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Sexual orientation OCD?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dirtyrascal, May 17, 2013.

  1. dirtyrascal

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    Hey everyone. I haven't ever posted on a forum like this before, but it's gotten to the point where I'm sick of researching, and I just want to hear feedback from other human beings. I'm going to try to keep this to the point, but I apologize if it gets complicated and drawn out.

    Ever since I was young I was always a more quiet, subdued, sensitive boy. I grew up with my mom and sister raising me. My dad was in the picture but he was an alcoholic and was never there emotionally and rarely there physically. I learned to treat women with the utmost respect at a very young age, and think of heterosexual men as something 'vile', thanks to my father. In some ways, I still think of heterosexual men that way. I remember an instance when my dad told me if I sat down when I peed that I would turn out gay. I was horrified. Things like this are key moments that I remember in my very early childhood.

    As a young boy I was into what other boys were into. I played with dinosaurs, action figures, and tons of video games, and I always had few close male friends.What I'm trying to say was that I consider my childhood pretty normal in that sense.

    It wasn't until I started to hit puberty that things started to change. I drifted from my friends. I submerged myself in my schooling, and my few close friends ended up being female. I was a late bloomer, and so I was always insecure with other guys. In fact, I was terrified of straight guys. At this time I had what I thought were crushes on girls. I would never act on them because of my insecurity, but at the time I thought they were genuine. It was around this time when I developed body dysmorphic disorder, or BDD. If you're not familiar with it, I'll include a definition.

    "Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also body dysmorphia, dysmorphic syndrome; originally dysmorphophobia) is a type of mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features.[1][2] The person thinks they have a defect in either one feature or several features of their body, which causes psychological distress that causes clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning. Often BDD co-occurs with depression and anxiety, social withdrawal or social isolation."

    I completely isolated myself in my late teens out of fear of being 'too ugly' for the world. I even got rhinoplasty at 18 to fix the 'defect' I had. I'd always look at other guys and want to look like them. I still do.

    By the time I was in my late teens, early 20's, the depression and anxiety took control completely. It was the darkest period of my life thus far, and with tons of time on my hands and speculation led to confusion. All my life I've felt more comfortable with women, which is likely due to my upbringing, and it's still true to this day. I began to question that.. 'am I gay?'. I liked Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, and other big female pop icons. I was always a fan of 'strong' independent women in the spotlight. This led to more speculation. I ended up creating this identity for myself.. I identified with 'gay'. Up until that point I isolated myself so much that I had no idea who I was with respect to the external world. Identifying with anything made me feel more 'accepted', even if it was something that was still controversial in this day and age.

    I owned the title of 'gay'. I had never been with a guy before at that point, it was purely based on my thoughts. I came out to everyone in my family. I didn't end up experimenting with guys until I was about 21. It was the strangest thing ever. I kept doing it though to reinforce this identity. I ended up dating the first and only guy I've ever been with at 22. I've never had that kind of attention before.. that desire and acceptance from another person like that. I had sexual relations with him, and while I didn't enjoy it all the time, some times I did. It fit this identity. At this point I still had 'crushes' on girls. I always have. Anyway, we were together for 7 months.. I've never dated anyone since. I've tried dating other guys but could never have sex with them. It wasn't even an option or interest. Any fooling around that I did with them would leave me with a feeling of disgust or guilt. That's where things get more confusing. Up until recently I would've thought, 'yeah i'm gay', regardless of how I've always questioned my sexuality, ever since I came out. It just seemed to 'fit' based on my actions. Now that I'm not 'acting' on my homosexuality, and don't have any desire to, I've really begun to question everything again, and if it was all genuine to begin with.

    (When it comes to porn, I prefer straight, but can basically get off to anything, including gay and lesbian.. that hasn't helped with the confusion.)

    I believe I have what I've just recently found out is called sexual orientation OCD. I think about it all the time, and I try to mold my identity around my sexual orientation. Ex. If i'm gay, I should like fashion, lady gaga, etc. I've always been told that it's silly to think that way, but it comes so natural to me. It's like I'm trying to fit some stereotype and I can't. Unless I told someone, they'd have no idea that I'm 'gay'. Because I didn't see myself like straight men, I automatically thought I must be gay. Simply put, I have a really hard time just 'being myself'. It's always an act in some form.

    I'm sure many people might think I'm in 'denial' about my homosexuality, but I honestly feel 100% open with the idea. I came out. I've been through it all. If I wasn't open to homosexuality I wouldn't have gone through it. I'm so cerebral about all of this and I should probably do more acting than thinking, but that's just the type of person I am. If I'm gay, then great, but I honestly don't know anymore. That's why I'm here. I'm confused, and I would love to hear what any of you think. I don't even think I've expressed what I'm trying to convey in the best way I can, but it's an idea of what I'm going through anyway. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Sexual orientation OCD doesn't exist. Unfortunately, this fraudulent diagnosis, perpetrated by the religious right, has done nothing but further confuse people who are trying to get a handle on where they are. OCD does exist, but is pretty rare (1 or 2% of the population), and there are a tiny handful of people who have OCD, but their obsessions are focused on sexual orientation. This is OCD, not sexual orientation or homosexual OCD, and a lot of people get confused between the two, and matters aren't helped by various people who conveniently latch onto this diagnosis to avoid what's really going on for them, as they just end up confusing themselves and others.

    If you had and OCD-related disorder, you'd have more obsessive thoughts and feelings, and nothing you've described indicates any form of obsessive disorder to me. It does sound like there's some confusion about where exactly your sexual orientation lies, but that's pretty normal for people who are trying to figure things out.

    And before somebody shows up and suggests that you're a "homoromantic heterosexual" or some other similar nonsense... please don't go down that road either, as it will simply lead to further confusion and won't help you figure out where things are for you.

    The real answer is difficult to determine definitively, and certainly outside the scope of anyone talking on an online community. If I were to guess, I'd lean in the direction that you are likely gay, but there are some underlying feelings of guilt or other psychological issues that are making it difficult, unconsciously, for you to feel comfortable with.

    But there are other possibilities as well. The fact that you are cerebral and analytical further clouds things, as when you approach this sort of thing intellectually rather than emotively, it's hard to get a real read, as sexuality and sexual orientation tends to be more in the realm of feelings than in logic and thoughts. And that may also make it challenging for you to get answers in therapy, unless you find a really skilled therapist who is able to get you out of your mind and into your body.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd seek out a therapist to talk to and work with. I'd look for someone who has a strong background in Gestalt therapy or one of the other mind-body modalities, as I think just doing cognitive behavioral or one of the other more talk-oriented therapies will likely continue to leave you questioning yourself too much. There aren't tons of those therapists around, but if you're in a bigger city, you should be able to find a few of them.

    One step you can take, that might help, is to masturbate without porn, and do so while trying to get out of the analytical mode and turn off thought as much as possible. So you enter into it and simply let your mind wander and see what sorts of images/fantasies/thoughts come up. Don't analyze, don't try to make any particular image, thought, experience come up, just see what images your mind brings up on its own accord. And don't analyze or judge or process them as they come up, just let them happen and see where it leads. Sometimes that can be helpful in leading you in the right direction.

    But I do think finding a good therapist and working with him or her for a few sessions will be really helpful.
     
  3. dirtyrascal

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    Thank you so much for the response and for clearing up 'SO-OCD'. I've had issues when it comes to masturbation without porn, but that is definitely a good suggestion. Thanks again. I appreciate it.