Can someone describe the "denial" stage of being gay?

When I was in the denial stage I would look at guys and admire them, but not feel attracted. At the time I didn't realize it, but I really just wanted to be like them. I would avoid looking at girls in case I was attracted. Mostly, I wasn't really attracted to anyone since I wouldn't let myself be attracted to girls. I thought a lot of things like "maybe I just won't ever go out with anyone" or "maybe I never have to tell anyone and can just hid it forever." (btw, that doesn't work)

My advice would be to give yourself time and be patient. You don't have to figure everything out right away.

 

"Maybe I'm just fantasising about guys because it's something new and novelty makes things hotter."
"I'm straight, I just wouldn't mind getting head from a guy because it'll feel good."
"I just have a really high sex drive, so I'm curious about everything, but I'll end up with a girl."
"Maybe I'll be attracted to a girl one day, so that means I can't be gay."
"I'm not like gay guys, so I can't be gay."

 

When I was in denial, I would make a rather bad excuse for everything. "She's really hot, anybody would look at her." or "If I were a guy, I might like her. But since I'm a straight girl, I would never like her." Just take your time and figure things out. If you still feel the same way in a few years, chances are you aren't straight. Just take your time, everything will sort itself out.

 

i would tell myself that i was admiring them, or jealous of them for being prettier than me.

 

For me, it generally was a case of trying to explain away any gay thoughts or actions, while trying to convince myself that the relative lack of straight thoughts of actions was just me being shy.



So, I'd spend all day staring at my crush in class, wondering what it would be like to hold hands with him, and yet I'd say "oh, but that's not gay. Just a really close friendship".

I'd find my eyes wandering to guys in the locker room after gym class, but say "oh, I'm just comparing! Every guy does that!"

I'd not even have noticed that cute new girl that everyone was fawning over, but I'd tell myself "oh, I just respect girls too much to just see them as "hot""

And I'd find myself occasionally watching at gay porn, and saying to myself "this is the really final time I did this! I swear!"

Any of the above by themselves don't necessarily constitute proof. It definitely is possible for guys to have strong friendships, to compare physique in the locker room, or to not have noticed a girl (okay, for the gay porn part I have little explanation if one is straight )

But when they become a pattern, if you've crushed on five guys and not a single girl, if a lot of your fantasy life revolves around guys, and you have to explain it away every single time (until "it's just a phase, I'll wait it out!" becomes the explanation for EVERYTHING, then it might be a sign of denial.

 

I dont really think I every experienced denial or confusion about my homosexuality. It was completely unambiguous when it emerged in my early teens and it was pretty obvious to me from my first real crushes. My denial and confusion came somewhat later when I started to work out what it meant to live my life with a gay identity. So for me it wasn't about sexuality, it was about identity.