I told my best friend a few months ago that I was attracted to a girl...but didn't tell her the attraction was to her. Today, I had a massive emotional breakdown because I felt like holding my feelings for her captive inside me was eating me alive. I thought it was easier to say goodbye to her, than to tell her how I felt. I told her that I had a crush on a girl at work, and she asked me who. I explained that it wasn't necessarily a sexual attraction, but more a romantic one. I said she has the best personality of anyone I've ever met, and she's kind, and beautiful too. Then she said J:"Aw I'm kinda jealous! I wish someone would describe me that way! How do you know for sure it will never happen?" ME: I told her when I was ready to say who the girl was, she would be the first to know, that I was just scared. Then she asked again if I was sure nothing could ever happen, and if the person has a love that makes them unattainable, and before I could answer, she sent this: J: "Well, I know it`s not the same and means nothing coming from me, but if I was single, I'd love being your ur gf!" So that was when I revealed it..."So you wouldn't be freaked out and our friendship wouldn't change if I said it was you? Cuz that is what I am afraid of. I know it can never happen, but I'm scared that I'll lose my best friend." Her response: Never. Why would I when ur my best friend." ME: I then told her that I'm not a homewrecker, and I'm not going to hit on her or anything..."I just find that you have such an amazing personality, and I can be comfortable and open with you. I can be who I am...and I think you're beautiful too...that's just a bonus. Stop me if I'm weirding you out". And this is what she said: Never hun, u dont freak me out at all. your just being honest and thank u so much hun that's sweet of u. And if I didn't have a boyfriend uou would def be my first pick on dating again. I'm sorry I'm already with someone so don't take that as a rejection or anything but I do love him (*Which I totally know and understand and said so later*) But I do think u r awesome! And u are beautiful too. if I ever become single if it didn't work out, I would love to be with u. But I hope we can still be best friend u are awesome and amazing too. Plz dont stop being my best friend. I would miss u too much. U r the bestest friend I have ever had. We can still be secret gfs at work ;-)" So what do I take of this? She knows the truth now, and she also went on to say that if she was single, she wouldn't be afraid to try something. She's not freaked out, she's not running away...but is she just saying that she would be with me to try and make me feel happy? I was pretty emotionally down before the Big Reveal. Or does she actually feel that way?
Sweetie, she's in a relationship. You have to move on past her, she's is a BRILLIANT friend for reacting in the way she did, but that's all you are to her. The important thing is, of course, that you have a great friend who will always accept you... but you need to either respect that you're just friends, or if you can't do that, move on. I am sorry if this is harsh, but your friend is already involved.
Curiously, I agree that your friend is awesome. Not all friends would be so emotionally generous. I also agree that she is in a relationship, and that's that. If she ever becomes free, then that's a different situation, but you don't want to taint what may, in the future, be a great romantic/sexual relationship by entangling yourself in a messy affair/breakup. As much as you want it now, it's simply not worth it. I speak from experience here. Also, it seems your friend has some questions of her own and might be wondering about her own sexuality. I love that she was so welcoming, but a common reaction from a supportive straight friend is something along the lines of, "That's so wonderful of you to say, and I appreciate your honesty in coming out to me, but I simply don't feel the same way. I love you as a friend, but I'm attracted to men. I'll always be your friend, though, and support you in any way I can." Instead, she definitely demonstrated interest. While I don't believe in spending fruitless time trying to second-guess people's motives for saying things, it's hard to believe she would have put herself out there that why just to make you feel better. That's an awful big risk. Regardless, though, you've done the right thing: you were honest about your orientation and your feelings for your friend. That's all you can do right now. If she chooses to stay with her boyfriend, or move from him to another man, then so be it. If she chooses to break up with him and explore a relationship with you, then fabulous. But it's out of your hands now. Best of luck to you, whatever happens. --Zoe
Thank you, Zoe, for an honest response. I'm happier now, and feeling much better, that it's out there and she knows. It's a huge relief, and an even bigger one that she's not running away. I know that she loves him. And that's why I'm not going to interfere or try and break it up. I love that she is still my best friend, and we can talk to each other about anything at all, even this. The best part about it is knowing there may be some mutual interest, and that if her current relationship does end, and she wants to pursue one with me, that she doesn't have to be shy or afraid, because she already KNOWS I'm attracted to her. But I'm not going to step in and break up her current relationship for the sake of what I want, even if I think she deserves better than what she's getting now. Instead, I'll be there, as her best friend, to catch her, should she ever fall.
I am happy for you that you told your friend how you feel and that she gave you such a positive response. That's great.
Curiously, You sound great in your most recent post--strong and confident. I'm so glad that your reaction to all of this has been so positive and that you feel better just being open and hoest with someone you care about. And you make a great point--if she ever does want to move forward with you, then she knows the door is open. You are lucky to have such a good friend--but then, it sounds like you're an awful good friend to her, too. --Zoe
