So, I'm not really sure where to put all of this, or if I should do it in separate threads or what. I guess I'll just put it all here :/ Well, hey everyone. So I'm really confused about my sexuality. I want to say that I'm gay, like, without a doubt gay. But I don't really feel attracted to most guys. On the other hand, I'm not attracted to girls at all. But what does really turn me on and appeal to me is being "the girl" in the relationship. Like, it's not easy to put into words, but I guess being more feminine then my partner maybe? On that note, I really hate myself for not even being able to be "feminine". Like, maybe it's just me, but when I try to define feminine, I always think sensitive and vulnerable, which deep down I am, but I can't help but constantly struggle to appear strong and macho. It's ingrained in me, and I can't not do it. And I hate it, sooooooo much. Having to be the toughest guy was literally beaten in to me, and now I can't act how I want to act. On top of all this, I've never been with a guy. I've been stalked and harassed by predators, and that's basically been my only interaction with the gay community in real life. And it sucks. It's hard to believe it gets better and you're not alone, when you're the only gay person you've ever met who isn't trying to force you to give them head or else they'll kick you out of housing. All of this basically got stirred up when my friends (all straight) told me I wasn't gay enough, and gave me tips on how to be more gay. And it's just so fucking hard to let that go. All the stupid stereotypes that I know I don't resemble, plus the fact that I don't act "girly" enough (when I really fucking want to) for them pisses me off. I don't know what I am, but I don't need a bunch of people who have less experience then me (and I have very little), telling me what I am and what I should be and how I should act. But there's this doubt in me, and I can't shake it. Am I really gay? How the hell do I act the way I want to? Is being with a guy romantically the only way to find out? Any advice would be great. I'm sorry for the rant and if I posted this in the wrong place.
Well, there are several overlapping sets of issues here. You prefer the "submissive" role in a gay relationship. Correct? But you're bothered because you're not swishy and effeminate? There nothing unusual about that. That's basically my profile as well—a "straight-acting" bottom. It sounds like your friends might be trying to figure out how to work your sexual orientation into the sort of ritualized male teasing that they are accustomed to. If you don't like it, tell them so. You can do it in a way that won't alienate them and cost you their friendship. Just say that joking about gay stereotypes gets old after awhile and you'd prefer they move onto something else.
