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Are there any REAL bisexuals out there that go through this?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SeanF615, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. SeanF615

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    So I started questioning my sophomore year of college. I was straight my whole life, genuinely. I could get off from pictures, thoughts, everything of women. But now I fantasize about men too. The weird thing is, the gender of person in my fantasy and the power dynamics are changing ALL THE TIME. Let me give an example, in one day ill get off to the thought of me dominating a girl. Then a guy dominating me. Then a girl dominating me. Then me dominating another guy.

    I also go through periods of like weeks or days were i say to myself "I'm definitely gay" and another week ill say "how on earth did i ever think I was gay, I'm straight as an arrow."
    And I'm not lying to myself, during these periods ill genuinely have no attraction to one gender or the other.

    I've hooked up with both men and women. I think I like girls a tad bit more because it was a struggle to stay hard with the guy and I didn't really find him attractive.

    I know I shouldn't focus on sex so much, but rather what I want out of a loving relationship with another person. But it's like a catch 22, for me to be able to be open with another person i have to be able to give them all of myself, but since I'm not sure of my sexuality i don't know what I have to give. It's just like, NOTHING is constant. I wouldn't care if i turned out batting for either side as long as I could have the closure of knowing who is right for me.

    So are there any now identifying bisexuals who went through this? People say bisexuals for exist and are only confused, so now I'm confused.
     
  2. MerBear

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    Just a tip for you. haha....People say a lot of things but it doesn't make it true.

    I'm not bisexual or male for that matter but i'm sure, you'll get good advice here :slight_smile:
     
  3. gravechild

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    Would you say you've been aware of your male attractions for a short period of time, or longer? Because it sounds like this is all new to you, making me wonder if it's just a byproduct of someone transitioning from a heterosexual identity to something else. The catch is that fantasies, like pornography preferences, don't always point towards attraction, and you'll hear of straight men having gay fantasies occasionally, for example.

    Attraction is more than that, it's getting that 'tingly' feeling inside... could be sexual, could be emotional, but for me, it's usually a bit of both. The fact that you've said 'I'm gay' really makes me wonder if there's not something else going on, perhaps denial and confusion? You cay you *could* get off, well, did you want to or prefer to get off to women? I'm of the persuasion that most heterosexuals and homosexuals can get off to someone of the opposite orientation in the right circumstances.

    There isn't enough information in your post for me to give you an accurate answer, and from what you've typed, it sounds like you're a bit frustrated yourself. Give it time, be honest with yourself, and explore that side of yourself - if you are bisexual, you'll learn to differentiate and accept your dual attractions, and it will seem natural.

    What is your appeal to men and women? It sounds like you have ideas of submission and domination mixed in there, so perhaps these fantasies are simply forms of other preferences? For me, there's definitely an appeal to the stereotypical 'rough' and 'edgier' of the two sexes, and aside from tomboyish women, most women don't provide that for me.
     
  4. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    I don't really identify as bisexual, but I'm also not straight or gay*. I go through periods where I'm almost exclusively interested in one gender or another. Then I'll usually stop feeling interested in anyone for a while before I start finding another gender attractive, again almost exclusively. I've definitely thought to myself, "yup, definitely gay," only to have that followed up a few days later with, "nope, must be straight." Thankfully my romantic orientation doesn't swing as wildly as my sexual orientation, though it is troublesome to be romantically interested in women only and sexually interested in men only, which happens sometimes.

    Edit: *By gay I mean "attracted to women" because, when I have to choose which of the two binary genders I associate most, I usually go with woman.
     
    #4 Tetraquark, Jun 8, 2013
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  5. gravechild

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    Wait a second... aren't you that guy who feels inadequate with women and watches porn? I'm telling you that isn't any way to determine sexual orientation... if it's just in fantasies and while watching videos that gay men get you off, it's probably not a genuine attraction = you're not gay.

    It's been proven that pornography has the power to rearrange arousal patterns so someone who wouldn't normally be into, say, rape, would suddenly find themselves excited when watching a reenactment in porn. You said you started early on, and if this means teens, it's possible you're suffering long-term effects, including ED.

    Lay off the porn, seriously, and if it helps ease your mind, find a good therapist. You have issues, but I don't think being gay has anything to do with them; disregard my previous post.
     
  6. biggayguy

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    I don't believe you feelings are unusual. I've chosen pansexual as my orientation because my attractions are somewhat fluid. I mean that they are both always present but one is usually stronger than the other. I also find some transgendered people attractive...but that's just me.
     
  7. SeanF615

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    Thanks for all the replies guys, it's nice to know this happens to other people too. And gravechild, what you said does make sense. I never felt attracted to guys my whole life until the porn use escalated to gay, now I'm not sure if Im attracted to guys or if I'm feeling anxiety around them because I'll think "what if I'm gay and this guy is attracted to me."

    But you're right porn is not good, when I go through a period where I don't watch it, I do notice my attraction to women increases. Like my girlfriend will sext me or send me pictures and ill be extremely turned on. I've never gotten off or been aroused by just a picture of a guy

    I'd be all for getting help though if it wasn't so pricy.
     
  8. Argentwing

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    OP sounds very convincing to me. That's exactly how I am, but as I've been aware of myself for a few years, the "swinging" has stabilized somewhat. So that sort of "laser straight one day and flaming gay the next" sounds very normal.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    It's not unusual, OP. There are real bisexuals. The different genders seem to supply different sexual, and even emotional, needs. That's why there's a Kinsey scale, which is fluid to some degree. I'm glad to see people mention it. It has been criticized for how Kinsey's studies were carried out, but the concept is definitely on point. Sure, if your sexual desires vacillate, it will cause you some confusion, or it can. It did, and has, for me. The other thing is that a college environment, especially if it's a mainstream one, makes it harder for guys to identify as bisexual, whereas it's cool for women to do that, and they still continue to have guys seek them out. A "while" back, neither men nor women identifying as bisexual in college would have flown. I think that women, and men, would have just hooked up discreetly and "mums the word." Things have changed rapidly.
     
  10. tigerlily

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    Yeah, I think this is definitely normal, at least for me. Since both men and women can have quite different qualities, it is not unusual for who you're attracted to to change. Like RSwordsman said, if you are bisexual then it will probably stabilise; for me it's usually girls one month and guys the next, although sometimes there will be months where I don't prefer either, or a longer period of time in which I prefer one, usually girls. So I don't think it's unusual for you to be attracted to women one second and men the next, especially if you've only started questioning quite recently.

    However, if you say that when you don't watch porn your attraction to women increases (and if this means that your attraction to men decreases too) then this might mean your attraction to guys is increased by porn. Or that might not be the case. Since you also say you can be aroused by pictures of girls but not guys, maybe this means you're just more attracted to girls but you still have the capacity to be attracted to guys. Your attraction to both doesn't have to be equal - if you are mostly attracted to girls but you think that if you met a guy you really liked then you would pursue it and be able to be in a relationship with him, then this is probably enough to define yourself as bisexual - but only if you want to and you feel it's right.