In middle school I was solely crazy about girls and never thought about guys. However, once I hit high school, my attraction to guys grew. Here's my situation in a nutshell: - I probably glance at guys more than girls - I would say I watch gay porn 95% of the time - I don't think I'd decline any sexual offer from a guy BUT I solely have a sexual attraction to guys. I would never want to start a family with a guy and grow old with a guy. I definitely would want that with a girl. I also can tell you when I think a girl is attractive and ill sometimes fantasize about them. All in all, I feel more attracted to guys sexually But I feel more attracted to girls emotionally. So that's that, I'm just sort of lost and wanted to know if anyone else was in my situation.
Hello there, I used to be in a similar situation as you about a year ago, and through middle school too. I never thought about being with a guy in middle school, I was very much attracted to the idea of being in love and being with girls. I thought they were so pretty and flirted and loved starting relationships with them, I was girl crazy. But I fell in love with my best friend now that I look back. I gave thinking sexually about him a try. And, well, it fit. I started to watch gay porn, I started to fantasize about being with him, and imagining that if I was a girl I could then be with him. I shoved those thoughts away and kept on giving girls a try. High school was (still is for 2 more weeks) figuring myself out. I remember as a freshman really wanting to rip my hair out. I tried and tried to find a girl to fall in love with. My heart belonged to a boy and there was no changing that. I finally after lots and lost of denial came out the summer of senior year and embraced I was attracted to boys. But when I came out, I was still attracted to girls. This made me question "am I Bi?" I still wanted a relationship with one. I knew it wouldnt work but I wanted to. I turns out, over time the attraction dwindled and now I don't even see how I was ever convinced I wanted to be with a girl. The feelings were so real I thought a had fallen in love with one, but it hard, frustrating, confusing, and fleeting. And the feelings I had for guys lasted longer, flowed with ease, and were clear. I am gay. Now, this is my experience, not yours. You very well could be Bi. This is something you should explore. From what you post though, I think you are gay, but still coming to terms and trying to hold on to being straight. And that is okay. We all work differently. Or you could have genuine attraction to girls slightly. Just one more note, I watch about half and half gay-straight porn, but I am still gay. Porn is not a dead set indicator of sexual attraction. Best Wishes, Jude
Here's what I think. You're gay. But you have powerful defense mechanisms that prevent you from feeling anything like romantic love for men. That's not unusual. I'm in a similar position and I'm about forty years older than you. In psychoanalysis, this is referred to as a split in the ego. It's almost like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. Not that extreme, but you experience aspects of yourself that seem like somebody else. We all experience splits like this in all sorts of ways that we're mostly unaware of. As I see it, your challenge is to overcome the defenses that interfere with your ability to bring your emotional self into synch with your sexual desires.
You could be aromantic homosexual. Or maybe it's internalized homophobia interfering with your romantic feelings.