Hey. Not good at intros really, haha, so let's get to it... When I was younger, I assumed I was solely into girls and dated several. Now I'm not so sure about that, it seems like it was just me as a kid going along with what society portrays as right. Once I got to that more independent stage (around pre-teen ish years?) and learning more about sexuality it made me look back to realize that I had had slight crushes on guys in the past as well but probably just brushed it off and never really paid attention to it, likely due to the whole society thing again. For a while after, I felt attracted to girls and guys but as time went on it seemed to slowly change to guys only and now it feels as if I'm not attracted to girls at all beyond regular friendship. It's to the point where it's incredibly awkward to be around guy friends/family who talk about what girl is hot and who everyone would bang and all of that because I end up lying each time; I now just minimalize my input in such conversations. What's confusing is that I do recall having numerous fantasies when I was younger about having been born a girl instead of a guy and just living life that. Again, that seems to have died down quite a bit over the years but the thought occasionally pops up from time to time. The more time passes by though, the more I feel that I'm gay because of since losing that attraction to girls and have just flat out refused to accept it for various reasons, even in my own mind. I've started to feel like those fantasies were just curiosity in the earlier years and me just not wanting to go along with my true feelings because of the huge shame later on. To make matters worse, to go against the whole girl thing...I've never felt feminine really aside from having had more girl friends than guys and feeling more connected with them in thoughts, etc. I don't come off as effeminate either, at least to anybody noticeable or that I've associated with. On the other hand, the thought of being in a gay relationship doesn't sound too appealing either but I obviously know I am 100% attracted to guys. Best guess again is that this has probably just been my own internal homophobia and the fact that I'm having a really tough time accepting that I may in fact just be gay. It terrifies me to think about acting out on it eventually. I know GI and SO are two totally different matters but due to me having been conflicted with both sides, it's really gotten me into a confusion of what I really am, the latter looking to be more likely going by recent years(being gay). Any thoughts?
