I have been having a terrible time lately. It's a struggle to get out of bed most days and get on with the day. I've been on the verge of tears most days too. Well it all started when I moved from one country to the next to start my career just over three years ago when I was 23 (I am 26 now). It was going great and then unexpectedly I meet someone. Until this time I had thought I was straight and then I fell in love with a woman. We were together for a few years and we were happy and loved each other but I just couldn't come out to anyone. I still don't think I could ever come out so we ended out relationship about 4 months ago. Along with other issues of feeling lonely and isolated being away from my family I have decided to move back home. I feel a lot of regret ending the relationship but I just don't think I could be out and tell people and be proud and but it is literally killing me inside. I miss her every day and I still love her very much. I am happy about moving home but I just worry I will continue to regret my decision for the rest of my life. My plan is to move home and start school again to move on with my life and start dating a man at some point I guess but I will just be living a lie my whole life. I think I could be happy with a man since I'm thinking I must be bisexual but I think this woman that I have had to give up will always be in my mind and in my heart. I have never felt pain like this before and I am utterly and completely depressed.
Hi Buggy, I have felt this way- I think a lot of people have. Is heartbreak a kind of right-of-passage? I think so. I think it helps you develop your perspective on life and grow in ways even though it is so painful. Right now it is important to take things one day at a time. Try to fill your days with new and positive things. Discover talents you didn't know you had, develop your creativity, journal your feelings, and above ALL try to meet new, interesting people. I found myself often frustrated with how long "getting over" a guy was taking me. I mean, really, a whole year went by and I was still kinda bummed. I think I was hoping it would only take a couple of months, and the recovery itself was so tiring. I am now totally and completely over it by the way. But is the reason you broke up because you couldn't come out? Why did you feel you couldn't come out? My brother is gay and it took my mom a couple days to digest it, but when he introduced us to his boyfriend, she said she was just glad he had found someone. Parents mostly get over that kind of thing I think! Anyway, this is a bit long-winded but your emotional happiness regardless of circumstance is something you clearly need to work on. Find happiness within yourself and then try to work out the circumstances. I am here to listen. Best of luck! - Ellie
Hi Ellie, Your advice was really great. Thank you as I have been feeling absolutely miserable and hopeless lately. We did break up because I couldn't come out. She was really patient for a long time and was waiting for me to be ready but then I never was ready. I am still not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. I think I just need time to figure things out and maybe I will come out and maybe I won't. I may live with this lie forever. I may tell some people and not others. I just don't know. I have had to give up someone I love so much and although right now the pain is so fresh and I miss her and love her so much I think I did the right thing because she is confident in her sexuality and I am still figuring it out and it wouldn't have been fair for either of us to keep going as we were. She wanted get married or be in a civil partnership and have children and start a proper life and I was still figuring out who I am. I still am. She will move on and find someone at her stage or at least willing to be open about it. Which I hate the thought of but I want her to be happy. I hope to get to a place in the future where I am happy.
Hi again, I am still wondering why you don't want to come out. I came out as "queer" because I am not sure how I identify, but then, I have a pretty accepting family. Are you afraid of identifying as something you're not? Do you just feel too young to get that serious with someone? Or is it that you don't want to get that serious with a girl? It sounds like you are pretty certain that a breakup was the right thing, though, and I respect that, but wonder why you are so worried about living a lie? Do you feel pressure to wind up with a man eventually and live the stereotypical life? Do you feel like that would be ingenuine? I was having a hard time accepting myself till I started to read more peoples' stories on EC and realized that the way I feel is normal and validated. Maybe try to make some queer friends to accept yourself a bit more? Either way, since you have already found something precious and amazing with someone, it goes to show you can find it again. You sound like a brave intelligent woman so I think you will be fine. Be kind to yourself! Keep sharing! - Ellie
Hi, About coming out, I just don't want to loose my family. I know any friends I would tell would either be fine or get over it but I am not sure about my family. Also, I know that when a person comes out they never really finish coming out. Every time they meet someone new or go out somewhere where there are strangers it is like coming out again and again. I just don't think I could handle that. I couldn't handle the stares and the awkwardness and the discrimination. I wish I could be a stronger person but I just couldn't do it. I am not afraid of being in a serious relationship with a woman, just everyone knowing about it. That is what I had for 3 years but she is at a very different stage of accepting who she is than I am. Part of me right now wants to just tell everyone and be with her because I love her but then I know I won't do it and I don't think she would take me back anyways because of all we went through. I wish that I could but I can't. So I know that in 2 months I will move back home and push all of this down inside. It depresses me immensely. I feel like my whole life up until I met her was destined to be married to a man and have children and have the traditional family. Which I think a part of me still wants that because then I would have the great relationship with my family etc. I don't know. I guess if I had to identify what I am I would say I am bisexual but then I am not 100% sure. I am sure people reading this are thinking lots of things about me but honestly I am just confused and in pain and heartbroken and I just feel lost and hopeless about it.
Hi again, I am not thinking anything bad about you! In fact I think you sound like a sweetheart: very kind, loving and sensitive. Life is tough, but it is even harder when you are so burdened by others' opinions of you. You can NEVER please everyone! And it is not your job to do what (you think) your parents expect of you! It is okay to be scared and depressed and feel hopeless right now. I totally get that. But I think you are only harming yourself more by "pushing this all down inside." Have you tried getting professional help? Talking to someone about your sexuality might be really useful. I was scared at first that they would try to tell me I am a lesbian and should not be with my boyfriend, but they don't do this. They help you to see paths out that you didn't see for yourself, and help you correct negative and damaging thoughts (it sounds like you are a sufferer of these)- that you totally don't need! Give your friends and family a chance to surprise you. Don't you want them to know who you really are? I would want to know who my daughter had fallen in love with regardless of gender (or anything else). Plus once you truly do start opening up you may find more joy and freedom than you had imagined possible. That's not to say you might not end up marrying a man and living happily ever after! Just give yourself and others a chance to be okay with your true self. You really deserve, and can have, that freedom! Then, you might think about opening up to your ex-girlfriend about your own journey and at least bonding more as friends. Please don't let others limit you!
umm guys i'm not really sure what i am... some days i like guys...some days girls can i please get some help?
Hey Smart Sunny- If you have a question that's separate from the chain, the best thing to do is create a new thread with your question. That's the best way to let people know you have a question and would like help. Try posting your thread under this forum. Buggy--I just want to add my voice to respond to what you said in your first post: My plan is to move home and start school again to move on with my life and start dating a man at some point I guess but I will just be living a lie my whole life. I think I could be happy with a man since I'm thinking I must be bisexual but I think this woman that I have had to give up will always be in my mind and in my heart Please, please, please--no matter how hard this is right now, do not let yourself live a lie your whole life. There are so many of us on this forum, myself in included, in our 30s, 40s, and 50s just now coming out and dealing with our sexuality late in life. Many of us are dealing with spouses and kids--not to mention people who for the past 4 decades thought you were straight. As hard as it now, it will most likely be more difficult when you're older. Many of us lament the years lost--please don't let that happen to you. Do whatever it takes--see a therapist, find someone to talk about, whatever it takes to make you comfortable being who you really are. --Zoe
