Hi. So I've spent a while now trying to figure out if where on the sexuality spectrum I am. I'm fairly sure that I'm attracted to guys and to girls, but have pretty much only ever been with men. Recently I had my first real experience with a woman, which at the time was fine. However since then I've felt incredibly anxious every time I'm in close contact with gay women. It's as if I'm scared of being 'found out'. My second experience with the same woman was full of this feeling. I just felt really anxious and scared. It wasn't butterflies and excitement, but pretty full blown panic. Does this mean I'm wrong about my sexuality? I've had a lot of worries that my attraction to women is something I've just fabricated, and this kind of backs up that idea.
I think it's pretty normal to be afraid to be intimate no matter who you're with. Especially, if it's with the same sex, because we're taught that we're "suppose" to like the opposite sex. Did you find having sex with a woman enjoyable? If not, then maybe you are not attracted to women or that particular woman. There have been times when I've messed around with a friend of mine whom I'm not attracted to. And well, I was not turned on at all, which made things very uncomfortable. There's more to liking women than just sex, there are plenty of other emotions that are involved. And sometimes, you cannot have one without the other. Sometimes, an emotional connection is more important than anything. Therefore, it needs to be established before you can become intimate with a certain individual.
I went through almost exactly that experience: I had only been with guys but wanted to be with women, I felt really uncomfortable in queer spaces, I was worried i was making it all up... and my hookups with girls have been a mixed bag, sometimes good sometimes not so good. I still don't know the answer. I do know that I prefer lesbian porn to straight porn and that I fantasize about women; maybe there is a panicky adjustment period. Also a lot of times I would see lesbians clique up; that added to my panic. Sometimes I wonder if this is how young teenage straight boys feel: nervous around girls, panicked, haven't learned how to talk to them yet, and they're all cliqued up. Anyways this is all unique to the individual; if you're opening to experimenting, it might help you figure it out. You must have been questioning for a reason, even if that reason was "I'm bored of guys". Don't try too hard to figure it out and i'll sort itself out.
Thank you for the quick replies! My first experience was good, but also strange. She was getting to grips with the idea that I'd never done this before, and so I think kind of felt responsible for me which weirded her out. Once she decided she was fine with it (a day later), I'd had enough time to thoroughly psych myself out and so it didn't really feel the same again. It's always nice to hear from people with similar experiences wanderinggirl. There is so much said and written about the exclusivity of gay (especially lesbian) communities that it definitely makes trying to meet people very intimidating. I've always felt anxious around girls in general. I feel like they see through me in a way that boys never do. Partly what draws me to women, but also makes everything feel a lot less safe. I feel a lot less in control.
I guess I'd feel the same way if I were you. I've been out since I was 17/18ish and started sleeping with my first girlfriend fairly quick. I was more nervous than she was, but I didn't feel pressured because we were both clueless. And I'll admit that I had a very difficult time accepting myself. So, I was very intimidated meeting women who had only been with women. If anything, just go with the flow and embrace your feelings.
