My Issues Regarding My Sexuality.

My first official post, (outside of the welcome) and it's one I've typed out in advance. It's a long one. My apologizes for that, but I had to get it all out and in the open because I have a ton of things to work out. So hopefully you can read this, and offer input, and not get bored. Any and all names have been changed for privacy's sake:

I don’t even know where to begin, to be honest. So I’ll start at the beginning, because that’s always best, right?

I’m 22. And if you asked me in person I’d tell you I’m straight. Undoubtedly, indisputably. Without question or hesitation. But the truth is… I really don’t know. In high school, that actually wouldn’t have been a lie. I fell in love with a beautiful girl, a very close friend I’d been crushing on for over a year. And I stayed in love with her for a while. I had grown up being teased a lot by my older brother for being “gay” just because I didn’t like and watch sports, and I would mostly hang out with girls. I wouldn’t consider myself overly “girly”, but I lack the traditionally masculine behavior set forth by my older brother and father. However, I’m not overly effeminate anyway; certainly more emotional and sensitive than the average guy, but I still consider myself a guy. I don’t ogle every attractive girl like a slab of meat the way my brother does, and I think that’s because I’ve formed such good friendships with girls. I know they hate being objectified, so I try to take every precaution I can to avoid it. But I still very much like women, and find them physically attractive. I have impulses, certainly, but I try to refrain from acting on them for the sake of trying to be a gentleman.

Anyway, this girl, I dated, we’ll call her Haylie for privacy’s sake, I was head over heels in love with her for a while. And she knew, but she was dating one of my best friends at the time. And naturally I tried to be supportive and happy for them, but half of me was naturally torn apart by jealousy. Fast forward a year and a half, and after various high school dramas, I’m dating her. But by the time we got together, I couldn’t handle the idea of a relationship. Suddenly what I wanted for so long wasn’t what I wanted at all, and it was a particularly messy breakup. For about a year or so afterward I ping-ponged back and forth over the possibility of wanting another chance with Hales, but was far too afraid to go through with it. I have issues with talking to a girl (or anyone, really) when I’m attracted to them. I’ll be fine with any other form of conversation or communication, but once I try to screw up the courage to tell a girl how I feel, I fall totally silent. I didn’t want to be with Haylie for a number of reasons, the most important being she was moving far too fast for me, in terms of physicality. Be it shyness or what have you, but I have issues with being any sort of intimate with people. I don’t think it’s asexuality, because I’ll WANT to do these things… I’m just really nervous about doing so. Anyway, the first time we kissed I was absolutely terrified of it going badly, and I had only done it because another friend, (we’ll call her Olivia) told me to make the move because Haylie was waiting for it. And I did. And I enjoyed it, after the initial roller coaster of terror ended in my stomach. And for a bit we were happy. But Haylie was still far too physical at the time for my liking, because she had just gotten out of a relationship with the previously mentioned best friend (we’ll call him Franky) before dating me, and I felt like a rebound. I found out later I wasn’t, of course, but at the time I felt used. And like I said, for a while, I had only had an attraction to girls. Before falling in love with Haylie, I had occasionally speculated over whether or not I was gay, because I wasn’t like my brother or any of the other straight guys I knew. But I didn’t feel gay. I felt like a straight guy, albeit not a traditional straight guy.

Then about a year ago I started talking to a guy. And here’s where things get really fucking confusing.

We’ll call him Rick. We had met at an audition that I went to with a bunch of my friends, and he wound up dating Franky after they met at the audition (who had come out of the closet shortly after breaking up with Haylie. He had given me his blessing to date her.) And I kept a nice acquaintanceship with Rick. I mean, I was never that close to him. Anyway, he had broken up with Franky (which we had all taken pretty hard, probably harder than Franky took it, because Rick was a nice guy) and a few months later I messaged him to ask him something. I couldn’t recall what it was exactly, but we started talking, via text messaging. We talked for a while, for a few weeks, and that was when I began to develop a crush. I hadn’t even noticed it at first, but the more we talked, the more I didn’t want the conversations to end. We made plans to hang out (as friends), and the more time I spent in his presence, the more I didn’t want him to leave. By the time I registered it, and allowed myself to feel these feelings, I was naturally terrified. If it’s not already obvious, I have all sorts of confidence issues, and I didn’t want to consider myself as anything other than straight. One night, Rick and I went out for drinks after going to a movie, as friends. So after a few drinks, I reluctantly, but willingly, admit my crush to him, something I would have been only able to admit under intoxication. And he took it well. He said he wasn’t attracted to me romantically, but he wanted to be there for me, as a friend, in whatever capacity I needed him for. And I told him I was confused and terrified, and he offered to help me sort things out. We made plans for a date. Just one, to see what it’d be like for me to go out with a guy. Test the waters, so to speak. An experiment. So we set a date.

