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Can't handle the D, not sure where it leaves me sexually..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MightNeedThis, Jun 5, 2013.

  1. MightNeedThis

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    Hello EC Community!

    I've been staring at my laptop for hours, trying to figure out how to say this since i've never really discussed this with anyone other than my closest friend.

    I'm not going to beat around the bush. I have some weird girl version of penile anxiety.

    This all started last week, I was hooking up with a guy [was being safe, don't worry] for a while, and regardless of the fact that we had been messing around for a few hours, as soon as he dropped a hint towards me doing anything involving his dick I froze. And it's not just with him, I was with my last boyfriend for two years, I'd known him for much longer than that, and I couldn't get the guts to do more than use my hands for a few minutes at a time. I'd get bored quickly, and id' start to lose interest in whatever it was we were doing.

    I like to think it's insecurity that makes me so hesitant to do anything physical with a guy, and that I'm just petrified to overcome it, but when I was with that man last week, he asked me if I might be gay. From the time I was 12 until I was 18 I can honestly say I struggled with that question. Eventually, I gave up. I'd never been able to find a girl I wanted to date, so I assumed I must be straight.

    This has me questioning again, and I am more lost than ever. I don't know if I should star trying to face my fears, or maybe if he was right, and maybe it stems partially from me maybe being more attracted towards women. I've always enjoyed checking out women, maybe even a bit more than men. I'm terribly lost and confused, and I don't even know where to start to find myself, and you guys seemed like the only place to go to.

    So, please, any pointers on how and where to even start? Am I over thinking? Easily influenced? Or just confused?
     
  2. Rakkaus

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    Well being afraid of penises might not necessarily mean you are gay...do you have any idea where this fear might have stemmed from? Have you always felt this way, or did something trigger that fear?

    Everyone has their own preferences about what parts of the body they find attractive...some straight girls and gay guys might find penises attractive, while others might not really like them despite being attracted to males (I'm def in the former category tho :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    But if you really enjoy checking out women, then it seems there are multiple pieces of evidence to suggest you might be lesbian or at least bisexual.

    Just try to think everything over in as neutral a way as possible, don't try to bias your mind one way or the other, if you do you'll always end up convincing yourself one or the other is true even if it isn't.
     
  3. MightNeedThis

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    Thanks for you input, it's definitely helpful :slight_smile:

    Though, I guess I'm having trouble being neutral, which is exactly why I came here. I'm not sure if I'm being biased or not at all.

    EDIT: Oh, and to answer the question about where the fear/nerves stemmed from, maybe because my first boyfriend told my friends how i sucked at, well, sucking? definitely made me more nervous to ever go near one again. But I was nervous even before then, but I may have just always chalked it up to young/first time nerves.
     
    #3 MightNeedThis, Jun 5, 2013
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  4. pinklov3ly

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    I have been with men in the past and sex was always uncomfortable. But I tried to enjoy it during my questioning phase, so I wouldn't seem biased. However, I do not care for penetration, but that isn't the reason why I identify as a lesbian. There are plenty of women who are gay that do enjoy penetration. Perhaps, you were uncomfortable due to you being with a new partner. I've always been a bit hesitant when having sex with someone new, so I'm sure it's normal.

    I'm curious, have you ever found yourself thinking about women during sex with your ex? And you could very well be bisexual and or gay; labels are not important at the moment IMO. Just relax and take your time to sort things out.
     
  5. MightNeedThis

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    I've never actually had sex, I've only gotten sexual with guys. But honestly, most of the time when I get physical with a guy I just kind of leave in my head, if that makes sense. There was only one guy who I can remember being consciously there the whole time, but that whole thing is a different bag of worms. I'm glad to hear my hesitance is normal, though. Sometimes I feel like I might hesitate too much and that something is wrong with me.

    and as far as imagining being with a woman, it's never really happened, though that might just be because i'm half in the moment, and half planning the rest of my day/night.

    Thank you, though. I'm trying to relax, but I'm a little bit of a manic-type personality. at least on the inside :slight_smile: I just feel like I've been trying to figure it out since I was 12, then I gave up, and now it's all on and more confusing than ever and I'm just getting overwhelmed.
     
    #5 MightNeedThis, Jun 5, 2013
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  6. pinklov3ly

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    I get what you're saying; being intimate has always been an issue for me. I can't really concentrate on the person without thinking about other issues. Which, in returns makes the sex not so great, but it's my fault. I'm manic as well, so believe me, I get it.

    It's not such a bad thing to hesitant during any type of sexual act. Maybe that hesitation is due to a lack of attraction or maybe you're not ready to engage in sexual activities. I'd have to admit that I've been intimate in the past for all the wrong reasons. So, now, I'm kinda trying to sort out why I do what I do. I haven't found an answer yet, so I've sworn off sexual activities until I'm with someone I truly love.
     
    #6 pinklov3ly, Jun 5, 2013
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  7. MightNeedThis

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    Glad someone gets it, makes me feel a little less crazy :slight_smile:

    See, normally when I'm physical with someone i've been in a relationship with them. this guy is the first i've ever been physical with and just had it be that. even when i'm very into the person i'm being physical with i'm nervous, i'm hesitant, and most of the time i'm only half there. but maybe i'm not as attracted to these people as I think I am, it's a very distinct possibility...
     
  8. Ettina

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    Do you think you might be asexual? Or maybe some form of grey-asexual?

    I'm wondering because you don't sound very interested in sex with either gender. Though I could have misread it, of course.
     
  9. MightNeedThis

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    Would you mind explaining what each of those things mean for me? I've never heard of the second term, and am only vaguely familiar with asexual.