Turning 20 and discovering myself

First and foremost, I am writing this because I need a place where I can finally put down my thoughts in a somewhat cohesive manner. I am also looking for advice if anyone can provide it, maybe people who went through something similar or know of what happened to a person who was in my situation.

So I guess I can start off with the fact that I know I’m not straight, otherwise I guess I wouldn’t be here. I’ve never been attracted to girls, and trust me, over the months that I’ve been questioning I have tried, only because I want to be really sure. I have this odd habit of having to justify everything I do…I guess that’s why I am writing this right now.
I guess you can say that when it comes to this stuff, I am a very oblivious person. I guess I always thought that I would just develop an attraction to girls because that’s what was supposed to happen. Well, I’m almost 20 now, and that hasn’t happened in the slightest; I guess seeing my friends and especially my younger brother get into relationships with girls made me start to think again.

For as long as I can remember, I have been sexually aroused by forms of bondage, like restriction of movement etc…a fetish. So, throughout my teenage years, that’s how I would get my release, because it was the way that I knew worked. I never had sexual fantasies until rather recently, which I will explain further down; all my fantasies involved just myself and no other person.

Because of this, I didn’t understand what it meant to be “attracted” to someone. To some extent it’s still hazy, but I have a much better idea now than before. I didn’t understand why all my friends were attracted to girls and why I wasn’t, but at the time I didn’t care. I actually saw it as an accomplishment, like a symbol of independence or something.

Anyways, well, I didn’t understand what other orientations were until I left home at around 16. Before then, yes, I did know that for example gay meant that you liked guys, but I didn’t know what that really meant and so I shrugged it off because in my mind at the time, even these gay people would eventually find a girl because that’s what you were supposed to do.

That’s why I decided to start dating one of my friends. I thought it was just something you do because that’s what you were supposed to do, and it was during this relationship with her that I figured out that she felt something for me that I didn’t feel for her. She was an incredibly nice girl, but the thing is, I didn’t feel like it was just her and me so to speak. Even during the relationship, I thought we were just friends going through some ritual that would eventually bring us closer together. Well, eventually she asked me if I had the same feelings for her as she did with me, and I had to tell her no, and we broke up. I just felt so bad for being so oblivious…I liked this girl, but I thought that liking someone was just like one likes a friend…I discovered that that was not the case.

Moving on, I would see sex displayed in movies and the like, and I didn’t understand what was so special about it. I didn’t know what the point of it was or why some people were just so drawn to do it.

But even before this, every time I engaged in my fetish, afterwards I felt incredibly disgusted and embarrassed and immediately went on with my daily life trying to forget about it. One time I became so disappointed with it that I just stopped entirely for a few months. That’s how much I hated it.

This is where I began understanding things, but at the same time I couldn’t and still can’t tell what my actual feelings are.

Keep in mind that I didn’t know what it meant to find someone “attractive,” “cute,” “hot,” etc…this sounds really lols as I write this.

Throughout my life, I’ve been fascinated with good-looking guys. With some guys, I remember double-glancing and just thinking, “Wow, he is so good-looking,” but again I attributed this to aesthetic appreciation. The thing is, I never did this with girls. With guys, I would never stare because I was taught that it was weird and rude, but I always wanted to look. Sometimes I would go on the Internet to just admire these guys that I would see in movies or whatever. But still to this day, I see it as an aesthetic appreciation because I don’t know if it is really an attraction. Why? Because my friends would talk about how with attraction, it’s something where you see a girl and think “Man, I just want to have sex with her,” or at least see her naked. Even switching the hers and hims, I didn’t feel this. I read a lot of people’s stories and how they were aroused by sometimes even the sight of attractive guys or girls, but in my case that has never happened.

But anyways, back to story. I had quit the fetish for a few months and I was talking in a chat room with a few people and the conversation switched to sexuality. This guy was talking about role-play, and I didn’t know what that was, so I asked. The idea interested me (it also seemed to interest him as well).

It had crossed my mind occasionally that I may be gay since maybe 17 or so, but this time this question arose much stronger than before.

So, we decided to do this role-play thing just for fun. Treating it like any other thing, I decided to prepare by reading an example online.

This is where I got really confused….I found it really arousing.

Then I actually did the role-play with my friend…I found that really arousing as well, to the point where I had this eureka moment like, “So that’s what it feels like…” All the sudden, I could finally relate to what people felt in the movies and what people would talk about doing with girls and the like (although this was with a guy).

I felt surprised, confused….I started experimenting.

I would look at pictures of two guys cuddling and that would be arousing. When my friend would flirt with me, I would get turned on. But then (this was all happening in March of this year), I started to get uneasy because I was wary that if I started engaging in this stuff, I would lose that independence that I had. Looking back I would say I had a crush (something I really didn’t understand until recently, although now that I do, I know I’ve had them before). So, I just told him I needed to stop talking to him.
A couple weeks passed by and I realized that what I really wanted was to talk to him. He felt the same way, and I felt so bad for just leaving and then worse when he was patient with me.

So I began reading stories about people discovering themselves when they were older, but the thing is, every time I read about a younger person discovering that they are gay, it just makes me feel like I can’t use that term because I would read about younger people being aroused much more intensely than I (for example, just from being with a guy they liked or seeing him; getting off to him) or for it just being obvious. I mean, to this day I still don’t feel like a desire to be with simply a good-looking guy…even though I described the feelings above when I fantasize about being with a guy. It's like a not-belonging sort of feeling, and I just can't get it out of my head.