I had never gone on a date before. Not even with Haylie (we hadn’t dated for long, and it just didn’t happen) but I took him to a place he had mentioned wanting to go to before. And I felt the date went really well, and I had greatly enjoyed myself. Yeah, I was on a date, and that made me more than a little uncomfortable (because it was a date, and a gay one at that, which probably made it worse) but he said he enjoyed himself, and so did I. So I asked him to do this date thing again. So we did. We had begun meeting in secret, because I was afraid to tell anyone about it. My family’s extremely conservative and old fashioned, and I’m sure I struck a few nerves with them already due to my lack of interest in sports and my interest in theater. I couldn’t tell them, for fear of being ostracized or worse, being thrown out of the house. (I’m not sure whether they would actually kick me out or not) But we kept up our little secret, and all was well. After a few dates, he took me by surprise and kissed me, because I was afraid to make the first move. (But I had wanted to try it) The first time we kissed was… I still can’t put it into words. It was like my brain exploded (in a good way) and it was hard to focus on anything because my brain was spinning so fast, but it was amazing and it was a rush and for the first time in a while I couldn’t have been happier. I had kissed Haylie before, and while it was enjoyable, this blew it out of the water, by a mile. This relationship with Rick continued, but we never got to do anything more substantial than kissing. Our schedules never really matched up, because he was always busy with work and I had school, but we’d meet at least twice a month and text every day, and I’d go to see him at every opportunity I could. As a few months passed, I suddenly found myself not caring about what my family would think. Or anyone, for that matter. I still wasn’t out yet, but I remember thinking while walking down the street with Rick that if my homophobic brother saw us, I wouldn’t have given a damn. I felt stronger and more confident than I’d ever felt before, and I wanted this feeling to last forever. In my boldness, I told my little sister, (who had initially teased me about me and Rick, having noticed our frequent plans together, but didn’t actually think we were dating) and once she saw it was real the teasing stopped and she was nothing but supportive and kind about it. I’ll never forget her words. “Why would I care who you date? You’re still you. You’re my brother, and you dating a guy doesn’t change that.” It was the first and only member of my family I told, and because we’re so close, I knew she’d keep the secret. She was happy I was happy, and life was great.

As much as I’d love to end the story here, I can’t. It goes downhill. And it all started with a game of drunken Mario Kart:

I was drinking with Olivia and… Greg. We’ll call him Greg, and we were playing Mario Kart at my house. By that time I had told Olivia about Rick, and she took it well, and I only told her because I needed to talk to SOMEONE about it. Even if Olivia couldn’t understand what it was like dating a member of the same sex. So I told her, and though surprised, she was supportive and would talk to me about Rick and the relationship. Anyway, we’re all drinking together and playing, and relationships come up, and I reluctantly and inadvertently reveal my relationship with Rick to Greg. Greg, who’s gay, isn’t surprised that I’m dating a guy; in his words, I was an “Honorary girl” due to my strong emotions and neurotic tendency to let everything get to me. So when Olivia falls asleep, he challenges me to a race, with the condition that if he wins, he gets to kiss me. I accept, because I’m a very skilled player, and have no doubt in my mind, I’m going to win.

And naturally, for the first time, I lose, probably due to drunkenness and general bad luck. Greg’s willing to forget our bet, but fair is fair. So I kiss him. And I guess because I’m drunk, but it feels great. (I had never kissed anyone under intoxication before) and we keep kissing. For a long while. Fortunately everyone in my house is dead asleep, and no one learned of what happened that night. (except my little sister, who’s kept quiet) We didn’t go farther than making out (Though Greg wanted to) and a bit of petting (with clothes on) because I don’t want to go farther, not comfortable with the idea. So we keep it PG, and just make out for a while before we go to sleep. But the next morning, I feel horrible. I didn’t technically cheat on Rick: It was an “experiment” and we weren’t officially together, because that would mean coming out, but I still felt horrible and confessed up to Rick the next morning. And it turns out he had made out with a guy too. Sure, I was a little bothered by that fact, but I didn’t hold it against Rick. I was no better than him, so I let it go, and forgot about it. Greg felt guilty “seducing” me, but I told him it was fine (I had reciprocated, after all) but I made it clear it wasn’t happening again. I felt way too guilty about Rick to ever let it happen again.

