So, as you can see from my orientation and status, I already identify as bisexual and I am out to everyone currently in my life. At least for my sexuality, but I consider my gender a more personal thing. Anyway. My problem is that I periodically question my sexual orientation and it really causes me undue stress. I'm going through one of those phases now. I'll give you the full story to help you out in helping me out: So I started exploring my sexuality when I was about 15 in the form of masturbating. From the start, I fantasized exclusively about women (though usually I was not involved in the fantasy; I fantasized about other women having sex with each other and still do). For a while I still thought I was strait, because I had done some research and learned that there were plenty of women who fantasized about other women but still ID'd as strait. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual and felt pretty secure in that for a long time. This was helped by the fact that I went through all of high school without dating. I had crushes on a few boys and, awkwardly, most of my brother's girlfriends, but what was most important to me were my friends and family and I felt no huge urge to change my life dynamic by adding an S.O. When I got to college I started coming out, but mostly because I felt bad keeping it a secret from people I care about. I still wasn't dating and didn't have I anyone I was particularly interested in. I went on a few dates (all with men), but they were mostly to try it out and also to give the guys a chance. I never went on more than one with any guy and they were all really awkward. By the time I was 19, I really was tired of being single, but I didn't want to date just for the sake of dating. I wanted to like someone first. Then, about eight months ago, I was at a Halloween party my friend was throwing and there was a guy there that I had seen around and knew a little about but never properly spoken to. I ended up spending most of the night talking to him and hanging out with him and -- as I got more intoxicated -- flirting. He was pretty open to the flirting thing, as I knew from general talk that he was a pretty sexual guy; he had friends-with-benefits relationships with a lot of girls and was generally thought of as being really considerate and gentlemanly guy about it, careful to get checked regularly and always open about being with other girls. By the end of the night, I was just drunk enough and just smitten enough to be talked into kissing him by a friend of mine. That, my friends, was my first kiss. I was 20 at the time. We exchanged numbers and about two weeks later we got to hang out again and he said that he really enjoyed kissing me and wouldn't mind doing it again sometime. Frankly, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him in those two weeks, so I jumped on that immediately. For a while, it was really awesome. He would come over occasionally and we would make out and I got to explore my sexuality with a guy who knew what he was doing, to put it lightly. I'd like to take a second to say that the crush I had on this guy completely redefined what I think a crush feels like. I seriously had never felt this way before. Then after winter break, things got complicated. This is already pretty long, so I'll tell the short version: He had to drop out of college and start working full-time at a restaurant and didn't really have time to come see me anymore. I only got to see him periodically and we never got to be alone. This would have been less of a problem if I hadn't gone and totally fallen for him in the meantime. This brought on a whole multitude of feelings and problems that are not the subject of this discussion, so moving on. Being with this guy had basically been my sexual awakening in practice. For the first time, I really wanted to have sex. Like, not just thinking about it being nice, but actually doing it -- with him in particular, but anyone would do. The thing was, all the people I found myself attracted to when he wasn't around were women. There really weren't any guys that I thought were cute. The longer I was away from this guy, the more I thought I might not be sexually attracted to men at all. As much as I wanted to have sex with him, I didn't really feel turned-on if I masturbated thinking about him or any men. Just women. Being with him felt great, but just thinking about him didn't (and doesn't) seem to do it for me sexually. But I really can't ignore the strong emotions that crop up whenever I'm around him or want to be around him but can't. So TL;DR, the only time I've felt really emotionally attached to someone has been with a man, but I don't ever masturbate thinking about men, not even him, and I seem to find women more attractive usually. I don't know if this means I'm really a lesbian and this one guy is a fluke, or if perhaps I am biromantic but homosexual, or if I really am bisexual and it's normal to not necessarily be turned on in thought by the same things that turn you on in practice, even if it is your S.O. or something similar.
Okay, I don't wanna seem desperate here, but I am seriously desperate. Guys, I know I seem really calm in this post, but I have spent the last few days crying all the time, no small part of it caused by this. If you have anything you can say, please, say it.
