Answers on a postcard please..

Im so confused. Iv been this way for over 10yrs now, & i know i should have started dealing with it sooner, iv tried, but i always give up.

Iv been anxious & a worrier since i was tiny, says my mother. She dont know the half of it.

Iv never felt like iv fitted in, never really had friends, never had a relationship, never 'done' anything, with anybody. When i was a teenager & everyone else was getting off with each other, all that passed me by, just had no interest. wasnt until i was in my early 20s (im late 20s now) that i really started thinking 'i have no idea whats going on here, i have no idea who i am or what i want'.

My body dictates that im female. Iv never ever been comfortable with that. At 1 point i was all for gender reassignment ('i want to be a man!') but im not sure thats it. Im not comfortable being female but im not sure id be totally comfortable as a guy. Iv always been a total tomboy as a kid, but the feelings run much deeper than that.. I spend my working life in scruffy clothes & a hat, & every time someone calls me 'son' or 'lad' or whatever, it just feels right. Like they've seen the real me or something.

My friends daughter (3yrs old) asked me the other day if i was a boy or a girl (she knows im a girl, shes just at that age..). I asked what she thought. "You a boy" she says inmmediately. It made me smile but of course i had to correct her.

& thats another thing. I want to be a parent. I want to be a dad. Maybe that sounds completely insane, but to have a child, to hear a child call me 'Daddy'.. It cuts me in two to know i'll probably never ever get that.

Im sort of attracted to both men & woman, but im not sure i could ever sleep with a man. Not entirely sure why, but the idea of penetrated in any way freaks me out. These last few months, its become more & more certain in my brain that if i ever slept with anyone, it would be me that would have to be doing that, being the man in the relationship..

Im at a stage where im just lonely as hell, & its inpacting on everything. im struggling at work, but my boss is 1 of these 'leave personal problems at home' people, & just doesnt care. Not that id tell him whats going on anyway. Im basically on verge of losing the job iv only had since Xmas.

I went to the Dr last week & told her all of what im writing here. Shes referred me to psych, but theres a 6 month waiting list. The way i am right now, im not sure i can survive 6 months. She wouldnt give me any meds to help depression or stress (i didnt ask for any in the 1st place..) because im on other meds for other health issues. Im looking into private therapy/counselling etc.

I spoke to an old friend last night (him giving me a 5min lift home turned into a 2hr chat in his car) who has known me on & off for almost 10yrs. Hes actually the very 1st person i came out to. He said he thought my gender worries had settled, & he honestly thought id have had a partner by now, of whatever gender. I wish..

I really dont know what to do. I only have 1 or 2 mates, im a very very lonely person but im too scared to meet new ppl because i cant work out who i am. Its a viscious circle.

I dont want to reach my 30s & still be alone. That'd kill me. Im just utterly messed up & at the end of my tether.

& scared. Im really scared.

Pathetic really.

A.

{apologises for writing a novel...}