And it doesn’t. And me and Rick keep dating, and I’m happier with him than I’d ever been with anyone. I told another friend about him; a girl I trust named Becca. And life is great. By this point, I’ve fallen hard, head over heels in love with him, and I figured he returned the sentiment. He had admitted to liking me a lot more than he originally intended to. After he and my little sister surprised me for my birthday with a date that included tickets to my favorite show, (my little sister’s machinations) I wanted to make it official. It had been only 6 months, but I’d never felt more connected to Rick than I have been to anyone than ever before. I was prepared to come out to everyone and shout it from the rooftops that I was in love and it was with a guy. But before I could tell him so, a week after my birthday, he ended it, via text message. He said he had only begun the relationship for my sake, and “he had only done this for me” and that he had met someone else, and he was going to be with him. And suddenly, instead of screaming from the rooftops, I wanted to jump from them. I had never felt so lied to, and manipulated, and betrayed. I had built up an entire relationship in my head, a happy romance that was now shattered. I always knew I put more stock into whatever we were. I made every effort to talk to him, and planned all the dates and made every effort to go see him. But I always thought he had returned the favor. We had enjoyed making out, and he had put some moves on me. That meant at some point he had to have wanted me, right? I didn’t expect him to find someone else. And I had never been more crushed.

I fell into a depression after that. A visible one that was impossible to hide. I lied and told Rick I was fine, not wanting to let him see how badly I was hurting, and I told Rick I needed space, to breathe, which he respected. He wanted to be friends. I wanted to remain friends as well, but I was too pissed and hurt bother talking to him at the moment. So I burned the most significant bridge in my life, all under a false pretense that I was just fine and just needed space. About a week and a half later, he texted me to start a conversation (a first!) and asked if I was alright, telling me he missed his “best friend” (meaning me). I wanted to yell at him, and scream at him, and go visit him in person so I could have clocked him in the face. But I had to act friendly. So I told him I was fine, and merely said I needed more time because I liked him more than I intended when it started and I just needed space to get over it. I didn’t bother telling him I was in love with him, that I had felt manipulated and betrayed and that I would have done anything to be with him. To this day I don’t think he has any sort of idea just how much he meant to me, because we were “friends”. So for months on end, I was miserable, and a wreck. But short of the four people I told of my relationship, I couldn’t talk to anyone. Haylie did her best to help (she had recently come out as bisexual about a month before wheedling my failed relationship out of me) but I was far too upset and depressed to handle it. My friends tried to convince me it wasn’t my fault, that I had been lead on and lied to, but I knew and still know the truth: I had asked for this. I had done this to myself, and I deserved it.

Greg offered to help in his usual, backhanded sort of way, but it didn’t help, and the only times I could stand being around him was when I was drunk. He’s a good guy, but he buries that goodness in a shroud of cynicism and insults towards you, and is only nice when you’re alone with him. If he’s with you in a group of people, expect lots of insults disguised as teasing if you aren’t as good as him. And every time we’d drink, we’d wind up making out and messing around, all initiated by him. Nothing more tame than making out, because I wouldn’t let things progress. And under normal circumstances I’d never consider doing something like that. I’m not the type of person who can just jump a girl (or guy), but I was far too depressed and drunk to care and Greg was just there and I was lonely and miserable and I guess it felt great to be wanted in any sort of capacity, even if it was with someone I had no real attraction to while sober. And this happened a few more times (at least four times in total) but I had to call it off, I had no attraction to Greg, and we both admitted to not being attracted to one another, romantically or physically. I had tried kissing him sober, just once, but it was right after Rick broke up with me and I felt nothing. And our little drunken makeout sessions didn’t mean anything; Greg only did what he did with me because it was “fun” and nothing more. (His words) But because of my neurotic tendency to overanalyze everything, I wondered if he was lying, and he did feel something for me. And what that would mean for our friendship. We had known one another for six years, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that over a drunken fling. Especially because I took the break up with Rick so hard. As much of a jerk as Greg can be, he is a good friend, and I wouldn’t want to lose him, especially because losing Rick hurt so badly. According to Olivia, Greg’s best friend, he really doesn’t feel anything for me. But there are little signs that say otherwise. And I’ll find that when we’re alone together, he’ll suddenly become more brazen. We’ll be watching a movie together, and he’ll insist on using me like a pillow, leaning against me. Or he’ll grab my hand and put it in his and just start playing with it, for no reason at all. I’ll feel inexplicably nervous, like I’m expecting something to happen. My heart rate will increase by ten fold and I’ll feel sick, like I’m going to throw up. Once someone else comes around, Greg is back to normal and the feeling passes. Haylie’s convinced I like him, but I don’t think it’s the case. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to be with him, simply because we clash far too much for it to be healthy (He can piss me off in .4 seconds. I’m a patient guy. Few people can get me mad. But he’ll do it all the damn time, and for fun.) Plus, he’s admitted to me (when talking about a coworker who’s in the closet) that he could never date someone who isn’t out and proud about who they are. Which, as you’ve read, isn’t me. So I’d never be able to pursue a relationship with him, and while I’m relieved we’re not messing around, part of me sort of wishes I was. Not out of any sort of attraction to Greg, but because I feel like doing so will break me out of my comfort zone, and I should take a risk and have fun. (I am young, after all) Plus, with my shyness, it’s not as if I’ll get many opportunities to do so again. But then I start to overthink things, and I want to mess around with someone who I love (which isn’t Greg) and I can’t afford to get attached to him or develop feelings the way I had with Rick, so that immediately dampers that idea.

