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Is He?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by reallywondering, May 30, 2013.

  1. reallywondering

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    I really hope this sort of question is allowed. I don't know where to turn and I cannot ask family for fear of it tainting their view of my Fiance and not wanting to share his personal desires.
    So my fiance and I have been together coming up on 9 years. I love him very much and he says he loves me but I am really wondering. During the first few years of our relationship I found him looking up transsexual porn and watching it. This broke my heart and I asked him why? He said he didn't know that it was just something he liked. We watch a lot of southpark and there is the episode where Randy is into watching really out there things to get himself off. In the show he says after watching that kind of stuff he cannot get off on normal porn anymore. My fiance said it was the same thing for him. He assured me he is straight and only wanted me. He promised to stop watching it as I was not okay with it and I found out months down the road he was still doing it. I threatened to leave and after some counseling I stayed and he swears he no longer watches it.
    Fast forward a few years and he tells me out of the blue after 8 years together that he likes anal. He had been with 2 women prior to me and I said sorry but I am not into that. For me that is an exit only place. He said no I am into anal. I guess he likes to use plugs and other toys on himself. This was a shock coupled with the transsexual porn and I was just thinking he has to be gay. He says that he is not attracted to men and that it gives him a different kind of orgasm. I read up on it and it seems like a lot of straight men do this sort of thing. At that time I told him I could not help him with this and if that was a deal breaker then he needed to find someone else. He said no he loves me and while he wishes I would join in he understands. A few months after this I agreed to try the strap on. I felt dirty doing it and couldn't look at him the same for quite some time. Maybe I am just really vanilla in the bedroom but I want my man to be man and don't want to feel like I am dominating him. Sorry but its not my thing. I think he kind of resents that I will not help him with this. I do not shame him with this and I know he does it but I refuse to be a part of it.
    Fast forward to last night and I came across a post he made over a year ago. It said that he was straight and in a committed relationship. That he does not find men attractive at all but that he had fantasies about sucking a dick for a long time. It continued to say that he mainly masterbates to the portion of porn during the blow job. He said it turns him on so bad. That he would really like to suck a dick but would never cheat on me. That it is frustrating to want to so something so bad and know that it will never happen. We talked about it and he swears he isn't gay. He says well maybe I am bi-sexual but I don't find men attractive. I cannot help think he is lying to himself. He has mentioned a time or 2 when he was younger he wonder if he was because he liked transsexual porn. I just don't believe him. How can a straight man have these thoughts? It doesn't make sense to me. I feel like he has wasted almost 9 years of my life and we have a child together. I asked if we weren't together would he act on these fantasies. First he said maybe then after I said it sounds like you are lying to yourself and gay he said he wouldn't. He then found a post online that someone said they understand why some straight men would be attracted to a penis. That is always glorified in porns. I don't buy it. I then asked him if he had sucked on his dildos and he said yes a couple of times. Then again I was like your gay and he said no I only did it 2 times. He keeps changing his story to try to keep me.
    I just don't know is he gay? Deep down after all these things I really think he is. If he is I don't have a problem what so ever with homosexuals but I do take issues with them leading straight people on. When we have sex he does very much enjoy pleasing me and is usually the one to bring it up. I am just so confused. Any thoughts or advice would be great. I told him if we are to continue we need to see a therapist. If at those session I am not reassured he isn't I cannot continue. Also it seems to me (and I could be wrong) that most people that identify a bi-sexual usually end up going over to full homosexual. Please help.
     
  2. FemCasanova

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    *hugs*

    I understand that this must be difficult for you, but there are a few points here where you are wrong. Bisexual people don`t all after time just switch into full-fledged gay/lesbian. Bisexuals may not experience as much ridicule and violence as transsexuals often do (though this can be and is debated here), but it does experience invalidation/is disregarded very often, when people push it aside as "someone who simply can`t make up his mind" or like you suggest, "in denial about his sexuality". A bisexual person can fall for and be attracted to both sexes, it is not simply a gay man in denial. Or a woman who won`t accept that she`s a lesbian. It`s LGBT, not LGDT (D for denial). You`ll find a lot of bisexuals often say that they are so tired of being invalidated like that. Is he interested in your body, sexually? Is he interested in you sexually, also vanilla sex?