I can relate to something here. I think that I may be bisexual but experience attraction to men and women very differently. I don't know that I could enjoy a sexual relationship with both genders but suppose that I could. Whichever I try first is going to give me doubts about the other. I think that sexual desire seems to increase with emotional attachment for most people. Also if you spend a lot of time with someone and become involved sexually, emotional feelings are also likely to become stronger. Maybe you could become just as emotionally attached to a girl if you started dating. If you consider that you are more attracted to women and are out to everyone then what is stopping you from pursuing a relationship? You seem to have found that you can enjoy a sexual relationship with a man or at least desire trying sex. Can he be so unique that there are not any other men out there like him? If you are very strongly attached to him then it could feel that way. Personally I believe that there is life on other planets. It may be that you are less commonly attracted to men but you didn't seem to be particularly blown away when you first met so is it demisexual? You said you had "seen him around" and "knew a little about him". Were you attracted like you would be to a woman? Is him having experience really such a big deal? You haven't touched upon this but does he feel as strongly for you as you do for him? Missing someone the first time I felt strongly attached or knowing that they don't feel the same way would make me upset and doubting whether the relationship would even work on a sexual level would not help this. Maybe you should find out if things could work with this guy. You really like him and say you want sex with him. This could make you more sure about some things at least but if he doesn't feel the same I think you would get hurt. If he doesn't feel the same then just jumping into bed with any guy isn't sure to give you answers or be a very nice experience especially if you are demisexual. So if you want a relationship with a man then maybe try to get to know one who would be more committed to you and see if things develop.
You're right that I probably could become just as emotionally attached to a woman. The main thing stopping me from pursuing a relationship with a girl? Heteronormativity and a rather hopeless desire for everyone to like me. At one point, I thought all I really needed was the acceptance and love of my friends and family, but then Amendment 1 happened last year and I felt personally attacked by it. I realized just how much baggage comes with being in a same sex relationship and how desperately I don't want loving someone to be political. Also, I feel a bit alienated by the LGBT community, mostly because I don't see my sexual orientation as being a huge part of who I am, and that's not a view than seems widely held. I don't think he's unique, no. I guess it just feels that way because he's the first. I thought he was cute the times I'd seen him around, but I never dwelled on it much. It was more that, getting to know him, he was extremely charismatic and kind. His sexual experience and other partners was comforting to me in the beginning, because it meant that he had other ways to get sex and wouldn't take advantage of me and my inexperience if I didn't feel ready. I never really considered myself anywhere on the asexual spectrum, just that maybe I was somewhat less sexual than most people. I have always considered the emotional aspect of relationships more important in general, though. I don't know if I was attracted to him the same way I would be to a woman. Attractive women grab my attention more than men, but I've never felt emotionally this way about a woman, possibly because I've never allowed myself. But then, I never really felt attracted to people on-sight before him either, even if I wasn't attracted to him on sight. I don't know if that even makes sense. He almost definitely doesn't feel as strongly about me, unfortunately. :C He's pretty into having multiple partners and isn't looking to be monogamous. And I've already been hurt a couple times by this, I won't lie. I'm having a hard time letting go of it all, though. But I guess that's a different discussion. Ack, sorry this is so long. I can't seem to make short posts.
It seems like you feel you could be with either a man or a woman but have a preference for women. The real issue appears to be a fear of how your life will change or be limited when you start being more active with women. I don't have any experience on this but there are plenty of threads on this sort of thing or you could start your own to help with any specific worries. I don't think that it need necessarily be such a big change to you day to day socially although it does seem to affect some of your rights long term. If this is affecting your decisions on who you want to be with it is already having an effect and I don't think the politics can be avoided whichever direction you go. I found this thread helpful to me on the social side of things but it is more male specific. (Also I don't seem to be as attracted on sight as most people either so that makes total sense. Often you become aware that someone likes you before you know how you feel about them and that doesn't mean a sexual attraction won't develop.)
Thanks for the input, manimal. C: Just talking about it has made me feel a lot better. I still have some things to work through, but I appreciate having an outside perspective on all of this. That said, if anyone else wants to say anything, you can still feel free!
