Questioning...

The basics: I am 22 years old and I think I am bisexual. This is the first time I have acknowledged this to anyone other than myself and I'm not really sure what to do with this information.

I have not dated much (I had an 11-month non-sexual relationship with a man during college and have gone on a few dates since then), but I haven't really wanted to either. Unlike most of the stories I've read, I never did any experimenting with girls or guys when I was younger (my first relationship was in college and I've never even come close to kissing a girl). Much of the past 7 years of my life have been devoted to travel and school, and I've been pretty content. I am realizing of late that I may have also blocked off some of this part of my life because I wasn't confident in my own sexuality. My parents and I don't really talk about relationships, though we are incredibly close otherwise. I think they find it a bit strange that I haven't had another relationship and haven't really dated, but I usually chalk it up to the fact that I am in a new place/country every few months and it is hard to meet people.

Up to this point in my life, I haven't really had much of a desire to date or necessarily to be in a relationship. I have spent much of the past 7 years focused on seeing the world, figuring out what I am interested in academically/professionally and getting through college, and never really felt like I needed to date/be in a relationship.

There are a couple of reasons why I think this is coming up now. My childhood best friend just got married, and so I've started thinking more about the idea of marriage/relationships and how I am nowhere near a place in my life where I'm ready to get married. I think another part of the reason this is coming up now is because after years of saying that I didn't want kids, I am realizing that I do and it has made me start thinking about my future family. It isn't something I want now, but my whole life I imagined myself married to a man and traveling the world together. When I first started realizing that I may want children in the future, I always imagined them looking like their father.

I am realizing now though that the furtive glances I would take at girls that I always thought were because I was admiring them, and wanted to figure out how to look more like them so guys would like me, may actually mean that I am attracted to them. And this is kind of throwing a kink in my plans.

For a long time, I didn't really understand what it meant to be attracted to someone. I never had celebrity crushes, or really understood the "oh, he's so hot" type of mindset. I would get turned on by couples (gay and straight) though, so I would often turn to the straight male in that couple. I would watch LOGO a lot when my parents weren't around, and when asked about it, I said that I just liked the movies better (I have a penchant for indie films so I assume it was taken as it was, but we haven't talked about it since, so who knows).

I didn't really date in high school, but I never really wanted to, other than because it was something you were supposed to do. Something I've struggled with is that I have always felt like I am not attractive enough, because I haven't really dated much or even gotten close. I've realized of late that this may also be because I've been closing myself off to the possibility by not getting close to guys (even for friendship) because I would always have a one track mind that it would have to be a relationship.

I know this is kind of an unusual trajectory for this discovery, but I am at the point in my life right now where I am ready for a relationship, and I am realizing that that may not necessarily be with a man. I am coming to accept the fact that I may be attracted to women, but I don't know if I can imagine myself in a relationship with a woman. I think part of this is that I haven't accepted it as okay for myself because it isn't the normal path. I worry about what my family would think, my friends, my colleagues, my professors etc., even though none of them have ever expressed any sort of homophobia. I think I am worried to about what it might mean to be bisexual. While I know people who are gay and lesbian, I don't think I know any bisexuals.

I guess right now I am just not sure what to do, how to figure this out and how to accept it. I am currently living overseas and don't have access to a lot of resources. A lot of things I've read on the internet are about teenagers struggling with a sexual identity or about older people. I feel like I am in a different place, and I having trouble finding stories and experiences that I can relate to. I am going to grad school in a few months, and I know there is an LGBT center at my university, but I am scared of going and meeting people there/being associated with it and being labelled before I have a chance to figure it out for myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any thoughts, advice or resources you might be able to offer would be much appreciated.