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Also Questioning - Any Advice?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by hilltophouse, Jun 5, 2013.

  1. hilltophouse

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So. After reading a few of the stories on here I already feel much better about my confusion in general. I’m glad that feeling that I don’t even know what I feel doesn’t mean I have some sort of personality disorder (worry about which is another source of anxiety in itself). My story is basically that until recently (I’m 21) I’ve always been very attracted to boys. I also always had thoughts about girls, and wanted to explore it, but didn’t seriously consider being gay or even bisexual. I was very comfortable with the idea that sexuality is a spectrum and sometimes I just fancy girls. The only time this wasn’t the case was one night I can remember when I was at school. I remember not being able to sleep because I was scared I was gay, and really didn’t want to be. This might not be as telling as it sounds. I tend to convince myself of all kinds of crap, then realize it’s not true when I wake up in the morning.

    During the last year this has somehow changed. I graduated from college and went somewhere where I didn’t really know anyone. Something kind of shifted in me. I more or less completely lost my sex-drive. Guys who approached me tended to just creep me out, or annoy me. One thing to say here, which is going to make me sound like a real asshole, is that a lot of guys try to get with me. This is probably true for most girls, but it’s started to bother me. I didn’t always get attention, but since going to college I’ve just been overwhelmed with it. I’m not sure what it is exactly that bothers me either. I find it difficult to develop feelings for men who make things so easy for me. Especially because it was attention I never used to expect. Another thing that happened is that I started reading men’s rights movement and pua websites. They really got to me. I started kind of obsessively hate reading them. That definitely had some kind of effect on me but it’s difficult to put my finger on what exactly that was. One definite conclusion I think I must have reached though was that being a lesbian must feel really empowering, and would somehow absolve me from being so caught up with whether or not men are attracted to me.

    Once my sex drive for guys went away I started thinking a lot more about girls. I had a few experiences with girls, which I enjoyed, but it never felt quite the same as with guys. I’m not sure if “not the same” here means worse or just different. Then recently, I hooked up with a girl, which went further than I ever had previously. I think I enjoyed it, but I ended up being too caught up in what this meant to really relax. Part of me was scared that I don’t really like girls, and that I’m being a phony while I whole other part of me is scared that I really do like girls but don’t want to!

    I always thought that girls made me feel really masculine (another weird issue of mine) and I’ve always enjoyed being the submissive partner. The girl I recently hooked up with really didn’t make me feel like that, which is why I think I enjoyed it so much. I definitely do look at girls, and imagine getting with them. This could just be bicurious fantasizing though, especially since I’ve been thinking about this so much lately.
    I’ve done some really ridiculous tests (looking at pictures of pussy vs pictures of dicks – both kind of turn me on). I used to be able to imagine a relationship with a girl, but now I don’t know if I can. That might partly be my fear of being gay though. It sounds awful to say, but that really wasn’t part of my life plan.

    Anyway. I’m confused. I always knew what I was doing with guys and now suddenly I don’t know what I’m doing with anyone!

    TL;DR: I used to think I was straight, now I'm not sure if I just have an issue with guys or am really attracted to girls.
     
  2. EllieAugust

    Regular Member

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    Hey,

    I feel you here. I don't think there is anything I can do to help you though, since you sound like you are doing all the right things except just Relaxing about it!

    You aren't alone and it is perfectly normal and valid not to know where you stand. Don't put too much pressure on Deciding or Taking any Tests.

    You could very well just have a Fluid sexuality, which is like bisexual but leaning towards one or the other at different times. Or you might just really want to like someone before hopping into bed with them- which is also totally okay.

    Just take a breather and know you are totally normal and doing a fine job!

    Cheers- Ellie