This looks like it's a really common issue for bisexual folks, judging by a quick look at the forums, but knowing it's common doesn't make it feel any better! (It also might fit better in another forum, but considering how uncomfortable I am with *being* bi, I'll post it here.) I'm 29, and have spent most of my life being very unsuccessful in dating the opposite gender. In high school, I was an angry perfectionist loner; I had crushes on some boys from a distance but could never get over my shyness enough to act on them. In college, I briefly dated a boy who I liked very much, but drew back when I didn't feel any strong physical attraction to him (I was looking for that butterflies or warm feeling I'd heard about). I then went on to crush on other boys/young men, but, again, had no luck making myself approach them. Then I met another woman, online, in fandom. We hit it off, and when we finally met in person, there were more sparks than I'd had with that one single boyfriend. Thing is, we're long-distance--she's a foreign national (I'm in the U.S.). We see each other every few months, but she wants commitment, and I'm panicking. Leave aside all of the visas and who-lives-where issues, I'm panicking about the idea of spending the rest of my life with another woman. I love her. She's my best friend. But she's also my only very close friend, and I keep eating at my mind, day and night, that I'm with her, romantically and sexually, *just because* I never trusted myself enough to search for a male partner I could trust. I've always thought I wouldn't be 'enough' sexually for a man, that I would be too emotional (I have depression and OCD) and hesitant and high maintenance for any man that I was interested in to want to put up with me. I'm scared to death of getting in a relationship with a man and letting him push me (or pushing myself) into 1950s-style gender roles, or into having kids when I'm not ready/don't want them. I feel like if I commit, I'll shut myself off from something--sex and close intimate connection with a male partner--that I'll always regret never having experienced. And I hate having that feeling. I know 100% that I would never leave her for another woman, no matter how charming or attractive--but I think that I would leave her for a charming, attractive man. I feel like a bad bisexual woman cliche.
Why does your account profile gender say male? If you're not ready for commitment then be honest about it. It takes the right time, the right place, and the right person for a truly committed relationship to last. If you are still thinking about relationships with other people, regardless of their sex, then maybe you're not ready. There's nothing wrong with that.
Heh, oops! It says it because I must have not noticed I could change it. That's about what I think, myself, but I would *like* to be able to commit--and to want to. I don't like the feeling of being torn, and of wanting other experiences that may only be anxiety fantasies that I wouldn't necessarily pursue. It's a case of not valuing my only feelings, and of not having a strong baseline from other experiences for judging them.
Yeah! I have this problem- but I am committed to a man I love. Maybe I just wasn't courageous enough to seek out a woman I could be way happier with???? I think everyone faces this conundrum regardless of sexuality but identifying as bisexual sure doesn't make it easier! You do sound, though, as Dhamma said, like you just aren't ready for any big commitment to anyone yet! If your partner is really also your best friend, she will be hurt but will understand that you want to wait, and maybe try something else for a time. Best of luck! -- Ellie
@Ellie, I don't know if it's about bravery. There are all sorts of reasons to stay with people, and I think they can all seem brave or cowardly, depending on how you look at them! Glad to hear you have someone you love, though Being bisexual frustrates me because I think I use it as an easy, disingenuous excuse sometimes! You know, "Oh, I might want to be with a man," instead of the less-forgivable-seeming "Oh, I might want to be with someone else, period." And you're right about her understanding. I think she does. It makes me feel horrible that she does, because she wants commitment and I want to make her happy and not hurt her. So even accepting she's okay with being hurt is hard. Sometimes I feel like life was easier back when I thought I was straight, but I think a lot of the things I'm feeling could happen with any gender partner. Learning through life experience is hard! I'm learning that I'm not the person I thought I was or would be as a kid; I feel ashamed sometimes I didn't get to the learning earlier so I could handle it better now. No way to change that, though!
