Can't accept that I'm straight?

Hi Traveler--

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. The issue of sexuality, even for people not struggling with their orientation, can be crazy-making.

There are a lot of questions and issues in your story that, given my limited experience, I can't speak to. For example, sexuality is fluid, and people are sometimes not 100% in one direction or another. Not being one of those people, however, I'll let someone else speak to that.

You asked whether your coming out story is typical. I'll share with you what I know from my own experience.

I'm 42 and just now coming out. When I'm rawly honest with myself, I've known my whole life. I've managed, though, to push it way back into my consciousness because it was just too messy to deal with. For example, I'm now on my second marriage.

But now that I'm being open with myself, the feeling is unmistakable. There is no question I'm gay. I just am. I like women the same way people might say, "I just like donuts." There's no question there for me, although at times in my life, I have tried to rationalize it away by asking many of the same questions you're asking: Am I really gay? Maybe it's a phase. Maybe I'm just dis-satisfied by my current boyfriend.

But the reality is, none of that way true, and I knew it. Just pretended not to.

Regardless of where I was in my relationship to my sexuality, none of my interests were ever forced. They were just there, the way some women are just attracted to men--no questions asked.

The fact that you have to force yourself to fantasize about men and that you know if you were to sleep with a guy, you'd be lying to yourself because you're not interested in touching another man strongly suggests to me you're not gay. When I think about women, I don't have that problem.

And I believe dreams are messages from our subconscious. I pay attention to them, especially when the message is as strong and straightforward as it was in your dream. I think you're trying to tell yourself something there.

I don't know what might be going on with you and women that caused you to question your sexuality, but I'm willing to bet there are others who can give you advice there. Not actually having a penis myself, I'm not really familiar with the intricacies of their working--when then work, when they don't and why and what it might mean. I'll just punt that one.

Good luck to you, Traveler. I hope you're able to find peace and acceptance.

--Zoe

 

Hey Traveler,

Take heart. There are people here who can help you.

I don't know much about what it means to be asexual, but it doesn't sound like you fir that description, because right after you say it, you mention that you are completely sexually attracted to women.

But everything you've said in the second post confirms what I thought before--you're not gay.

I wonder if the issue isn't something unrelated to your sexuality per se. Could your uneven history with girls say something about the individuals girls you were with? Perhaps you were more into some of them than others?

I'm really sorry this is causing such stress and disruption in your life. I know this is easier for me to say than it is to do, but I think you need to give yourself a break: Be kinder to yourself. Know that this is a complex issue and many people take years to come to a full understanding of who they are. It can't be rushed. Take a break from the porn and if possible, from thinking about it every moment of the day. Take a breath and realize that everything will happen in its own time. You don't have to try to rush to come to an understanding of who you are.

And don't deprive yourself of friends. Just hang out with them and what happens, happens. If you're attracted to a woman, great. Then work out your feelings about that individual woman. You don't have to have it all figured out going in.

Do you have someone you can talk to in real time? Perhaps a therapist? If that's a possibility for you, I would strongly recommend talking to one. If not, perhaps a trusted friend or family member (cousin, aunt, etc.). Talking these feelings through with someone will really help you sort them out.

--Zoe

 

Well first, I want to share some of my story so you (hopefully) don't feel so weird.

First though, I'm pretty sure you're a heterosexual cisgendered man. It's ultimately up to you to decide, but in this one case, I think it would help hearing that you sound straight from someone else. You're not gay or trans as far as I can tell. If you are, I don't think you'll have a hard time accepting either.

I'm a male-to-female transsexual, and one of the things that kept me in the closet for so long is, I like girls. That isn't to say I don't like anything about men. The thought, when I'm en femme so to speak, of being desired by a man is really awesome. And even though I have had limited experience with this, when boys are being nice to me or give me compliments I feel sometimes like... well it's hard to explain; I'd totally be willing to kiss someone on the cheek if they were going out of their way to earn it, I'll put it that way. But sexually I know I could never be happy with a man. It's a huge turn off, both the idea and just the male form. Sex just won't work. And there's a... I guess connection is the right word but it's hard to describe... I can only feel with another woman, either making her happy or being made happy by her. I just need a female partner in that way. And really romantically, I could only share my life at that level with another woman too.

So the thing is, for a long time, I struggled with my identity. And part of that struggle, was a lot like yours. I didn't always accept myself as a woman but even then I read a lot of TG fiction, both for self acceptance and I'll admit it to get off, and a lot of the authors happened to be straight - that is, when they inevitably turned into women in the story, they had sex with men. And the effect was always kind of weird, because of course I viewed myself as the woman in the story. Describing it... I felt like more of a woman which made things feel better, but the idea of a male partner made me feel worse in a lot of ways, both turned off and this weird panicky "leave me alone I said no asshole" feeling, and I felt a weird pressure both to go on and stop. I guess that's as close as I can get. Sorry for all the elipses and being vague just this stuff is hard to put into words. But it was enough that I just stopped reading TG erotica entirely, and started reading ordinary sapphic stuff. Unfortunately, guys tended to show up in that too :| But this isn't "cassie rant about what's wrong with lesbian erotica and porn" time so I'll stop.

