Less sexual or repressed?

I am 25 and uncertain about my sexual orientation and seem to be having different types of attraction towards men and women. My mind swings back and forth between thinking that I am gay, straight or bisexual and I experience quite a lot of stress as a result. I am now considering that I may just be less sexual than most people but worry that this may be a form of denial. I thought that it might make me calmer and less confused if I wrote my feelings and experiences down and got some different perspectives so thank you if you decide to read this.

I don't often feel any strong attraction to women when I first meet them, although this does happen from time to time. This usually develops after I get to know them and I can become very attracted and quite obsessed. I have a pretty good but not perfect idea of which girls I will become attracted to based on first impressions but an attraction can sometimes develop that I really wasn't expecting. Sexual arousal seems to occur fairly readily with physical contact or in sexual situations and this may precede strong feelings of attraction and desire. If I get to know and like a girl then desire and attraction seem to increase or, once attraction starts, it can develop on its own even if I am very shy and avoid talking to the girl.

I find that I am more likely to feel attraction when I first meet a man and am more attracted to male actors in films and TV (particularly the faces). However, sexual images or videos of men don't seem to work for me even though I am relaxed about viewing them and try to get into it. Even if I did initially find the man attractive I seem to turn off when I start to think more sexually. In contrast I am aroused by sexual scenes involving women and enjoy images even when I don't experience much initial attraction.

I can remember once being at least a little excited by physical contact during sport with a boy at school and I do remember finding him attractive but there isn't really another incident of arousal with a man that I can think of. Since adolescence similar situations with men and women tend to only be arousing with women. I find it hard to remember clearly how I was attracted to boys at school because I would have been ignoring and repressing this but I do have memory of finding some boys attractive. Throughout childhood and adolescence there is a lot more physical contact with males through sport, play-fighting, etc so possibly basic contact just isn't very sexual to me and things would have to progress beyond this for me to become aroused. Also the lack of anticipation of any progression or reciprocated feelings perhaps diminishes the sexual tension of the situation and I would have to find a gay man where there is a possibility of escalation to become excited. I can develop emotional attractions for a man but this hasn't yet been as strong as in instances with women and I don't know whether or not there is very much sexual desire there.

I experience significant anxiety with women which has hindered progress. In the past I didn't like people knowing who I was attracted to (after I was teased by relatives about an attraction towards a girl when I was 5) and I never told anyone of any attraction until a couple of years ago. This seems a little crazy and I don't think I'd suffer from this as much now if it was a girl. (I've never confessed to anyone about an attraction to a man.) I have a lot of anxiety about having sex with women that I think is mostly due to worries about performance but may also be about the actual act in cases where I feel that I am not ready.

I am not sure whether all of this is a true description of my sexual orientation because lack of experience means that I am uncertain about how I would respond in real relationships and sexual activities and whether feelings will change as a result of future experiences. For instance if I found that I enjoyed and was aroused by kissing and sexual contact with men this may become my preference and I could possibly become more romantically attracted or aroused more easily. Or if I became more confident about having sex with women I may find that I have increased desire for this and feel attraction more easily. I think I just need to act more confidently, experiment and keep an open mind as there is only so far this sort of questioning and discussion can go in being helpful when it is possible to place emphasis on different details to fit one or other definition. This is what I do in my head all the time and it leads to the confusion. However, I don't think experimenting with a women would help if I don't feel ready especially if I may hurt her feelings if she is attracted and I am not. I once tried this with a girl who really liked me and although aroused I just felt incredibly guilty and anxious and wanted to get away. That experience made me doubt that I was attracted to women even though other attractions have felt very real.

Thank you if you read all of this. I have explored my feelings and experiences quite a lot in writing this and having it in a public but anonymous place as a record makes it less likely that I will take any backward steps. If anyone has any thoughts or advice I would be glad to hear it.

 

It seem that you have a tendency to over think things. (I am the same way)

It sounds like you could be bi. I understand not wanting to be intimate with someone without getting to know them. In my mind, someone may be physically appealing, but if their personality is not a match for mine, I become disinterested.

I was worried that I would not be able to find my sexual orientation without having a sexual experience, but I was able to figure it out. I have been checking out everyone I see. I take their personality out of the equation and just focus on their physical attributes. It was a little weird at first, but I got the hang of it. In doing that, I was able to see that I am sexually attracted to women. I also realized that the few men I have been with have an attractive personality and that is why I had a relationship with them.

I think you can figure out your orientation without any sexual experiences. It would be easier to be able to compare experiences, but it is possible.

 

Thanks for answering.

hawaiianflower, I have actually tried this and I ended up a bit confused and exhausted. I have also been paying attention to how I'm feeling when I do find myself attracted or checking someone out.

I was a bit confused by the different ways I looking at men and women.

I tend to firstly notice a man's face. Whether or not they have an athletic body doesn't seem to play much of a role. I tend to like the whole person and it doesn't matter if they aren't very fit or athletic.
When checking out random men I found men's upper bodies aren't very sexual to me but they can have a nice bum.

With women I tend to take notice of the body more and enjoy looking at girls who I'm not particularly attracted to facially. All of the body can be sexy. I definitely notice whether they have a nice face but it doesn't seem to play as pivotal a role. I am more often checking out girls and I think I'm more attracted to a woman's body than a man's.

I think maybe I am bi. I was just expecting to be attracted to men and women in a more similar way.

 

My younger brother is bi. He is attracted to a wider variety of women than men. He finds a very specific type of male sexually attractive. His attractions to each gender seem very different to me. A lot of people here talk about sexuality being fluid. It seems to me that you have options. You're attracted to both males and females as long as you have that emotional connection. I believe this is referred to as being pansexual. Gender doesn't matter much, but the emotional connection is what is important. I bet you could start a thread more specific to wondering if you are pansexual. That will help those who can give you more specific advice see that you need some support.