Anyway, I’m sorry for all that background, but I had to get that all addressed, because it plays into what I’m going through now. The whole point of this little “experiment” with Rick hadn’t helped the way we both wanted it to, and now it’s worse than ever. I’m not sure where I’m at in terms of sexual orientation, and it bothers me. I think I’m still attracted to girls, but now I’m noticing guys too. Again, I won’t do anything about it, as I’m far too shy to even bother, and despite what my story indicates, I’m really not much of a drinker. This was all over a period of almost two years. So I’m not going anywhere sexually. Greg has offered to mess around with no strings attached, but I don’t think I can do it sober, and don’t really want to. I’m a bit of a romantic, and I want to put out the whole nine yards in a relationship before physical things happen. It’s why I always invariably regret when I drink with Greg, and why I stopped drinking with him. I had offered to drink with him under the premise nothing happens, but he’s outright admitted that he wants to screw around because he’s bored and if we drink he’s going to make advances. So I’ve decided not to drink, because I don’t want to mess around. I’ve got nothing against people who do mess around or have one night stands, but it’s something I’m not comfortable with, being far too socially awkward. On top of all that, since I ended things with Rick, I have issues trusting people. I never had them before, but now I do and with few exceptions (like Haylie, or Olivia, or my sister) I second guess every time somebody tells me something, because I had naively believed Rick when he told me he really liked me. My instincts are now telling me they’re lying to me, whether or not it’s actually true, and I have no idea how to differentiate when it’s a lie. I mean, I built up an entire relationship in my head. How can I trust anyone when I can’t even trust myself? I don’t blame Rick anymore. Yeah, I hated him for a while, but I’ve come to peace with the fact that he was trying to help me in whatever way he could. I haven’t seen Rick since my birthday. We’ve only texted intermittently (i.e. once or twice since the break up, with me hiding behind a false veneer of friendship) but I kept the conversations brief and didn’t bother carrying them on once they died. Though we’re “friends”, I won’t allow myself to get friendly with him for fear of redeveloping feelings for him. But I hope he’s happy. It took me a while to get over what happened, and though I’ll have a few off days where I’ll be bothered about being lied to (or not lied to, and building it up in my head) I’m mostly okay. I haven’t met anyone else of interest, male or female. And even if I did, I wouldn’t know where to start.