So what I'm saying is, my reasons were different, but I totally get what you're saying. I've experienced being male bodied, and trying and failing to be attracted to men. I mean, you're trying to deviate from the norm in a way, but you're "normal", and mother nature can't be fooled, and the whole thing just screws with your head.

As far as the denial thing, I get that too. I think there are probably a lot of women in my situation that start out identifying as "lesbian" that, after they experience hormone replacement therapy, find out they are bi or straight. I think that, because a lot of women in my position get warned about it. Some sexuality is fluid and I'm positive every story I've heard was honest and came from the heart, but I think the frequent warnings come from some stereotypes about women like me holding on to our male identity, because when I identify as "gay" instead of "lesbian" - which both mean the same darn thing to me - then I get fewer warnings. My theory is "gay" is a label that is very difficult for men to adopt, so if I'm willing to adopt it, then there must be more "reality" to it. Even though I'm still waiting until August for hormones.

So I know what does that have to do with you, right? Well the point is, there's part of me that feels exactly what you do - that I must be a gay guy in denial. Or more to the point I don't really feel that way, but whenever I do something weird I imagine people assuming I am. And I guess I eventually just came to terms with it.

The way I deal with it is, I use the label "queer". Or if I imagine the words "you're gay", I just mentally reply "hey close enough". I mean I am gay depending on how I'm being read.

So I'm not the type to really prescribe advice for people, but in this case I think our situations are similar enough that I'll make an exception. Have you thought about just identifying as "queer" ? "Queer" could mean just anything. And then you can go home and enjoy straight porn and even seek out a girlfriend. And whenever the voice of denial crops up in your head telling you matter-of-factly that you are a gay man in denial, you can just mentally reply "actually, I'm queer", without explaining what it means.

I mean, I think what that part of you that feels like a gay man in denial is, is just, we hear other people say things, and kind of internalize them. I think that because I've been finding LOTS of stuff like it in my head since coming out trans. It's like, it's coming from our head, so we assume it's part of us, but it really isn't. What's really crazy is, I used to get angry at that part of me that said I was a gay man. Like another part of me would get ready to answer back "oh I get it, all lesbians really just need the right guy to turn 'em straight, hunh, is that it?". So like I said, I really think this is more "stuff you hear from other people" or "stuff you expect other people to say" than "you".

And if you ever do feel the need to explain what "queer" means, and you wanna make it mean something, why not be an ally?

 

I'm so glad I've been able to help you a little bit.

As for your comment about maybe being bi, I think it's completely normal for everyone to occasionally be attracted to a member of the same sex. That doesn't mean that everyone wants to actually act on it. It just happens--we're human. Sometimes we can't help but notice that a member of the same sex is attractive. I mean, look at all of the publicity Bromances are getting these days.

Oh, about your comment about women and liquid courage--now, I'm certainly not an expert, but I understand that having a lot of alcohol in your system makes it more difficult to, um, perform. It also makes you very sleepy. That may also have been part of the problem.

It sounds like you're feeling better and putting things into perspective. That's great to hear. I think what you're doing is exactly what you need to be doing right now. Give yourself a break, don't worry about sexuality, just do what comes naturally, which sounds like it's being attracted to women. Hang out with your friends and have a great time. It'll work itself out.

--Zoe

 

I think I can relate to you a bit. If you want to, you can go to my own previous threads and see.

The panic sucks, you fell sick and sad all day and at night when you sleep you find not relieve but a certain... delay? Like it saved your thoughts for when you get up. No peace, no rest. Always wondering, always testing, always the same. It becomes a reality, a never ending cycle of test and pass, test and pass, test and pass. But you never feel quite better for long do you.

My suggestion to you, adopt a "whatever" attitude.

Fight it, do everything in your power to stop testing and say "Whatever" to it. It may make you feel panicked and worse for a while, but end the cycle. Just stop the madness.

---------- Post added 31st May 2013 at 11:07 PM ----------

I can tell you first hand,

I was in denial for a while, but it was more like "I enjoy gay porn, but I can't be gay".

You seem different

 

Well, I guess I think that the question is, What is driving your obsession? And I don't think that's the sort of question you can answer on your own. You keep getting in your own way, arguing with yourself, doubting yourself, condemning yourself. You need to talk to someone who can help you cut through that.