    That said, sexuality is a complex thing. For example, I can get "in the mood" by watching two men doing it. I`m a lesbian. I have NO interest at all in having sex with a man, no matter how physically good looking he is. It just doesn`t do anything for me. Yet I prefer porn where two men are doing it. It sounds odd, but it`s more interesting to me. I could debate why, but it doesn`t matter, because that`s just a part of my sexuality, an odd little fetish thingy. It shows statistically that straight men, who would not have sex with another man, still can experience arousal when watching gay porn, straight men who do like the anal experience, etc.

    Men have a male G spot, the prostate, which also is a bit like our clitoris, in a place that is accessible anally, or, well, only possible to stimulate anally. When it is stimulated, they can get a different, but highly pleasurable orgasm through anal sex, regardless of their sexual orientation. Whether they are straight or gay, it doesn`t affect whether or not they`ll get sexual pleasure from said prostate. Which is why some men likes to be stimulated through anal sex, even if they`re not gay. Your man obviously can get a really good orgasm through prostate stimulation, which is why he likes anal-play so much. Regarding his fantasies, like I wrote earlier, sexuality can be a complex thing. Some of the things that turn me on, are things I would never want to do in real life. Our minds and our sexual organs are very much connected, and things considered taboo or not something we do, can be really exciting! So, he doesn`t automatically want to physically suck.. you know.. just because it`s a fantasy. He might be aroused by role-playing, where he pretends he`s sucking.. you know.. though. (All these you knows make me feel a bit prudish, lol) People have fantasies about all kinds of things, some of which they wouldn`t want to do in real life.

    I think you simply have to choose whether or not to trust your man. He says he might be bisexual, and he actually might be. It sounds like he is either straight, but with some fantasies that crosses over the gender-line, or bisexual. It does not mean he is gay and in denial! He enjoys anal stimulation, because it gives him great orgasms. It doesn`t mean he has to be gay. He likes anal plugs. Oki, on that one I confess that I never have liked nor been interested in it, but my GF is. It`s a bit of a discussion with us, because she wants us to try, but the thought makes me uncomfortable. I can`t help it, it`s just something I don`t know if I`ll ever want to try. Like you, I feel it`s an exit-hole and I just can`t make my head see it any differently. There`s nothing wrong with you not sharing that particular fetish. There are other things the two of you could try though, that wouldn`t involve anal play. The dildo`s for example, maybe in time, if you manage to trust him when he tells you he`s not interested in men, nor does he want to be with a man, maybe then you can get comfortable enough to indulge in some kind of role-play with him. But there`s a first step with everything and you should of course not step too far over the line of what you find comfortable. I have tried some things, which I was at first unsure of whether I`d be acceptable with, but it then turned out that I was fine with doing it. Other things, I`ve come to the conclusion just isn`t my thing. Our lines can usually be bended a little, with time and experimentation, but we all have those things that simply aren`t for us. I think the first step here is simply accepting that he has those fetishes, and that it doesn`t mean he doesn`t love you or that he prefers men sexually.

    It`s really up to you, whether you believe him or not when he says he doesn`t want to be with anyone else sexually. But continuously telling him "he must be gay" because of various things isn`t going to help the relationship. Enjoying anal sex, really doesn`t mean anything else than that he enjoys to be stimulated anally.

    I hope this helped somewhat.
    :slight_smile:
     
  3. reallywondering

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    Thank you for the response.

    He is interested in me sexually. He very much enjoys pleasuring me and is usually the one to bring it up. I just never expected this is how my life would be. That me and my fiance would be so different sexually to where I find his weird. I know to each their own and what ever floats your boat but it personally creeps me out a little. More than anything I am concerned with the "want to suck a dick" comment. I just cannot wrap my head around that. It just sounds like from what he wrote he is so frustrated and really wants the opportunity. We are planning to see a sex therapist but I just don't know. Hopefully they can help him explore his feelings and sexuality and open me up from having such a black and white view on it.
    I just don't know how it is going to play out yet.
    Thanks again I appreciate it.
     
  4. FemCasanova

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    If he is still very interested in you sexually and even enjoys oral sex/fingering, then "at the worst" he may be bisexual. Most gay men I know of who come out late in life describes the sex as "a chore" or an obligation, a feeling that grew over the years, but the two of you have been together for 9 years now and even have a child together. I find it hard to believe that he could be gay and still be as interested in you sexually, even taking the initiative. But I think it`s great that you`re planning to see a sex therapist! As long as it`s a good one, and not an anti-lgbt, because that could end up being a very uncomfortable experience for your man, one that could discourage him to further counseling.

