For as long as I've known, I've been straight. I mean, I've always pined over cute guys and obsessed over boy celebrities. But lately, I've been considering that I never actually wanted a relationship with any of those boys. I've merely appreciated their beauty, as stupid as that sounds. Just as I have appreciated the beauty of many female celebrities. Anyways, I started dating my first boyfriend about a month ago and have come to the harsh realization that I will never love him as anything more than a friend. Kissing him doesn't bring me joy when I know I should feel joy. The other day he implied that we should have sex and the thought immediately made me uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't ready and to give me time when really the first thing I thought was, "Eww, sex with a boy?" I keep trying to convince myself that maybe it's just him. That maybe I haven't found the right guy. Which maybe is true, maybe I haven't found the right guy. But then again, the thought of having sex with any guy bothers me and doesn't seem "right." And sometimes I think about kissing girls. More like a lot of times. Now I'm being faced with the whole "Am I gay or not?" question and I'm stressed out and physically sick because I feel as if the thought of me being gay is completely ludicrous and there's the whole, "well maybe it's just a phase. just like your fall out boy phase you had when you were 12." And geez, just typing that makes me realize how stupid I'm being. I guess in my mind, I've always known. I've just been putting it on the back-burner, so to say. lol and i can't bring myself to be honest with my boyfriend out of fear that he'll tell our mutual friends and coworkers. Here's a tip: never date a coworker. No good will come out of it. Does it ever truly get better like they say? Or is my whole life going to be a mess like it is now?
Well, you're certainly right about not dating a co-worker. As for the rest, it seems like you have it pretty clearly figured out. But just in case, I'll state the obvious: you're gay. Believe, it comes as a surprise to many of us. We think, "Wha? Me? But, but, but. . . OMG, I'm gay!" That's the hard part. And you're basically past it. Oh, you may go back and forth a bit more, but I think you'll get there pretty soon. And then you'll be glad you did. And here's the good news: being gay turns out to be just fine. Now, maybe you're in some some homophobic town or whatever, which would be a problem. But you don't say that, so I'm guessing that's not a huge concern for you. I recommend you check out some of the posts on the LGBT in Later Life forum. You'll see that there are people who came out in the 30s and 40s and 50s and now look back and wish they had figured it all out earlier.
Thanks so much, I appreciate your input! And I'm glad everything has seemed to turn out fine for you. I figured that the later life forum was for older members only, so I'm glad it's okay that I take a peek in there, lol. As for the homophobic town, I do live in a fairly rural, churchy town in Alabama, so there are some hints of homophobia. But I guess you'll have ignorant people like that everywhere you go. And as I'm in my last year of high school, I've grown to the point where I really don't care what people think. I won't know half of them anyway after I've graduated and more than likely won't even remember then.
I was the same way when I was your age, but I didn't question my sexuality. It never occurred to me that it could be different. (being raised by a mother who sees homosexuality as a sin didn't help) I am glad you are questioning this now and not 10 years later with a kid and a husband. (like me) Take your time with it. Go to the mall and see who appeals to you. Post your questions here. The more you look within yourself, you'll understand yourself. It sounds like you already know, but just need to confirm and get used to it.
Your childhood boy crushes are all too familiar. And I felt the same things with my boyfriends but never really understood why. Be glad that you never went farther than kissing with him and realized it now. I can tell you that I did go farther and it felt very forced. I didn't really get why we were doing the stuff we were doing. I didn't want to but I did anyway. I just thought "well, this is the way it is for everyone." :rolle: It NEVER even occurred to me that I'm gay. I just realized it this week...a little before my 30th birthday. You are lucky to have realized it now! That's a big step! And sometimes a tough one to get through! :eusa_danc And this forum really helps. We are all in this together
That's exactly how I feel about kissing. I keep thinking, "isn't there supposed to be fireworks and butterflies in my stomach? oh well maybe that's just made up and nobody else gets that feeling neither." But I just know somewhere in the back of my mind that there's some other reason for why I don't feel anything special with my boyfriend. and thanks to you too hawaiianflower. I appreciate all and any advice! :icon_bigg
