More comfortable labeling self as gay, but still uncertain and don't want to come out

Re: More comfortable labeling self as gay, but still uncertain and don't want to come

Hello Parsley,

It sounds to me like you're gay. When you took it for a mental test drive (a phrase I love and something I did myself), it felt genuine to you. That's how I feel.

As far as getting into a relationship or outing ourself and then not dating, I don't think it's a big deal. I'm in the process of coming out (two people so far!), and I'm married. When I get divorced, which is inevitable, I don't plan on dating right away. I don't have someone waiting for me (which isn't to say I'd turn an opportunity down....).

I think what I'm trying to say is that your sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not you're in a relationship with either gender. It doesn't make you a fraud. People know they're hetero and don't hesitate to admire or talk about the opposite sex, and I imagine none of them feel like frauds.

Does any of this make any sense? Answer your question? Help at all?

And I'm a little unsure if you want to come out at all yet. Your subject heading suggests that you don't, but your post suggests that you do. Perhaps you're still working on that....

--Zoe

 

Re: More comfortable labeling self as gay, but still uncertain and don't want to come

Hello Parsley,

It sounds like you're struggling with many of the same issues so many of us go through. I know I spent years wondering if I was really gay. Did my feelings mean anything? What if I came out and then regretted it because I wanted to be with men again? What would it mean for my job if I came out (I"m a high school teacher in a very conservative part of the country)?

So I spent years either going round and round in my head or simply repressing all those thoughts and feelings.

Finally, it got to a point where it was simply obvious to me that I was gay--that's all there was to it. And continuing to hide it just felt pointless and a little silly.

That doesn't mean my coming out won't be filled with challenges--like telling my husband--but at least it's crystal clear to me now and I can see all the ways I avoided or denied it in the past.

What I mean to say it that maybe you're just not there yet, and that's perfectly fine. There are still some things you have to work out for yourself--such as whether or not to tell people beyond your roommates. There's nothing wrong with that or with you.

And if you come out as lesbian and decide you still like men? No biggie--you're bi. No one's identity is written in stone, and there's nothing that says you can't continue to grow and learn about yourself. In fact, it's perfectly healthy to do so. Learning and growing is what brought you to this point.

My advice is just to try to be as honest as you can with yourself about what you want right now.

I know that I'm bursting at the seams to tell people and to start moving forward with my life. I've that point. You haven't--that may mean it's just not time for you yet. No big deal.

--Zoe