First off, this is going to be a very long post and I apologize for that. I appreciate anyone who reads the whole thing. I will probably work on this post for a few hours. So I'm a 21 year old guy. When I was growing up, I never really considered the thought that I might be gay. In 9th grade, there was a rumor that me and my best (guy) friend were gay. It was never a big deal and didn't really affect me at the time, I laughed it off. Of course I wasn't gay, he was just my best friend at school. I was pretty confident in the fact that I was interested in girls and I have dated a handful of girls since about 8th grade. As the years went by, I became more and more of an isolated person. Never really had a good social life. I spent most of my days in high school on my computer at home. I tried the crew team out for a few seasons, never really enjoyed it. Have never been into sports very much. As I have grown up, it seems that I have spent most of my time looking at other people having fun and never feeling like I was truly enjoying life myself. It almost didn't matter what I did. I got into biking, weight lifting, motorcycling (which remains my sole mode of transportation and a big part of my life), and other hobbies and activities that always satisfied me for a short period of time but never left me feeling truly fulfilled. I feel like I have never been a happy person ever since some point in my early teen years. When I was 11, I moved halfway across the world, and my parents got divorced. It never really seemed to have much of an emotional effect on me. Either that, or I bottled up my feelings so well that I don't remember having any emotional response. I think when I was about 14 or 15, I had the first realization that I might be gay. Of course I denied it and kept on trucking. I never felt like I was "one of the guys" and could never really become good friends with anyone, male or female. I simply shut my emotions out and pretended like everything was OK. Fast forward a few years, and the depression started to set in. Looking back, I think in the very back of my mind I knew that possibly being gay was probably a factor in the depression, but I never accepted and acted on that feeling. I simply started seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants. The happy pills helped, I felt better about everything but still never felt truly happy or comfortable with myself. Since about age 10, I have been slightly overweight, not fat but just enough that I was not comfortable taking my shirt off at the pool or beach. At the current moment, I am a healthy 5'9" and 175 pounds. My weight has always fluctuated over the last 5 years. I go crazy dieting then gain the weight back months later. Anyone in their right mind would say that now I am in good shape. Not skinny or ripped but not even chubby by any means. I'd like to feel that way too. But I don't. Regardless, my self-image issues aside, I need to start talking about why I think I might be gay. For probably the last 5 years, and more so recently, I have found that I become uncomfortable and nervous around guys. I can't just be myself and have a good time. I tried the alcohol route in college, but found that the more drunk I got, the more I wanted to just eat food and go back to my room and be alone. Almost every time I get drunk, I search for some sort of gay satisfaction. Whether its scouring Craigslist personals, posting my own (more on that later), or watching LGBT porn. I have been keeping these feelings to myself for years, and I am ready to just about explode. I had one time when I was alone in my dorm at school, posted a personal ad on Craigslist, a guy came over, we got high, we gave each other head, that's it. I didn't hate it, I might be afraid to admit that I liked it. Where am I now. Well, I have had a wonderful girlfriend for the past 13 months. I have never even hinted to her that I might be gay. She has no idea, although I'm sure if I told her she would not be that surprised in retrospect. I tell myself that I love her, she is a fantastic, caring, loving, and affectionate person. I even enjoy having sex with her believe it or not. But do I TRULY love her? I don't even know myself. About a month ago, I dumped her. I don't know why I did it, it came completely out of nowhere. I didn't even think it through myself. She called me one day and I was not feeling like putting up an act anymore, she could tell something was wrong. I went over to her house, she gave me all the things I had bought her back to me. She asked if it was ever real. She cried. I felt terrible. Deep down I knew why. but on the surface I asked myself Why the hell did I do this? Was it because I'm gay, I don't know. A few days passed, I felt alone and even more depressed. She came over to get her stuff from my apartment. We talked and got back together. I know, what the hell am I doing right now. Well, this is the situation I'm in. I am terrified to think that I am gay. I am not even 100% sure that I am. I still find girls attractive and all, but I think I might just be trying to make myself think these thoughts. I find it hard to maintain eye contact with another guy and have a real conversation about anything without getting uncomfortable. I feel more comfortable talking to girls, although I try not to do it too much so I don't seem gay. So I end up being alone most of the time, afraid to be myself, afraid to let my guard down and have fun, and afraid to live life. I have some friends from home, but recently when I hang out with them I can only think about the fact that if they found out I was gay, they would probably never want to talk to me again. Sometimes I think that a few of them might be gay too, although I have no evidence to support this theory. I think about being gay, coming out, being depressed, how badly I will hurt my girlfriend, and related things ALL THE TIME. It has made me into a zombie. I can hardly function at work anymore (I am on a 6 month internship at a large toy company). I feel like when talking to people, I am walking on egg shells. I sometimes find myself holding tears back during meetings. I read stories of people coming out and it made me cry. I have thought of suicide a lot. I have thought about how much it would pain my friends and family and I don't think I could ever actually do it. I have fantasized about coming out, the relief and pain I would feel. I have pondered what it might be like to be happy and self confident. I am a good looking, very intelligent guy. If I were straight, I could get any girl I wanted. These are the things I tell myself. I feel a sense of relief knowing that I COULD come out, get through the bumps, and live a fulfilling and happy life. I have read about famous gay people and how successful they have been. I know that my family would accept me for who I was and would probably cry tears of joy if they knew I was finally truly happy. But I simply can't bring myself to tell anyone or act on my feelings. I am a very straight acting person. But sometimes I wonder if some people think I'm gay. Hell I don't even know what to do at this point. Writing this thread is probably the first step and I can ALMOST feel relief coming knowing that I MIGHT end up a happy person. So for those who read through this whole post, I thank you sincerely. Any and all advice is welcome. I need help, I want to be happy and I should be happy. I have so much going for me in life. Being depressed makes me feel hopeless about everything.
Have you read the 5 Stages Of Grief? It's on this website, in the resources tab at the top of the page. Sounds to me that you're hanging between the 3rd and 4th stage (Bargaining and Depression). It can be a long process overall, accepting yourself isn't always easy. Besides reiterating that there's absolutely nothing wrong with homosexuality, I don't think there's much I can suggest at this stage. If it's anything like me (and I think that might be the case), your incapacity to accept yourself is based on irrational fears, but thinking about what those fears might be will yield no immediate answer. It's like being afraid of the Closet monster when there's no closet. Although the real answer may be a fear of being "different" and not knowing what that difference entails. Perhaps making a list of reasons why you think you're gay could be a start. See what attracts you about males, what attracts you about females in comparison. What arouses you more, gay porn or straight porn? Do you find yourself looking at other men and fantasizing (when you let yourself look at other men that is)? What about when you were 14-15, what made you think you were gay? If given a chance, would you see yourself in a relationship with another male? As you continue to go through the signs of your sexual orientation, you'll gradually come to accept them and accept yourself as well. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those thoughts, and you have a right to take that path and be happy.
