Why doesn't this feel right?

Hi there,

I hear you. And I think it because one end of the spectrum seems more resolute. People have a very hard time coping with uncertainty. I sure do! I have a boyfriend I am totally in love with, but sometimes want to just come out as a lesbian because it seems like "then I won't be in denial." But at the same time- I cannot deny my sexual and romantic feelings for my boyfriend! It feels like a limbo.

Anyway, that is why I identify as "queer" it is kind of like "I don't know where I stand but I am different." That way I am not overly concerned with labels.

Obviously you can take your time and change labels over the years! Totally okay also to identify as a lesbian if that is what you want to do! I have lesbian friends who occasionally date and sleep with men. Thank God for the 21st century! If only we could be more comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity. Life ain't black and white even though that might be easier.... it would be so boring!

I hope this helped a bit. Your post sounds like me a lot actually and I am glad you are on here. Let me know how things go!

- Ellie

 

This isn't a test, you don't flunk if you come out as a lesbian and then date a guy at some point.

I think you might be losing sight of the fact that for most of us sexuality is a continuum. For instance you notice I list lesbian as my ordination, however I CAN be attracted to men on rare occasions. I'm about a Kinsey 4-5 and my attractions to men are of the demi-sexual variety. Still I use lesbian, because women are who I'm almost always attracted to and more importantly because the word Lesbian makes me happy. Labels are short hand and only ever give a rough idea of where people's attractions lie. If you ask a dozen people who id as gay to give an I depth description of how the respond to each gender you'd get a dozen different answers. The same is true of bisexuals, asexuals, lesbians and straight people.

You can't pick a perfectly accurate label, because there isn't one. No one persons sexual orientation is the same as any other persons. Labels are only crude estimations, so go with the label you feel comfortable with and don't worry about not being exactly the text book definition of it because almost no one is.

 

Have you considered different type of attractions? It's possible to have conflicting romantic and sexual orientation.

 

I think what Ellie said is why you feel this way. It's easier to be just one thing, so you can make a game plan for how to deal with that. It's difficult to set out to do something if you can't define where exactly you are going. I know that is why it's difficult for me. Try not to label yourself and to get too caught up with ideas. Even if you are bi, there is nothing wrong with that. Or even if you don't know what you are at all. The only thing I can advise you from personal experience is that, should you start a romantic relationship with someone, be upfront from the start. It's better to have someone walk away before you're involved emotionally than to live with secrets that will eventually catch up with you. Who knows, maybe you will find someone who is okay with you not knowing? Maybe someone who can cope better with uncertainty? As long as you are true to yourself, there is no real reason to be anxious, right? Do you think it would really give you peace of mind to know that you are this one thing? Chances are it will only affect a certain aspect of who your are as a person. People are so much more than a certain sexual orientation...

 

Well,

I understand that. But you don't have to tell anyone anything more than exactly what you want to, right? Because of what I went through recently, I would still advise you to be completely honest with partners, at least when it starts getting serious. I'm not saying you have to say this on first dates, but looking back, I regret not having told my ex-girlfriend about my doubts. Will some people then choose not to continue the relationship? Possibly, but it's better to know this sooner than later. It will hurt less. It's already very good that you're out to a few people (kudos!), so you can vent. I told absolutely noone up til four months ago, and this will eat you up from the inside. I'm not trying to be overly optimistic, but I think guys generally can accept bisexuality from a girl easier than girls from guys. The only way to find out what suits you best is by having relationships. Be careful though. Take precautions for your physical and emotional health. You have all the time in the world. You probably don't want to hear this right now, but you can NOT rush this or speed the process up, which sucks, I'll give you that. I know how you feel: I am a control freak, a twitchy and anxious person. I am now 27 and have no clear answers as far as labels go. I have thought of myself as being gay for a long time before starting relationships with girls, beint sure about being at least bisexual, then doubting this again. Since no one else can give me these answers (and don't ever listen to people who claim to know what you are, as people tend to project their own feeling onto others), there is only one person who can: me. I know this is the last thing you want to hear right now, but try to find things that calm you down. This can go from sports or any form of exercise, to reading, good conversation, certain rituals. Try to love yourself regardless of a label. You are much more than a potential partner for someone. Develop your own personality. Searching obsessively for answers may lead you to make very bad life decisions (I can tell :-(). You could date any number of people and still not know the answer. Being obsessed could lead you to start relationships with girls or guys you don't even like enough in order to prove sth to yourself, which will ultimately confuse you more. Follow your heart. If you break it down, life is just a sequence of choices. Each one of them will have upsides and downsides and will affect you, but you will always be you. And you are a beautiful person, don't worry too much about finding out who you are. Our society puts too much emphasis on it. You already are you and are doing a good job at it. Panic will not help you find answers. If it helps, you can always holler at me when you are feeling panicky. I'll try my best to calm you down. Take care!