But that’s what scares me. I’m afraid since I’ve dated a guy, what if I’m only attracted to them now? I mean, I still watch straight porn and enjoy it, but since dating Rick I’ve watched gay porn and found that just as enjoyable, if not more so because it was new and exciting. The label of “gay” doesn’t suit me, because my attraction to women hasn’t lessened any. I still can look at a beautiful girl and find her desirable. But now I find guys desirable too, and because it’s a newer avenue, I’m noticing them more and more. I took that rating test thing (is it Kinsey?) and scored an even 3 on the test, placing me right in the middle between homosexual and heterosexual. Which would make me “bisexual”, but I feel like calling myself that is a bit of a cop out. No offense to any bisexuals on the website. It’s not as if I don’t believe that’s an option, because it is, and one of my best friends, Haylie, is bi. And I’ve got no problems with her sexuality. But I feel like if I say I’m bi, than I feel like no one’s going to believe me. (I actually had a good friend who I wasn’t out to tell me bisexuality doesn’t exist, and that bis are just gays who won’t admit it or don’t know it yet) and because of my effeminate nature, people are just going to assume I’m gay. Which makes me even more uncomfortable. With rigid thinkers in my family, they wouldn’t even begin to see bisexuality as an option, and immediately peg me as gay once they found out I dated Rick, or made out with Greg. But I feel bi doesn’t suit me, and I tried the label of pansexual and Greg just laughed at me and thought the whole concept was ridiculous, so I thought maybe that doesn’t fit me either. (No offense to pans) Demisexuality isn’t something I’d feel comfortable with either. (I actually had to explain the concept to a gender and sexuality studies professor at my college as he was going through the various sexual orientations. He’d never heard of it) I don’t feel comfortable with any sort of label other than straight, but I know that’s a lie because I’m not... not entirely anyway. My experience with Rick taught me that. But I wouldn’t call myself gay, and even if I was, I wouldn’t know how to accept that, because the thought makes my stomach turn. It was one thing being with Rick; with him I felt secure, and stable, and I didn’t care because I wasn’t alone. Now, I’m trying to traverse this issue while trying not to freak out about it.

There’s the option of not picking a label, but that received more of a negative response and was deemed an even worse cop out by Greg. And I know you’re probably thinking I should just forget what others say and just do what I want, but I don’t feel like it’s that simple. I feel stifled, and any time I think about telling someone about my past I freeze up. It’s far easier to just pass as straight. Even writing out this whole convoluted mess of a story is taking six pages on my word document, because I don’t know where to start. And I’m only mentioning it because none of you know me and I’m hoping none of you will judge me to harshly. I don’t want to be gay, or bisexual. Haylie calls it “internalized homophobia”, which is definitely true. Because I’ve got no problems with Greg’s sexuality, or Rick’s, or even Franky’s, but the idea of telling others I’m gay makes me miserable. I can’t really pinpoint an exact reason for it, but I know a lot of it is fear. I don’t even want to come out officially, because then everyone’s going to treat me different and I’ll be considered a pariah in my own family. Coming out to the people I trust was hard, and the only reason I’ve been able to type this all out is due to the internet and being anonymous and all that. But rest assured, I’ve written this passage like eight or nine times, trying to lay out exactly what’s going on, and trying to deal with my anxieties over this and struggling not to delete this entire thing and just not mention anything. Joining EC alone was a nerve-wracking experience in itself. I’m I don’t what I am, or even know if I ever want a relationship with a guy again. What I had with Rick was so amazing, and I was so vulnerable and heartbroken when it ended, I don’t think I want to even go back with a guy. But at the same time, I can’t be 100% straight either, as much as I like girls. I’m just afraid since dating Rick I won’t find girls attractive, like he was my “closet key” or something. And because I’m so socially awkward, I have to even get past the hurdles of meeting new people and getting to know them before I can date them, girl or guy. (The idea of dating a stranger baffles me. Like the one night stand thing. No offense to those who do it, but I just can’t see myself going on a blind date or hooking up with a stranger at a bar) I just wish I had a label I’m comfortable with, but I feel like no matter what I say, I’m going to have someone breathing down my neck about it. I don’t even have anyone to really talk to about it, because Haylie’s pressuring me to come out to my friends (Which I don’t feel comfortable doing; I hadn’t even wanted to tell her but did while having a breakdown) Becca, my little sister, and Olviia are straight so they can’t really understand, and Greg has the terrible bedside manner of a doctor, so I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about sensitive stuff like this, because he’ll deem I’m overreacting. I’m not out to Franky, either, I don’t really trust him (Because shortly after Haylie came out as bi, he had all of his female friends try to jump her bones, and she’s in a relationship) because I don’t really know how he’d take the news that me and Rick dated. Ironically Rick is probably the perfect person to go to about this; he was perfectly patient and understanding and never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do. But I can’t talk to him either.

Which is sort of why I’m here. I’m hoping someone here can offer some words of advice, because I’m trying to sort myself out and it’s driving me freaking nuts. I know I probably sound like some scared little kid who was frightened back into the closet after his first gay relationship didn’t work out, and maybe that’s true, but maybe it’s not. Because I don’t know what I am, or how I feel towards either gender except I don’t want to be hurt and find it easier not to deal with anyone at all. But I feel like if I don’t talk to someone I’m going to lose my mind. So I apologize for the seriously long passage, but I’ve got a lot that needs to be worked out. So any insight or helpful advice would be appreciated, and thanks for reading this long passage.

