Well it turns out...(My Story)

If somebody had told me I was gay just a week ago, I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. Heck, it could've been three days ago. And yet here I am, admitting to myself for the first time that I am, without a doubt, one hundred percent, bone-fide gay.

I can't really describe just what sort of emotional and mental shock that puts a person in. Literally over night (a long sleepless night) I realized that I had believed myself to be genuinely straight for 21 years. 21 years and suddenly, it just hits you like a ton of bricks.

And the thing is, I wasn't in denial. I wasn't homophobic. If you've read my previous two posts here on EC then you know that I actually Wanted to be gay. I wanted to be bisexual. There is just about nothing in the world that can prepare you to realize that you were exclusively gay from birth and that living in a predominantly heterosexual world, you can be convinced otherwise.

The craziest part is re-looking at my entire life. Scrutinizing every person, event, and detail through a completely different lens and realizing that Everything lines up. I could literally not find a single shred of proof anywhere to believe or convince myself that I was straight.

The last few days (since my last post) went something like this. One night I asked myself the question (still thinking myself somewhat bi but mostly straight), "who would I rather be with sexually?" After some thinking, I realized it was actually a guy. I could never get the same amount of satisfaction from a female even though I thought at the time that they were more emotionally and sexually attractive. That one got me thinking.

The second thing was accepting that I was femme. I wasn't flamboyant, just feminine. All these years I had been doing things. Sitting certain ways, always choosing the female character in video games, thinking of myself as cute and sexy. I had watched straight porn for almost half a decade and just realized that I was either watching the guy or wanting to be the girl. And I could go on. I identified and aligned myself with gays that I met. Like I felt some sort of kinship though I didn't think I was gay. I was secretly crossing my fingers that gay legislation would pass. Just all this stuff. And I didn't for a split second ever think that I was, in fact, gay.

And then there was a third thing. I saw this video, BlogPost - 'My Princess Boy': The anti-bullying book and the boy who inspired it . Those pictures of the kid in skirts and dresses. Like, my heart sank when I saw that. That is the only way I can describe it. This just, ball, of energy in my abdomen. It just hit so hard. That was me, at that age, to a 't'.

But it was a phase I had "grown out" of, right? I turned seven or so and all that girly behavior completely disappeared. I had crushes on girls since kindergarten. I can vividly remember all my brothers teasing me about it. And I can still remember the girl's name, Mercedes.

At this point I was watching myself get flung across the Kinsey Scale. I had started out at 0, moved to a 2 and then was now at a 4. At least I thought I was. I was still straight though, right? I just fell head over heals for a girl just yesterday. That's not possible if I'm gay.

The next day came and as one could expect, my mind was buzzing for every second I was awake. There was nothing else I could think about and still can't think about, but this. The very last realization came just as suddenly. Vagina was gross. I'd heard that somewhere before. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. Then I thought about it.

And once again, my mind was blown by just how much a person can think a certain way when literally everything else in the world is pointing in the opposite direction. I just sorta assumed that all guys thought it looked like shredded meat. They just closed their eyes and went in and enjoyed it. "I just need to experience it, then it won't seem so bad." Cunnilingus wasn't even close to being considered.

I started thinking about my sexual attraction to women in general. What turned me on? And that's when I realized the answer was "nothing". Besides breasts, guys have better butts, bodies. There's penis! What more could you ask for? And to top it off, I couldn't even look at women the same way. They were suddenly just potential friends. Not a bit of emotional or sexual stimuli.

You'd think I was sure by then. But, nope. I was still doubting my sexuality. The mind is incredible. But over the course of the day as I racked my brain for anything and everything, the conclusion just sank in further and further until I am sitting here writing most of it down. I could fill up ten pages but I'll spare you.

My reaction at first was pure unadulterated joy. I can't describe how good it felt. Like everything just fell right into place. Everything made sense. And as cliche as it sounds, all the things I have been feeling for the past 21 years suddenly has a context. I could not be happier to know and understand that I am truly gay. There's not a shred of uncertainty. I feel complete. Again cliche, but I couldn't say it better any other way. I feel like for the first time, that I finally know all of myself.

There were other emotions too. I can't pretend it was all perfect. I felt like I had just lost something big. Even though I never really had it. All those beautiful girls I had fallen for. I would never be able love them. A normal family and kids? My genes will probably never get passed on. My dating options? Just decreased significantly. Homophobic parents. Homophobic grandparents. Where to end?

But life goes on and I couldn't stop asking "Who and when do I tell?!". "How do I break it to my family?!" And probably one of the more important questions, "How do I spread awareness?". If it were possible, I would wish that everyone at some point in their lives would question their sexuality even if only to find that nothing has changed. I can honestly say there is no better way to realize that sexual orientation is not changeable.

A few months ago if you'd asked me what to do with gay people, I would have said "Let them be. Its their lives. If they choose to do that then they have every right. Even the fundamentalists should understand that if gays are 'sinners', then Christians have an obligation to love them, support them and help them be 'better'. Yet all they do is condemn."

But now that this is mostly over (or just beginning), I can say in full certainty that gay is not a choice, which is stupidly obvious. Its just innate as the color of our eyes, our height, or the tint of our skin. No one wakes up and tries to change their race. So why should we think it is any different with sexuality?

Anyhow, I hope this means something to someone. If you are questioning, I hope you find peace. For some of us, there is a bit of extra work involved but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it has been one of the most exciting and fulfilling journeys I have ever taken (or have just begun). Good luck to you all!

Thanks for reading.

BiMystic

 

Wow! Thank you so much! Seeing someone relate to this means more than I can put into words. I have since come out to my brother and, I agree, the feeling is just unbelievable. I've never felt so nervous/happy/excited and...just finally comfortable with myself. Its so nice to hear others finding the same thing.

Thank you all for the wonderful replies so far!