I'm feeling horrible because I'm 26 and I still don't know if I'm a bisexual or a lesbian. I guess the label isn't THAT important but I feel that it would perhaps make my life a bit easier. I have GLTB-friends but not close ones, not anyone I could talk to really. Or I guess I could, but it makes me nervous because I like to think I'm really independent and I don't know how to rely on other people and let them see my weaknesses. My lesbian friends are far away and they've all been in serious relationships for years, I find it hard to talk to them about many things. I used to have a few good gay male friends here, but they moved away and now the guys that are left are not that close to me. And I feel like I bore them if I want to talk about girls or about lesbian stuff. There's one gay girl I know, I think I should friend her just to get some lesbian interaction in my life (like "hello you're gay right? me too in a way, do you want to be my friend?") even though it would make me seem pathetic. I was in a straight relationship for four years. I love him and he loves me but I have slowly started to admit to myself that my love for him is platonic. I was never that into sex with him or any other guy for that matter. I feel uninterested, anxious, like I'm violating myself by doing something I'm not comfortable with when I'm having sex with a guy. The first time might be alright because everything is still new with a new person, but after that I lose interest, especially since so far my sexual experiences haven't been that great or exciting. I love the comfort and companionship that came along with the relationship, even though there were also a lot of things that weren't perfect. We broke up, were apart for a a month, and yesterday we agreed we should get back together. I thought it would be a good idea, because I miss him a lot, he's my best friend, but now everything feels weird, like the way we were before is broken. I'm not sure if it's because of the relationship itself or because I feel like I'm going backwards if we're going to be together again. Like I'm going into the closet, into something that I'm not fully comfortable with. During the month we were apart, I started seeing the positive side of being single again even though I missed him a lot and felt weird being alone. I also feel bad because I feel like love is something you should treasure and I'm just throwing away love for something I'm unsure of. But I don't want to waste his time or lead him astray anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to hurt myself either. I do not know what is the right decision regarding this relationship. I haven't told him yet that I feel like maybe we shouldn't be together after all. I want to make a final decision, either to be fully and happily together with him or break up for good. Once we talked about having a break, but he doesn't agree with it. It's all or nothing for him. There aren't that many cute girls here where I live. I like edgy, cute girls with a nice style - doesn't really matter which kind of style, any kind of cool street fashion or style of their own.. The girls here are really "heterosexual" with mini dresses, high heels, long nails, etc. That doesn't attract me really but I guess it wouldn't even matter to them because they are so straight. There's one super cute girl here, she's my ex-colleague that I never even see anymore. I had a dream about her last night and after that I just feel more like I shouldn't get stuck in this straight relationship. I should pursue my interest in girls. But what if it will be all for nothing? I'll end up alone and sad. I'm definitely sure that I like girls because I've kissed a few and made out with one when I was about 18-20. And I've had crushes on many many girls, even felt like I was in love with one who sadly didn't love me back. (However now I haven't had a proper crush on a girl in years, maybe because of the way a lot of the girls are here.) Sometimes I fantasize about girls, however sometimes there are times when I feel quite asexual but not completely. The question is if I like guys, if I'm a bisexual or a lesbian. If I should work on this straight relationship or give up because it's hopeless. The GLBT circles here lack lesbians really. I checked out a dating website and it was so quiet there. I think if I labeled myself as an out lesbian, I'd find someone eventually, but I don't want to label myself as a lesbian when I'm not sure if I am one. I'm thinking about moving to somewhere, to some larger city, but I have a fairly nice life here so I'm unsure about moving as well. I definitely wish to get some experience with a girl. I get along with boys really well and I think that confuses me a lot. I see them as friends, then they admit they are into me, and I think "I guess I could see how it goes between us" and go on a date with them, maybe even end up in a relationship with them.. That has happened a couple of times since I was sixteen. Last time that happened a week ago when I went on a date with a guy I know. He's funny and great but I don't have a crush on him. Or maybe a "friend crush", I think he's a great friend and we along really well. I find it really hard to talk about my feelings because I don't know how I feel and then I don't know how to make decisions and I just let other people lead the way. I guess I should stop that because that makes me end up on straight dates and straight relationships. I wish girls asked me out the way boys do but no This mess also makes me so worried about what other people would think of me. I know that sounds stupid but I do worry about it. What would my family think of me if I told them I broke up with the boy they consider their son? What would my family think of me if I told them I was dating a girl? What would society think of me in that case? My colleagues, my childhood friends, etc. Sometimes I don't care what everyone thinks of me, but other days the burden of being something weird and different is too much. I already feel strange as it is and then add being a bi/lesbian on top of that. I'm sorry for this ramble which is a horrible first post and introduction and probably sounds really selfish and immature. I just want to get some things off my chest. I really wish to become an active member in this community, get to know people, take part in conversations and not talk about myself all the time haha. Thanks for listening (if you did read this through )