 

i'm typing from my phone so forgive any obvious issues in grammar or punctuation; I'm not anywhere near a computer.

I'm telling myself you both are right, and that maybe I am a bisexual. But then I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I know it's answer I'm not going to be comfortable with. It's the interalized homophobia again. I'd rather be 100 percent straight because I know I'll never be able to be 'out' while remaining at home, and if my next relationship happens to be with a guy, me in the closet is going to be a huge deal breaker. I know it's just me self projecting my family's issues with homosexuality internally, but it's hard not to considering before my friends came out in high school, dispariging remarks is all I heard growing up. My brother had me pegged as 'gay' before Rick or Greg, and it sicks me to know that on some level he's right. Even if he's only half right.

Maybe I should talk to Haylie about this. She's been obsessively been trying to get me to deal with this for months, and confront my internal issues, but I hate doing things like that because then it means dealing with it, something I'm not ready for. I know that if I had someone, be they male or female, to be there for in a romantic capacity the way Rick was I wouldn't give a damn, and would be able to deal with it. So why is it when I'm alone it's impossible to address?

 

That's easy to say, in theory, but putting it into practice is much more difficult. Telling everyone I'm bisexual (if I even am, I'm still not sure on that due to my issues regarding labels) isn't something I'm looking forward to doing. It's an aspect of me I'm never going to like or want to accept, because I don't want to be bbisexual. I don't want to deal with the negative judgments that are going to be coming my way the second I say anything. It's why my relationship with Rick was a secret, and why most of my friends are in the dark about it.

I don't even want to tell them, and I know that I can trust them. Haylie's been trying to get me to open up to them, but the more I consider doing so, the more often I feel sick to my stomach. Even though I tell myself they are trustworthy and wouldn't out me (and I'm surprised the five people I told haven't, especially Greg) I still can't bring myself to tell them. And I know it's because of my trust issues since dating Rick. And with Greg and his mixed signals, I'm more confused than ever because while I hate to admit it, I enjoy the attention. and I don't particularly like it. (Haylie is convince we're going to wind up dating, but that idea makes me extremely ununcomfortable) I'm afraid I only allow Greg to behave weird around me because I'm afraid no one else will like me the way Rick did, and I'm not even able to consider going back out and dating due to all my trust issues and newfound anxiety.

I'm such a wreck. Lol

 

I can't come out. I'm not ready to do that. I'm worried how my parents will take it and I'm afraid my old man will throw me out of the house. (He's extremely conversative, and I'm not sure whether or not he'd officially throw me out of the house if I 'come out') So it's not something I can do right now. Or ever. If I live on my own, then maybe, but for now it's not feasible. So that's not an option yet. Plus I'm not sure how my older brother will take it. He and I don't get along as it is, and as much as I hate him, I don't want to deal with him in coming out, because I know he won't take it well, and I don't know how he'll react. So revealing I'm bi isn't an option.

I still don't like the label of bisexuality, for whatever reason. It makes me uneasy.

 

It's a little more complex than that. I'm 22, so I'm old enough to be thrown out. I don't have the necessary funds to take care of myself. And I'm pretty surr my parents already suspect I'm gay. One night last year, I was having a few drinks with my father (the first time I ever drank with my old man) and we got into a heated argument. I got upset, and despite trying to stop myself, I began to cry. I'm normally pretty emotional for your average guy. And the alcohol in my system certainly hadn't helped.

This didn't suit well with my father. I grew up with the notion that "only girls cry" and he threatened to put me in a dress for getting emotional several times growing up. (He never actually did, thankfully, but it goes to show how much of a sexist jerk my dad is) Anyway, I'm upset because we're arguing over family issues. So I'm crying, and then he starts confronting me on whether or not I'm gay. A good majority of my friends are out and proud (Franky and Greg for starters) and he yells at me, determined to know if I am. I deny it (I had just broken up with Rick a few days ago so I was a wreck anyway, and it wasn't technically a lie if I'm bisexual) but his obviously disgusted reaction and behavior makes it clear he'd probably never aceept it, even if I did come out as bi.

So I can admit it to myself, but by already knowing my father would disapprove bothers me. He Claimed having a "fag" for a son would be fine as it apparently justifies my emotional nature and gives me an excuse to "cry like a girl" but since I denied it, he hasn't bothered bringing up the issue since. He later apologized for his behavior, but it doesn't take back the things he said that night. And it still disgusts me, that he could be so cruel and horrible.

