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Really, really unsure about my sexuality! Help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Questioning, May 19, 2013.

  1. Questioning

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    Hi, first post here. It's going to be a long one! A bit of a caveat, I won't spare any gory details and I also have a bit of a tendency to ramble.

    As far back as my early '20s I've been questioning my sexuality, and often find myself going round in circles trying to 'prove' that I'm gay or straight. I tend to interpret each and every sexual twinge as evidence of one or other orientation, and it's slowly driving me crazy.

    I lost my virginity to a girl when was 28. Our relationship was brief, totalling three months, with a three-month hiatus in the middle after I told her I was unsure of my orientation. Our initial attempts at sex were very uncomfortable (due to my inexperience I didn't get her sufficiently aroused first so it was painful for both of us) but afterwards managed it successfully. The sex was good, not mind-blowing but the longer we were together the easier it was for me to get into the swing of things, although once I was completely unable to perform. I also struggled to stay aroused sometimes and there were also times I think my anxiety got in the way of enjoying the experience. She broke things off with me and since then I've sometimes found myself really pining for her, even though we weren't very suitable as couple material.

    Prior to this first relationship experience, I had very few conventional sexual fantasies. I had a really strong fetish for sequences in which an unassuming man is transformed against his will into a voluptuous (but always lightly clothed) woman. As truly bizarre and as shameful as this fantasy is, I found the actual transformation incredibly arousing. For years this was really my version of pornography, as conventional hetero porn didn't work for me.

    To add to the mix, I have an irrational, intense fear of other men, practically tantamount to androphobia! I'm not a victim of abuse at all. I was bullied a little in school and didn't have much peer interaction due to being home-schooled throughout my teens.

    I started to notice in my early '20s that being in the company of other young men would create a mixture of palm-sweating anxiety and intense, involuntary sexual arousal. I've never had any kind of romantic attachment to men, but being in the company of other guys would often cause me to panic horribly, and later on I would masturbate as a way of relieving the sexual tension. I've never had this feeling around women.

    Aside from a handful of unrequited romantic crushes in the past, I don't find myself enormously attracted to women in general. In porn, I tend to find penises more exciting than vaginas, although I've never been particularly turned on by exclusively gay porn. I sometimes watch soft-core female pornography ('cam-girl' sort of stuff) but don't get massively turned on. Lesbian doesn't hack it for me at all.

    I guess that's it. I don't really know what I am!
     
  2. StfuAahlee

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    You sound gay..or at least you're sexually attracted to men..idk about romantically etc.
    You definitely don't really sound straight but maybe you''re demisexual or whatever that word is..I'm new to all the break downs. Growing up it was gay, straight, bi..that's it
    Ha
     
  3. Questioning

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    Thanks for your reply StfuAahlee!

    Yeah, I'm not sure about the breakdowns myself - demisexual is definitely a new one but I can definitely identify with the possibility that my sexual feelings are at least somewhat related to emotional/romantic desire.

    I have experienced periods in the throes of early romance/crushes when I'm pretty sure I had a strong sexual arousal for a particular girl, although it was often very inconsistent in its intensity. The reason I say 'pretty sure' is that I don't feel strongly attracted to women otherwise, so it's sometimes hard for me to honestly recall the feelings in retrospect! I do find certain aspects of the female body appealing (boobs, hips etc.) but as I said the male member can sometimes cause an involuntary twinge as well.

    I'd like to just be gay (it'd be more straightforward) but I find completely gay porn a bit unpleasant, if I'm honest. Coupled with my fear of other men and a total lack of romantic desire it's made me question myself in that area too.
     
  4. NeonMan

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    Hi, have you tried doing it with another man?
    You sound Bi- to me(can't really go to those other complicated terms sorry) that is leaned more to liking men or so.

    I think experimenting would best answer your question. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Questioning

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    Thanks for the responses so far! I guess a bit of safe experimentation is the best way. I don't think I'm 100% gay, in that I am capable of finding women's bodies attractive, and I've definitely enjoyed the (limited) heterosexual experiences I've had, once the anxiety wasn't a factor. And like I said, I've had plenty of romantic drives towards certain women in the past. But the pull towards a male encounter does seem pretty strong at the moment!