions and focus on loving yourself and trying to be more comfortable just being you and if a girl likes you, she likes you and if she doesn't, that's ok too. You sound great to me!
I'm going to be a little contrary here to what other posters have said. First, let's look at what you're specifically saying about attractions. It sounds like you have a strong connection to women and feel attraction to them. The question is, do you like hanging out and spending time with them, or do you like the idea of being sexually intimate with them? Lots of gay men like the former, and there are quite a few gay men who find that most of their friends are girls. But there are almost no gay men who are the latter. Second, if there are a number of other gay people in your family, and you have a combination of attributes typically seen as gay, that certainly isn't definitive, but it at least bears consideration; there are a lot of gay men who pursue "masculine" activities like hunting and fishing and fixing cars, but probably not nearly as many straight men who pursue typically "gay" interests. Stereotypes are certainly not definitive, but they're there for a reason, and are at least worthy of mixing into the equation. Another interesting piece is the idea that masturbating to gay porn gives you a sense of disgust. So I'd ask, when is it disgusting? Do you find yourself aroused by the gay sex portrayed while you're masturbating, but only feel the disgust after you've ejaculated? Or do you feel constant disgust throughout? Very, very different things... if you only feel disgust after ejaculating, but get aroused while you're masturbating, that's a shame response most likely generated by an unconscious fear that you're gay. Most straight men would be completely unable to get aroused watching gay porn at all, so if you find yourself aroused, but disgusted... it is possible that's a combination of your raw sexual urges conflicting with an unconscious fear of being gay. You mention not having fantasized about being with a man; do you have fantasies about being with women, sexually? Have you not fantasized about men because you have no attraction to them, or because you're afraid to try? Again, a subtle but important difference. So I'd suggest you do some more self-exploration. Take a couple days and pretend you're gay and have accepted it. Look at guys and see what parts of them (if any) arouse you... keeping in mind you may still have to fight some "this is wrong" urges; what you're looking for is your arousal response, not your conscious response. Masturbate without porn and imagine being with a guy. Watch some gay porn with the belief that you've accepted yourself and are OK with being gay. Then... take a couple days and do the exact same thing pretending you're straight. Look at girls and see how they do (or don't) arouse you. Masturbate without porn and fantasize about girls and being with a girl. Watch some lesbian porn (this takes the unconscious attraction to the guy in the straight porn out of the picture) and see if it's arousing. Usually, that experiment gives you a pretty clear answer. So if you're up to it, give that a try and let us know what comes of it.
To everyone. Im overwhelmed my the support. After reading this I feel much better at how I view myself. My only question regarding confidence, is how do I GAIN it. Its not like I havent tried, or maybe i havent tried hard enough. Like I said its though when I feel Ive sunk so low. Sometimes I think I even mistake innocent comments as insults. Thats pretty smart. I'll test out your point of view. For the most part now when ever i see a guy, if I imagine anything, its fighting him. Does that say something?
