From a young age, I showed interest in girls. To the extent, I'd make up a "crush" on a random boy, just to put my parent's, strict Christian's, at ease. Everything started at about age 5. As most children did, I'd play house. But unlike my peers, I'd want to be the father. From then, it progressed swiftly, leading to me kissing a girl before age 6. My parents found out about this and decided it was just me being a kid, they didn't take it seriously. After that point, I'd develop feelings for any female friend I became significantly close to. I began dressing more masculine to my mom's disapproval, going as far as cutting off all my hair or even fully shaving my head. At age 16, everything came to head. I had fallen in love with a girl, who was openly a Lesbian. I confronted my parents with my feelings and how I had struggled for so long. Instead of being loving or supportive, they denied that this was "me" and continuously told me I'd be going to hell. I began panicking seeing as I have a form of OCD called Scrupulosity. My OCD is triggered by anything in relation to religion and God. So, I eventually gave up, turned the girl down and since have been attempting to be Straight. I've been in about 10 + relationships with men. All of which have ended badly, aside from my current relationship. I have been with my Fiance for 1 year and I SHOULD be completely happy and satisfied... But, I'm not. There's something so fulfilling to me about the love of a woman. Not physically but emotionally. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting and suppressing my desire. As for my Fiance, I DO love him. I care deeply about him and would never wish to hurt him. I just feel, like there's a missing piece. About a month ago, I opened up to a female friend, Lesbian, about this all. She is well aware of my background and actually suggested that I'm Straight but deterred from men because as a child, I was continuously abused by all of the men in my family. Emotionally and sexually. Aside from that, I witnessed the women of my family be abused by the same men. It was taught to me that this was "normal" in a heterosexual relationship. Thinking back, my sexual abuse started at age 4, right before my behavior began changing. Please, give your input. I'm torn inside and I don't want to live a lie, I don't want to be fooled because of my past abuse either. Thank you all. ♥
Hello Cest La Vie, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. From what you've written, it sounds to me like you're a lesbian. I know that when I look back over my life, I've known my whole life that I'm gay. I was always much more interested in girls than guys. And like you, I would make up crushes on male movie stars just because I knew it was the "right" way to be. I don't know for sure about the abuse part, but my instincts say that abuse doesn't turn someone gay. It can certainly make your relationships with men difficult, you may try to avoid them altogether, but the way you describe how you feel about women, and from such a young age, sounds like you truly like women better. Whatever the case, the way you feel is the way you feel. Period. Nothing wrong with it. But as I, and several others coming out later in life, will tell you is take this chance now to be honest with yourself and with your fiance. Once you get married, things get much more complicated, both emotionally and logistically. It may hurt your fiance to hear it now, but it'll hurt him a lot more after years of marriage. I'm speaking from experience here--I'm 42 and married and having to deal with that fact. And so are many others on this forum. Believe me, you don't want to live a lie your whole life. If you can't or aren't willing to break up completely, then talk to your fiance about your confused feelings and tell him you need a little time to figure things out for yourself. If he truly loves and cares about you, he'll understand. He may or may not stay engaged to you, but he'll support your effort to find out who you really are. --Zoe