I am very wary of using labels to describe myself, and I know I don’t have to, but this is just one thing where it would make it easier for myself if I knew exactly what I was (or at least see other people’s opinions), that way I can hopefully put these questioning thoughts to rest. There are a lot of things that I just don’t understand, both about myself and other people.

I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts regarding this, or if anyone has felt the same way or has gone through something like this. Thanks for reading that wall of text.

 

Thanks for the response.

Let me see....how I feel romantically and sexually about girls and boys...

Romantically, I've never felt anything for girls. I have felt what I would call romantic attraction with a few guys...wanting to be with them, cuddle, lie my head on their shoulder...do other fun things in bed.

Sexually, well, this is where I'm confused. Again nothing for girls, but with guys, it was only with the guys above. Thing is, reading erotica with two guys really turns me on, and if I am fantasizing, I can just imagine doing things with any guy (I tried with girls but I just end up switching to guy in the fantasy), but again, I have not seen anyone and just by first impression imagine or desire sex with them.

Hope that helps.

 

I'll also add one more thing that I am confused about, an example of which I had yesterday.

I have this friend of mine, and he sometimes acts...touchy. Like, he's just a friend, but he sometimes rests his head on me, winks at me, puts his hand on me. But the thing is, I have this urge when he does things like that to I guess...well, if he hugs me I'd like to hug him back and when he touches me like that, I just feel this strange urge to touch him back. I know it sounds weird but that's the best way I can describe it.

So yesterday, he decided to get close to me and put his hand in my pocket...and I got this "feeling;" I liked it and I wanted him to leave it there, but I pulled it out because I was around other people. I had that urge coupled with a feeling in my stomach.

But the thing is, like I said before, I don't find him "attractive" based on first looks like I've read so many people feel. I don't feel that sort of attraction with anyone.

I guess I'm writing this here because I'm trying to find an objective opinion.

 

It’s been a difficult few weeks, but it has been so worth it.

I’ve done so much research, read so many stories, even read scientific articles…one could say that it’s been obsessive. Over these few weeks, I’ve tried to be completely honest with myself, not sugar-coating anything or forcing aspects about myself or my past to “fit” in any box. Self-discovery has been quite the adventure…

The biggest realization is that now I know that I do experience sexual attraction…it’s just, for the longest time, I kept telling myself that I didn’t, or that it wasn’t real due to a very convincing denial system. I guess I can get more into this below.

But a couple weeks ago, I finally came to a conclusion as to why I was the way I am and why I discovered it now, and for the first time, everything just made perfect sense, and I finally felt at ease about my sexuality. I have accepted that I am gay…even writing those words is just weird because I feel that I can’t be, but once again, that’ll be explained down below.

It feels so weird for me. I feel like I am a completely different person, or rather, I feel like I’ve discovered the person that I’ve always been, but at the same time it makes me very anxious and almost scared in a way.

My biggest anxiety, and the reason why I have doubted myself all this time, is because of how I was raised. When I feel an attraction to a guy, it feels so real. But then, I objectively think about it and tell myself that I can’t do that, because it would be a disappointment to my parents. I have this underlying thought that acting on this attraction is inherently wrong, and I am trying so hard to overcome this feeling of wrongness, but it’s still there. To be more specific, I feel it is only inherently wrong if I do it, and that is causing some form of anxiety in me.

I really do love my parents so much. Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll think that being gay was just a dream, and that now I’m awake and back to normal. That way, I can please my parents. But the thing is, for me and my sexuality, there was never really a normal.

The most popular story I’ve read about those who know they were gay is that they experienced a sort of same-sex attraction when they were very young. I also experienced a “non-normal” attraction (assuming “normal” is straight), but the thing is, I really had no need to tell, but every need to hide, due to the fact that it was a deviant fetish. And unlike homosexuality (or at least a complete form of homosexuality), there was no other element to this nature but sexual. I completely split apart all other attractions from what I found to be sexually arousing, and this continued until the beginning of this year.

So now that I’ve discovered that I am sexually attracted to guys, I get the feeling that I just want to go back, like a feeling of homesickness after leaving your home town. I have a strong relationship with my family, and these feelings make me feel distant from them. But the thing is, I tell myself that even if I did go back, I would just be back with a sexual fetish and no other sorts of attractions.

I always attributed my lack of interest in women to the fact that I just didn’t want to get committed to a relationship, but the truth is, I just was not interested in that way. If I was truly afraid of commitment, then I wouldn’t even be thinking of being in a romantic relationship with a guy, a thought that is so appealing to me now.

My life is changing, and while I do love and embrace change, when it involves big things like this, I am very anxious and a lot of times just turn back. However, this is a change where I really can’t turn back…unless of course I just lose all attractions. This is a change that seems to be splitting me. On one side, I have this attraction, and I’ve accepted that I have it, and I want to explore it due to my own desire. On the other, I mentally disapprove of it because of what my parents would think of me, and how I would be straying from what is considered normal. Now my anxiousness comes from this split.

There will still be days where I deny myself, but the thing is, I’ve been fluctuating like this for weeks, if not months now, and every time I attribute the denial to a desire to turn back to where I feel “safe.” I’m writing this all here so that I can finally collect my thoughts about this, rather than having them shoot around in my mind making me even more anxious.

Just writing this out finally has put me at ease.

 

What do you mean? Maybe you could explain your situation a little more if that'd help.