Hating myself for being gay

Oh. My. Gosh. (*hug*)

I'm so sorry your parents are putting you through that conversion therapy crap. I've never been in one but I'll tell you this: don't listen to a word they say! It's no wonder you feel like total crap. This will sound pretty mean, but they're the cause of you feeling bad about yourself being gay. They're expecting you to change something you simply can't and shouldn't. You can't "convert" gay the same way you can't "convert" someone from being black or asian to being white. I like to believe that sexual preference is a biological/genetical thing which you have NO control over. And the moment you realize that, your fight begins.

You gotta hold out, try and get yourself out of that therapy. Try and find out about your rights where you live. And don't hate yourself for being gay. It's not your fault that your gay and you being gay is not even the reason you're being put through this mess. Your parents are trying to change you to their liking becase they can't accept you for who you are. Don't let them! Because that will cause you to lead a very very very unhappy life, if at all. If you let this happen, it could damage you for life. (sorry for the scary statements, but I want you to realize that what they're trying to do is so wrong in so many ways and pretty much goes against the human rights) And there's no such thing as "to straighten out", you're fine just the way you are. It's how nature made you and there's nothing wrong with you. Okay?

 

OK listen. My parents too never wanted me to be gay and although they had some gay friends,homosexuality was treated something like a taboo in the house.
My mum would scold me if i said that Matt Bommer is hotter than the sun(not with those exact words but i slipped me and said i think he's handsome). This times 10. All the time. They just would not have a gay son,not them not ever.

That pushed me so far back into the closet that me myself believed it.

But the past year where i've been out of town studying, i had time to come to terms with it and i'm really happy right now! It feels right, it feels good. I love that i find the guy sitting next to me on the plane attractive!

What i'm saying is, I know how it feels to have parents who try to suppress you but i also know that being who you are,loving who you are is the best feeling in the world!
I know this conversion therapy is tough,I've never been through it i can't talk but i just want to say that you should try and forget about it...:/ And certainly, CERTAINLY no suicide thought! Try to force happiness in your life, I have a friend who's stuggling with depression right now and talking abut it,being with positive people really helps! Even listening to chearfull music makes her happy!(see "Top of the World" - Best Song Ever)

Because there is someone out there for you,love is out there, happiness too!!! And that's how i feel right now. The toughest part is waiting for it to come... It might seem too far away but if you open your mind and world to other people it will come!
But in the meantime, personally, i plan on learning how to have fun by myself... And let me tell you, i'm pretty awesome! And i bet you're too! Today i spent all day traveling back home, by myself, and i had the best time(+ 2 crushes).

Bottom-line is, life is gonna be amazing for you, and your past will only make you a stronger person. If your parents can't accept that,to hell with them. If you're still at your parents house,get out of that poisonous environment.

Hope that helps,hope i didn't come off weird all i'm saying is with the best of intentions!
Good Luck.
John

 

Hey There, lssl and welcome to EC--

I know you're still living with your parents, but is it possible for you to seek out a new therapist? I'm wondering if you're seeing a psychiatrist given your new diagnosis.

OK--perhaps first things first:

I can't agree more with the replies above. This is not about you being wrong. It's about your parents being wrong. Actually, although they may think they're acting out of love, they're actually being quite cruel. I'd love for you to talk to other trusted adults (therapist, counselor, parent of a friend) so you can see that much of the world is not like that. Yes, there are people who are. But not everyone. I don't know where you live, but I live in the American South, and I know it can sometimes feel that everyone here is conservative and bigoted. I have to remind myself that that isn't the case. I think it would help you, too.

Second, your diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder is very serious. You may have to get that under control by taking meds before you handle anything else. It's difficult to deal with emotion issues when your brain is a little out of control. I'm not a fan of running to drugs for every problem, but I know something about Bi-Polar Disorder from personal experience with a dear friend. Consistent use of the correct drugs will help a tremendous lot in even-ing you out. A therapist can be a huge help, too.

And listen carefully: You are not bi-polar because you're not straight. You are bi-polar because something is going hey-wire in your brain. Yes, depression can certainly be brought on by life events, no doubt. It, too, though, is often about brian chemicals. By bi-polar disorder is a different beast. It has nothing to do with your gayness.

And drugs alone aren't enough--please see a psychiatrist or therapist.

And please, please, please don't hate yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. The problem is your environment and the people around you.

A couple of recommendations:

I don't know if you enjoy reading, but there's a great book called "The Top Frive Regrets of the Dying." Sounds morbid, but it's really about how to live a good life, one you won't regret. The author is an in-home hospice worker, and she's talked to lots of people who know they're dying. As they reflect back on their lives, they talk about what they wish that had done differently.

And you know what many of them say? That they had had the courage to be themselves. That they had lived false lives to please others, and now their time was over. Please, please don't live your life in a way you'll look back on in many, many years only to regret. So not worth it.

Don't give up hope. We're here for you.

--Zoe