So that's another reason I can never come out, and partially why accepting this is so hard. Because once I admit it, it's going to ruin my already strained relationship with my dad. And though he said some horrible things, he's still my dad. So this isn't easy for me to deal with.

---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 10:12 AM ----------

It's a little more complex than that. I'm 22, so I'm old enough to be thrown out. I don't have the necessary funds to take care of myself. And I'm pretty surr my parents already suspect I'm gay. One night last year, I was having a few drinks with my father (the first time I ever drank with my old man) and we got into a heated argument. I got upset, and despite trying to stop myself, I began to cry. I'm normally pretty emotional for your average guy. And the alcohol in my system certainly hadn't helped.

This didn't suit well with my father. I grew up with the notion that "only girls cry" and he threatened to put me in a dress for getting emotional several times growing up. (He never actually did, thankfully, but it goes to show how much of a sexist jerk my dad is) Anyway, I'm upset because we're arguing over family issues. So I'm crying, and then he starts confronting me on whether or not I'm gay. A good majority of my friends are out and proud (Franky and Greg for starters) and he yells at me, determined to know if I am. I deny it (I had just broken up with Rick a few days ago so I was a wreck anyway, and it wasn't technically a lie if I'm bisexual) but his obviously disgusted reaction and behavior makes it clear he'd probably never aceept it, even if I did come out as bi.

So I can admit it to myself, but by already knowing my father would disapprove bothers me. He Claimed having a "fag" for a son would be fine as it apparently justifies my emotional nature and gives me an excuse to "cry like a girl" but since I denied it, he hasn't bothered bringing up the issue since. He later apologized for his behavior, but it doesn't take back the things he said that night. And it still disgusts me, that he could be so cruel and horrible.

So that's another reason I can never come out, and partially why accepting this is so hard. Because once I admit it, it's going to ruin my already strained relationship with my dad. And though he said some horrible things, he's still my dad. So this isn't easy for me to deal with.

---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 10:12 AM ----------

Sorry for the double post. Phone acting wonky.

 

So I'm going to go with the assumption that I'm bi (for now) until I find a label I feel more comfortable with. Do you have any advice for coming to terms with it, even internally? Because I tell myself I am bi and I still can't seem to be comfortable with it. I had no problems when Rick was around, but now...?

I mean, I'm not taking steps to come out to everyone I know yet, because I figure I should at least get myself to accept it and be comfortable with it before I tell others. So... any advice to make things easier? Admittedly laying it out on the table like this and addressing these issues in the forum helped a tiny bit, as did your words of advice, but I still can't come to terms with it. I try and I feel like I'm going to go into a full blown panic attack. But venting can only do so much, and I do want to figure this out.

 

You have a really good point, unwknown. I know a lot of my issues are because of my family's disapproval. i didn't mean to buy into my parents' beliefs about homosexuality, but as you've pointed out, I've been subconsciously stereotyping homosexuals, even if I don't want to agree with the stereotypes, and for that I apologize. I need to work past my own issues, so I'm going to talk this through with Haylie and see if she can help, because she's bi. But I greatly appreciate all of the advice, Unknown.

Hopefully I'll be able to accept myself, to start. Then I can figure out where to go from there.

 

So I had an interesting experience today that basically cleared up my entire confusion. I was in a bakery, and the woman working behind the counter caught my eye. She had to be around my age, and I found myself blushing, because she's extremely attractive. Beautiful doesn't even cover how amazing she looked. I didn't say much and thankfully my sister ordered my food for me, so I didn't have to put my foot in my mouth. I was far too shy to say anything.

But as I'm eating my cookie and chocolate shake, a young guy around my age is also on the line, waiting to order. And he too, is extremely attractive. But rather than just blushing and fidgeting nervously, I had different, more carnal thoughts about him. I wanted to tear his clothes off and just jump his bones. Naturally I didn't, because he was a stranger, and we were in public, and I'm shy, and while the thoughts filled my head I'd never actually do it. But yeah, I must be bisexual.

So at least I learned something today. I'm still not coming out yet, and I have no idea how I feel about this new-found revelation, but the fact that one of my favorite fictional characters is shamelessly bisexual oddly helps. (I'm a huge RENT fan and I love Maureen) I'm still not 100% peachy with it, but I'm making progress where it's not so bad. Just thought I'd share what I learned today. And thanks for all the advice.

