So one day I got really high and was surrounded by my friends and it dawned on me. They all have experimented with each other sexually. They knew I realized this and all immediately tried to hit on me and "chill" with me. Now I've known these guys since I was like 10, never even had a clue they did this. When I say all my friends I mean like 8 of my closets guy friends and they were all out in the open about it now that I realized it. I didn't do anything because well i thought it was wrong to do, and it freaked me out that I was the last one per say. So since this incident I have just thought everyone knew i was gay but me. I looked back upon my life and see all these gay characteristics that I never realized,deleting old facebook posts and pics I thought made me seem gay. This obsession of not knowing if I'm gay and never realized it, is kind of destroying my life. Before I tried all the time to hook up with girls, I was basically a man whore. But now if a girl wants to hook up, I'm extremely apprehensive; because I think oh she knows I'm gay and easy and only chose me because of that. I finally decided to experiment, I overheard a friend saying he went on Craiglist when he was younger. So I texted a guy met up and recieved oral just to see if I would enjoy it. Even after this I still am obssesed that people think I'm gay but this experience never even comes to mind of me thinking I'm gay. My brain never brings it up when I feel anxiety about this. I think everyone i meet is gay, and more secure about being gay or bi then I am. Guys or girls doesn't matter. I feel songs I hear now have gay overtones. I just want to go back to the way I was, i have a great girl but being with her, I'm just like she knows I'm gay, I know I am. Why are we together? I truly don't know if that's true or not. I feel like everyone is on a deeper understanding of sexuality then me. Has anyone experienced this? I thought i had hocd however viewing this site makes me think people with hocd or just in a deep denial. So me freaking out about this a denial stage? Am I just extremely paranoid? Has anyone gone through thinking like this at all
Alright, it sounds to me like you're straight (or at least mostly so), but you're paranoid that you're gay. Hooking up with a guy isn't really an accurate test; I'm gay, but getting oral from some random dude off Craigslist isn't appealing to me in the slightest. Do you ever fantasize about having sex with other men? Do you find yourself romantically attracted to men? (i.e. you just like being around them more/ have more of an emotional connection with men) It doesn't seem like you have any grounds to think you're gay. Everyone can analyze their past and make every little detail seem to indicate they're gay, but that's not what being gay is. I think you just need to talk with a close friend about your feelings; and above all, don't stress out about it. That will only feed your anxiety and kill your attraction to either gender (which will, in turn, make you more paranoid/anxious)
