What is wrong with me?

(This post may have some sexual points, I wasn't sure what was appropriate but I tried to be tasteful.)

So for only about a few months ago I decided that I was going to "permanently" become a lesbian. Ha....hahahaha. It wasn't that easy. Because to be honest, I self identified as bisexual with female preference for several years before that and only decided to "permanently" become lesbian as a result of my distate for many things male.

...But I don't really think I dislike men as much as I believe. Sure it's easy to be surrounded by male ******bags where I am. But not all men are like that. There are plenty of sweet guys out there (right? o.o) so I shouldn't judge like that...But do I REALLY want relationships with a guy...or with a girl...or both? Am I really asexual when I'm so easily turned on by things and intersted in the naked body as an art form? I am definitely in a questioning state right now.

I suppose I'll make a list of points and let you guys be the judge. Well, maybe not judge me but just maybe give me some advice? Pretty please? xD Sorry if I ramble but that's what my brain does.

--- When I was a kid I was attracted to girls and boys. Externally I would talk about how romantic a male prince in a cartoon movie or male hero is, and look at cute guys, stuff like that. Internally though, I was also very attracted to the princesses in cartoons and female characters in things. I always thought about how pretty a lot of girls were, that I'd like to kiss them and hold their hand, be with them forever. I never voiced any of those feelings out loud however.

--- I had a lot of bad experiences with the male gender over my time...Sexual abuse, most of my bullies in school were male which really upset me because I was taught that guys were never mean to girls. Now that I'm older I notice that a ton of guys my age are all the same- hotblooded superficial jerks. Does this give me the right to judge ALL males as being this way? No of course not. Yet I must admit I don't enjoy being around guys unless they are really nice and outgoing....

--- ...But I don't really like being around *anyone* that's not extremely close to me outside the house. I have always had extreme shyness, quiet voice, stuttering, panic attacks, a severe anxiety disorder that's now developing into a sort of agoraphobia unfortuneatly.

--- I still find boys and girls attractive and can point out people of both sexes that I'd like. Under the clothes, on the other hand, it's another story.

--- I don't really find penises attractive at all. I've never been interested in touching them, ewww. Not really all that excited about the thought of them touching me either. Double ewww.

--- On girls, I love breasts so much. They are wonderful and beautiful. xD Vaginas? Eh. They can be beautiful to look at but I've never overtly wanted to touch another girl's vagina or have her touch mine.

--- I like the anal area on guys and girls a lot. (this is getting awkward ;__

--- I masturbate quite often to many fantasises, but 99% of the time it is other girls I think about. I never insert anything because the thought bothers me and doesn't do anything for me but hurt.

--- I have many fetishes that don't have much to do with orientation, but of note is that in all of them I never want to have anything inserted vaginally. Ever. Not even another girl can insert anything. I also have considered buying a life sized realistic love doll...a female love doll, naturally. <3 So that I could become a true agoraphobic with a plastic girlfriend? Idk. To have one just seems nice, like I could dress her up pretty and have her sit with me and stuff. I'm so ridiculous. %>%

--- I have done sexual things with a close female friend in the past, I enjoyed it despite being pressured into it. I tried to do sexual things with a long distance boyfriend in the past. The foreplay while in clothes was nice, kissing was passionate, but after the clothes came off I was so embarassed being naked with him that I wanted to go hide somewhere...we tried vaginal sex but it didn't fit in and that only made me ten times more embarassed, like I failed him by failing to turn him on. He broke up with me for his ex, I've accepted the fact that he was a jerk who cheated. Yet I still feel that I would be a failure trying to have sex with men. Even more I feel that I would be a failure dating men in general- my trust that he wouldn't cheat, my looks, my own incompetence.

--- To put it bluntly, men scare me and bring out my shyness/embarassment so much more than girls. I feel more comfortable with other women. With dating, I feel that with a guy he would have to be a knight in shining armor while I'm very meek...whereas with a girl I would be stronger/more capable and possibly be HER knight in shining armor.

--- I have decided to not have children until I am at least 30. Once I'm that old I'll decide if I really want kids or not. If I were in a lesbian relationship, then it would likely be adopted children. Somehow it nags at me though that I'm the last one with my family name and that adopting would mean an end to my bloodline or something.

--- The thing that attracts me most to others, male or female, is how kind they are. I'm tired of jerks, and kind people really shine for me in an attractive light no matter what they look like physically. I am attracted easily to kind, outgoing men and women. As I am obviously an extreme case of introverted, someone who is outgoing but nice enough to tolerate my issues, be gentle with me yet nudge me out of my shell sometimes is what would be a good match.

--- I am ready to accept being a lesbian or being bisexual. I lean towards bisexual with female preference because I cannot deny that I do find myself attracted to men who fit the description above here^.

--- ...The only problem then comes with the sexual part. Am I truly an Asexual or will I warm up to sex with another person, ever? I am fairly positive(?) that I never want anything inside me vaginally but where will I find a man/woman who accepts that? Possibly I may be a sexual person but the barrier of social anxiety in the prescence of another person increases so much when you become naked. So maybe I am just scared of having sex rather that don't want to, as you can see I am a sexual person when alone with myself. And if it's just that I'm scared, perhaps if I spend a long time with someone I love then I'll know them well enough to approach the idea of having sex.

Makes me wonder if the concept of "waiting until marriage" isn't such a bad idea for me. Because with my shyness it would probably take me until marriage to be that comfortable with someone.

Now that I find myself questioning these things, I feel so embarassed that I told my good friends "I'm a lesbian." I need to stop jumping onto things like that when I am unsure.

Whether I am lesbian or bisexual, I cannot tell my parents. It's just the facts. Home life is volitale enough right now and my parents have made it clear that homosexuals/bisexuals are to be ridiculed and not accepted, ever. They are not accepting of many things about me, they certainly would not accept this.

I may be moving from my father's and stepmother's to my mother's house (moving out will probably end up in a fit of rage no matter how gentle I bring it up, not sure whether I or my father will be the enraged one) while I search for either a job, or if a job fails because of my disability that is the root of my incompetence in public then I'll have to look for government assistance. From that point I will likely remain in poverty with my mother until I can figure something else out for my future. I just hope I do not go entirely down her path to the point I can't get out of poverty ever. Eh, that's another story though.

Sorry to take up your time, and thanks for reading. I'd really appreciate any advice you may have on my sexuality.

 

Thanks Hexagon.

It's good to know that someone relates and that masturbation does not equal being sexual necessarily. I think that maybe I should relax and just be me, you know? Let people accept me for whatever I feel at the time. Perhaps be a fluid - sexual? Lol.

I would also like to clarify that I may have meant that I am confused about being PANSEXUAL or Lesbian, not bisexual. I forgot that pansexual includes cross-dressing and transsexuals, which I can also be attracted to romantically, while I think bisexual does not. I think I transitioned from bisexual to pansexual awhile ago before settling on lesbian and now I'm considering going back to pansexual. I need to calm down and stop switching, lol. It's just hard to figure out what I really feel and the gender that I would be willing to devote it all to, or whether I would be able to feel that special way about all genders.

 

I came across the idea of "Panromantic Lesbian" here on the forum...perhaps this fits me best?

I'm still a bit confused about it all though.