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I hate myself for it

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Nothing, Jun 1, 2013.

  1. Nothing

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Paris, France
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey,

    So my parents are catholic, they wanted to go to the anti gay marriage and adoption protests in Paris. It makes things even harder. Basically I'm confused, I want to be straight but I find girls really hot. It sounds obvious that I'm not but it's not that easy.

    I just can't accept that maybe I'm not straight and I hate myself so much for it all its rediculos. I just have no idea what to do and I'm so lost and scared about it all
     
  2. EllieAugust

    Regular Member

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    Hi there,

    Sounds rough. It is a particularly hard time in France right now to be confused! I am so disappointed by the reaction of a lot of people to the passage of gay marriage in France. On the other hand, it is progress and many people are celebrating!

    I think this is how discovering your sexuality can go. At first it is a little scary, but then you start to open up about it to yourself and others (I see a few people know what you are thinking). It can be really hard to accept it in yourself but just remember you didn't choose to feel the way you do, and you are not a bad person! I once heard someone describe being gay as "like being born left-handed." It is just a little quirk and once you accept it, it is something that makes you cool and unique! It is at that point that you can celebrate and enjoy your difference.

    If it is possible, try to make some sexually open and maybe queer friends! You will see how cool they are and you will have lots in common. This can be a quirk that lets you earn some new friends and be part of a very fun community.

    I know it's scary, but you have come to the right place... Let me know how things are going!


    - Ellie
     
  3. Stray

    Full Member

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    Firstly and most importantly, God loves you.

    I have lived in religiously conservative areas my whole life; and yeah, people are intolerant and prejudiced, and will use Scripture to justify and rationalize their own prejudices. When I first started having gay dreams and fantasies, I begged God to let me be straight. I didn't want to be stigmatized, ostracized, or live a life that others kept telling me was 'unnatural' and 'an act against nature'. But I eventually came to realize, that that's just it. OTHERS told me it was unnatural, not God. And to those "others", it WOULD be unnatural. However, since I'm gay, it's unnatural for me to be straight, and therein lies my central point.

    We're told that homosexuality is a sin... but what is sin? To me, sin is any thought, word, or action that distances me from God. When I was hating myself, I didn't worship God; I begrudged Him for making me gay. In fact, my despair and depression became so severe, that I took active steps to get the drug heroin. And that's when I stopped and looked at myself; I felt disconnected from God, my family, and my friends. I felt lonlieness and depression to the point that I wanted to abuse substances just to feel some sense of pleasure or happiness. THAT was me living in sin.

    So don't let the carpenter tell you how to fix your car. People who aren't gay, by their very nature, have no authority to judge you, and ESEPECIALLY can't condemn you.

    Know that you are not alone. Strength through faith, Sister.

    (oh, and to the people that'll say "how do you know God isn't testing you?", my favorite response is: "How do you know God isn't testing you? After all, Jesus implemented the New Covenant (aka the Golden Rule). So maybe He's testing society's willingness to accept those whom he made just as wonderfully and fearfully as you.")
     
  4. I was raised to believe that homosexuality is a sin. I've slowly moved past it.

    Read the book What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak

    He talks about the difference between literal and historical interpretations of the Bible. I am only a few chapters in, but it has been such a relief. Even though I was already feeling like being a lesbian was okay, I am glad to see that not all Christians believe it is a sin.

    There is a Kindle edition. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello Nothing,

    Oh--please, please don't hate yourself for this or anything else. This is already so difficult--especially where you are--you need to be kind and loving toward yourself.

    I am not Christian, but I would find it difficult to believe that God would think homosexuality is a sin (and I'm glad Hawaiian Flower recommended that book). If He made you this way, why would He hate you? And homosexuality is not something you choose--look at how many of us struggle to come to terms with it. Why would anyone choose to put themselves through something like this? That would be nuts.

    Yes, being straight would be easier in many ways. But I encourage you to not stop questioning and working to figure out who you are. I repressed/ignored my sexuality until I was 42, and am just now coming out. I have a husband as well, who is not happy with my newfound self. It's so much better to be open and honest with yourself as soon as you start to notice these feelings. It may take you a while to figure things out for yourself, and that's perfectly fine. But please don't sweep everything under the rug--it will come back when you're 28 or 36 or 48 or 65 or 80 or whenever. And I'm guessing you don't want to come to the end of your life only to find out that you've lied to yourself and denied yourself your true path in life.

    Keep coming back and posting--people here have been through it all, and there's someone who can relatie to your situation and offer you support and advice.

    --Zoe