 

I know you're right, whrla, but family's extremely important to me. And I don't mean to obsess over what others think, but I can't help it. It's like second nature for me. I don't like that I worry so much about other's opinions of me, but I don't have the confidence to stand up on my own, completely unafraid of the slings and barbs of those that would insult me. It's much easier pleasing others; it keeps them happy and then I get left alone.

As for the label thing, I tell myself they don't matter but then I get frustrated when I don't know what to call myself. "Me" seems like a very valid option, but as I explained above, it also feels like a cop out. If I just say "I like who I like" then people are going to lump me into a category anyway. So at least then I can choose what category I get lumped into.

So for now I'll choose bisexual, merely based on what I went through today. If things change, then I'll have to address those issues as I go. Is the label perfect? Hell no. But it's something, and it helps (even just a little bit) Coming out to everyone (especially family) is a whole other mountain to climb, but as I'm not really looking for a relationship (Still too raw over what happened with Rick) I really don't have to worry about saying anything for now.

 

The whole "born this way" argument thing troubles me, because, in my experience at least, sexuality can morph and change. I went from being entirely straight and only attracted to girls, to having my most significant and important relationship with a guy. When I said I would "choose" bisexuality, I meant the label, or calling myself that word. I didn't mean you can simply choose your orientation, because from what I've heard you can't (although it is subject to change, as it is in my case) But I don't feel like I was "born" bisexual at all, simply because for the first twenty years of my life I was fully straight. Granted, I understand what you mean, because you can't exactly fight what your body wants, and I know gays and other oppressed people don't "choose" to be gay, (I wouldn't choose to be bisexual and I didn't choose to fall in love with a guy, I just did) they just are, so really I'm not using the proper terminology and I probably sound like an asshole. I'm honestly not trying to come off as offensive and I apologize to anyone I accidentally offend.

As for the coming out plan regarding messing with my family, that idea sounds AMAZING and I may have already implemented it, albeit inadvertently. I had taken Rick to see that show for my birthday, prompting my older sister to ask my younger sister (who is the only family member to know all of us) to ask if I was gay. My younger sister, bless her, denied it. But on another instance, I had one of my extremely attractive friends over (who happens to be a girl) and my father was impressed I had her alone in my room. (We didn't do anything except drink and watch Mean Girls. The girl in question's not into me romantically, though she is very pretty) So I'm already sending my family mixed messages as it is. But if I decide to come out to them at some point, that's probably how I'll do it, because that sounds hilarious.

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, Unknown. My brother's no better in regards to acceptance. He and I don't get along and I hate him on his own merits anyway, even before my orientation became an issue. But this just would add another reason for us to be at odds, and as much as I hate him he's bigger than me and I'd hate for him to resort to violence. (He's not abusive, thank GOD, but there was a particularly harrowing instance where he almost became violent after a few too many drinks. Fortunately I wasn't harmed. But this worries me, and I'm afraid he will turn violent at some point and being bi or gay just adds fuel to the fire) Plus, my old man doesn't approve of any sort of homosexuality, though he'll tolerate other gays in his presence, but I know he won't take me being "bi" well, and I don't want to disappoint him. Yeah, he's said some horrible things, but he is still my father and by no means is he a bad father, as intolerant as he is.

Things aren't so bad at home since I have my little sister. We're very close, and she took the news of me being bisexual extremely well. I'll never forget her words when I explained I was dating Rick, and when I asked her if she had a problem with it, she goes: "Why should I care who you date? You're still you. That doesn't change anything." (*hug*) So she's the best. Another pillar of support came in the most unlikely of places: My grandmother. I haven't come out to her yet, but she had heard of the drunken fight with my father described above, and the next day she called me to check up on me. She never asked if I was gay or not, but merely informed me that she loved me no matter what I was and nothing would change that. This is especially surprising considering she's very religious and makes an effort to go to church every Sunday, and presumably grew up in a far less accepting time period. So her acceptance amazes me, and I plan on telling her when she comes to visit for the summer.

But aside from my little sister and my grandmother, everyone else is far too intolerant to deal with, at least for now. I know if I date a girl in the future, I won't even have to come out of the closet, and if I date a guy, I'll come out like throwing a grenade... Simply say it and then run like hell and keep him away from the insanity that is my family. Not sure if I'm bisexual or what. Can someone explain that "romantic" stuff? That's when you're attracted to a person on an emotional level, but not a physical one, right? I get all these names and definitions screwed up. (I still mix up pan and demi, for example)