    I do understand that the comment struck you and made you concerned. Thing with bisexuality, is that both sexes can be equally interesting and arousing, both sets of genitalia can be equally so as well, so for a bisexual without a strong leaning towards either side, a dick and a vagina would be a bit like being fond of both apples and bananas, just two different fruits, but without a strong preference for either. And since he eats apples often, a fantasy about eating bananas might make his mouth water a bit. But it doesn`t mean he can`t eat the apples, nor that he`ll suddenly not like apples anymore. And imagine it being a fruit punch he`s served. You have apples in it, and then the role-playing with a sex-toy can be the artificial banana flavor to make it extra yummy, without actually adding bananas! Wow, that was probably the silliest analogy I have ever written! Sorry about that. Just couldn`t find another way to describe it, lol.

    But yeah, sometimes making a relationship work is about figuring out the sexual part as well, and I do understand that this is confusing for you. I am a BDSM person. My GF wasn`t at all. So, when we started getting to know each other sexually, she found out about my BDSM interest. It was a bit awkward, because although she was open to it, there were some adjustments and negotiations needed. I like vanilla sex too, but every once in a while, adding some BDSM activities gives it an extra spice that I really appreciate. We`ve worked out something that we both can be comfortable with, but she has stretched her limits. Like the simple "smack me in the face". It sounded ridiculous to her, and like you write, weird and different. Because in her mind, it would be hurting me, which she thought of as wrong, and made her feel guilty. So, we had to talk a lot about it. But my point was just to point out an example of how sexual differences can be perceived. In her mind, she was hurting me. In my mind, she was pleasing me. Two completely different ways of viewing and perceiving the same action. Like in your mind, if he`s sucking a dildo, you might feel that means he wants to suck a dick, that he really wants to be with a man and that he`s gay. In his mind, he might simply find it sexually arousing to pretend that he`s sucking a dick, and that he would rather be with you pretending, than being with someone else doing it for real. But all you can do is ask him, and all he can do is answer, hopefully you`ll be able to figure it out together :slight_smile:

    *hug*
    Good luck with the counseling.
     
  5. gravechild

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    First, while you seem convinced of the worst case scenario, nothing you've described of your fiance screams 'gay' to me - there are plenty of straight men with kinky fantasies, more so with regular porn watchers. In fact, it's not uncommon for totally gay or straight men to suddenly start being turned on by clips featuring the opposite or same sex when they normally wouldn't, thanks to extensive porn watching. It's the hormonal rush of pushing boundaries and keeping the hobby interesting for the viewer. We're talking a complete rewiring of the brain, especially with adolescents, leading to serious problems like erectile dysfunction in extreme cases sometimes lasting years.

    He could be bisexual, he could be submissive, he could just have a strange fetish, but if he says he is straight, you have to take him on his word. It would help to drop the judgmental tone, since he's probably just as frustrated and confused as you are right now, needing the support and understanding now more than ever. I suppose a huge step would be figuring out whether this whole transexual/penis interest took root before or after he started with porn. Porn is not the best indicator of sexuality, but in my case, helped open me up to the possibility of being bisexual, something that had been repressed for years.

    Who knows? Maybe you can play dominatrix with him and see where that goes. Therapy would definitely help, but only if both parties are completely open with one another. If I had a strong fantasy and my partner was dead set against it, I know it wouldn't be too encouraging. He's comfortable enough to share with you something so private and taboo, so that should be a clue that he *isn't* completely hiding from you.

    Sorry, this doesn't sound like your typical closeted gay man story, as gay men are usually attracted to... men! Transwomen are still women (with penises), so I'd wager he's still straight (with quirks). If he's still watching porn regularly, perhaps he should give it a rest for a bit.
     
  6. j21b

    j21b Guest

    It took me a long time to admit being bi, like years. It was a lot of wrap my mind around. I felt straight, but I was undoubtedly attracted to guys as well. As I became more secure with my sexuality (which is definitely still ongoing) everything started to make more sense. That might be where he's at? Able to admit part of his attractions to you but not all? I definitely told myself that I was straight but liked the look of guys for a while.

    I agree with the 'apples vs bananas' analogy above, its pretty much spot on.