Hi. I am a 22 year old woman who is in a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for three years and am very happy. Despite this, I cannot stop thinking about women! I know it shouldn't matter if I am already happy with somebody but I can't get it off of my mind! I have recently started developing feelings towards women. Not towards anyone in particular but I just feel so confused lately with my sexuality. I have always felt that I could easily enjoy sex with a woman but I'd never really felt attracted to women in a relationship way (if that makes sense). However, lately I feel as if I am just as attracted to women as I am men-if not more so! I love my boyfriend and don't want to tell him how I am feeling as I don't want to upset him. Sometimes I wish we could just break up so I could explore my sexuality and know for sure what I want. We live together which makes everything more difficult because it's not like we could just 'take a break', and I don't think I would want that anyway. The one thing I want more in life is a family and I feel this has always prevented me from even considering a relationship with a women. In a selfish way I have always wanted to have my own children and to give them the 'perfect' family upbringing that I never had. I guess this image always included a father figure, however I am beginning to think differently. I wouldn't say I'm gay or straight-right now I feel as if I am just attracted to people, regardless of their gender. However it is women that I can't stop thinking about and not men (maybe because it's something I have never had). I also believe that I would enjoy sex more with a woman, but my concerns are not just for my sexual desire but for relationships too. I am sure I haven't explained myself very well so please ask further questions if you think it will help. I know I probably sound really ungrateful for my lovely boyfriend but I can't help how I feel and I could really do with some advise. Sorry to ramble on!
Well, I know you're trying to spare your boyfriend's feelings, but I think telling him is your best move right now. If he's as great as you've described, he'll understand and help you work through these confusing feelings. Because odds are, they're not gonna go away on their own. I too have always wanted biological children, and I thought that drive alone would be enough to override my attraction to men. But you meet one person, and it changes everything. Based on your 'attraction to people' I'd say that you may be pansexual, but I don't know enough about pansexuality to really be a good judge of that. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. You may want to browse the coming out later in life forum, there's a lot of parallels between you and a lot of the older posters on EC (e.g. in a committed relationship, never been involved with the same gender, etc.)
You don't sound the least selfish or ungrateful. When you say that you're thinking about women, do you mean that you sexually fantasize about women? Just women? Mostly women? How long have you and your boyfriend been together? I don't see anything here that suggests you can't have a family. You're still quite young (check out the Later in Life forum to see what I mean). One major milestone in becoming an adult is letting go of your inner child's ideas about what life will be like. Maybe you're bi (or gay) and need to explore a side of yourself that you have ignored or unconsciously repressed. We avoid painful & upsetting things because we don't want them to be true. But ultimately the truth catches up to us. I don't mean that's a final verdict on your sexuality; it's just something to remember as you sort through all this confusing stuff. Better to deal with it now than find yourself unhappy 10 or 20 years from now because you have wasted time trying to be someone you are not.
Thank you both for your comments . wrhla: I mean lately I can't stop thinking about women! Both sexually and generally. I fantasise about both sexual encounters with women and relationships with women. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. I almost wish I could go back to before we were together so I could experiment more and I fear it's too late now. It's not like he's my only sexual partner or anything (far from it), but I never had these feelings when I was single or with previous partners. I understand what your saying about dealing with it now, I'm just afraid it's too late and I'll never know. I really do love my boyfriend and can see myself with him in the future. We always talk about our future and our family and I think he may propose soon. I don't want to spoil what we have just so I can know if I'm bi or not. Surely if I'm with someone I love it shouldn't matter? It's strange because I majorly lost my sex drive for like 6 months last year and it only started coming back lately, at the same time as I've been having these feelings. I just wish I could pause the amazing relationship I have so I can explore my sexuality. The thing is, even if I am bi (which I'm pretty sure I am atm), I'm pretty sure I still want to be with my boyfriend in the future. That is why I feel selfish, because I'm wishing I could date somebody else for a while.
Well, I'd recommend you read some posts by folks here in their 40s and 50s. I'm nearly 60 and have been married to my wife for 23 years. We've been pretty happy. My sexual orientation has been much of an issue. So it's possible to be bi and married. But you might look at posts by women who felt the way you did--decided to stick it out and get married--and are now divorcing husbands they loved. It's something to seriously consider before you make a decision you could later regret. Good luck.
