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straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my life

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by germanion, Jun 14, 2013.

  1. germanion

    germanion Guest

    I have a very serious problem nowadays .. I cant sleep at night ..I am always thinking .. I am losing myself!
    I have always knew that I am not straight .. I have always knew that there is something different in my mind .. when I was a child I really wanted to be a girl because maybe I was too skinny and insecure about my body,and when I grow up a little bit I used to fantasize about men and masturbate , I was always imaging my self as a girl in the scene.But all that was in my mind ONLY I did't have any interests in having a relationship with a guy EVER and still don't have.Always when I used to fantasize about guys it was only a one night stand not more so I am 100% sure that I am not emotionally attracted to guys.
    But what makes the things more complicated is that I like girls and I have always loved them , I had several emotional relationships with girls but without sex because I am really insecure about my body and till now.I really like to be with a girl and spend my whole life with her.
    After graduating from the university I just stopped thinking about these kind of imaginary sex relationships with guys because I was always thinking that this is not good and I don't want to do it , also it made me feel bad and sometimes crying .So I stopped doing it and started fantasizing about girls and it worked pretty well ,I could get erection and I really enjoyed it especially when I fantasize about women older than me , I dont know why actually. :slight_smile:
    Then I went to another country to continue my study and I met a girl ,I was not that much attracted to her but I just wanted to try sex because I have always been worried about the first time I will have sex ,I was always thinking that maybe I will lose the erection and I will not be able to do it and that what happened actually :bang:
    In the first night we started kissing each other and I got the erection but I was always thinking about losing it so I lost it , I was really embarrassed and shocked so I gave her oral sex and I think I enjoyed it and she also . After that whenever I kissed her or even kissed her hand I got erected but afraid to death to continue .And day by day I started being attracted to that girl I really love going out with her , kissing her , cuddling and sleeping together in the same bed but not SEX .Since that time I am thinking very heavily
    1) am I gay? straight? or bi ?
    2)If I marry a girl ,will I be able to do it and satisfy her and my needs and build a successful marriage?
    3)shall I continue my life single and forget about marriage ?
    4)I lost the erection because I was stressed or because I am not straight ?

    all these questions are really consuming me and I just need an answer :frowning2:
    I cant imagine my life with a man because simply I dont like it ,whenever I am in the street ,super market or anywhere else I dont realize guys most of the times and I dont check them out ,I only realize girls and really like their bodies but afraid to death of having sex with them because of the erection problem and I know it is not a physical problem.
    This is the first time in my life I speak about this because I really need help ... please people give me your opinions and advises.I will really appreciate it and maybe you will save me and save my whole life.
    Thank you very much :slight_smile:
     
  2. wrhla

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    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    Your experience is not all that unusual. There are many men here, including myself, who have a similar history. I know that in my own case, I realized after many years that what I experienced was what certain psychotherapists describe as a "split," where the unconscious cannot cope with two, contradictory impulses and so you separate & isolate these desires in ways that seem tolerable. The problem is that this self-division itself becomes pretty intolerable, since the underlying contradiction hasn't really been resolved.

    But my telling you this won't really help either. It's something you need to address with a therapist. I can tell you with some certainty, however, that if you simply try to ignore this split, it will trouble you for most of your life. If you try to force things and live as though you're completely heterosexual, you will almost certainly have unsatisfying relationships with women.
     
  3. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    Tanks alot for the reply :slight_smile:
    for me I am ready to accept anything ..I just want to know myself because this is really affecting my life badly .
     
  4. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    what is really concerning me now is to concentrate again on my life and study well because I have exams next month , I was doing pretty well in my study but now I cant concentrate because I keep thinking about this problem and this keeps me awake and worry the whole day , if I am homosexual it's ok for me I can accept it and live my life alone not a big problem for me but the problem that I am not sure if I am really homosexual, I have desires for women also and I really want to marry and have a family .
    I tried to visit a psychiatrist to understand myself but I have to wait till September to have an appointment !! so I decided to post here maybe someone else has the same experience and can help me.
     
  5. Stray

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    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    I highly doubt you're gay. You stated you have an emotional connection with women, which I've never had. I see three possibilities. You've psyched yourself out about being with women sexually, due to your insecurity about your body and that has caused anxiety which makes you unable to perform (most likely, in my opinion). You have a split, like wrhla said (I honestly don't know much about that). Or you could possibly be a heteroromantic asexual (I also don't know much about asexuals, although I know some asexuals do masturbate). I'd start by looking on some asexuality forums and seeing if those stories resonate, since that'd be the easiest thing to discount. Then next time you're about to have sex, stop yourself from worrying about performing. Relax, take it slow, and live in the moment, not thinking about anything. If you still find a lack of sexual attraction then you'll probably want to seek professional help (although you said yourself you enjoyed going down on her).
     
  6. unknown17050

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    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    I have to agree with Stray on this one honestly, just skimming through bits and pieces of this post you made sounded alot like my situation when I was going through the questioning stage. And yes, alot of us do and can masturbate, and are capable of having sex, sex drive is the wanting feeling to have sex for ultimately no reason, meaning for no practical reason what so ever, just plain old fashioned 'MURICAN sex! Libido is the ability to have sex which all people and other living beings have, it is built within our life-form bodies.

    Although, it could be a sex drive issue, do you and your romantic partner of a woman have sex occasionally? If so it could be an over saturation of Dopamine which is clouding your brain making it want to not feel like having sex as much.
     
  7. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    Thanks guys for the replies.What I am sure of 100% is that I don't have any emotional attraction to men , I had so many male friends before and still have but I didn't ever love anyone of them .I am sure 100% that I have a very powerful emotional attraction to women since I was a kid I fall in love with many girls .I used to travel 350 km every week to meet a girl for 3 hours and then come back .
    But I am not sure of my sexual attraction .. I am afraid of having sex with girls ,I always try and start by the kissing and foreplay but then I become afraid and the I stop .
    I feel that with men I dont have to be afraid of the erection problem and I always think that they will accept my body but the women will not .But still I feel deep inside that there is something different with me but I dont know what it is !
     
  8. Phepherly

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    Re: straight , bi or gay ? a question which is consuming my brain and destroying my l

    :eek:
    I need to read up on this then, I've never heard of it and I can relate to this feeling as well (<---- 38/female/married to man 11 years) I found it odd I guess that I split the sub/dom aspects of my male/female - fem/fem fantasies and relationships in life this way to find a comfortable balance. I wonder....wow thanks for this information!

    ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2013 at 09:51 PM ----------

    I have to ask...have you ever had a traumatic experience, rejection, or some other psychological interaction that has made you afraid and then you stop?

    The reason I ask is because when I look back into my childhood, I remember each and every time I was steered away from my attractions and explorations with women. Each time, left its psychological mark-up to and including when I was sexually molested by a woman as an adult. She crawled into bed with me while I slept and I woke up to her fingers inside me. This traumatized me into the darkest closet I could find in cold-sweat and fear.

    So I still to this day have never been with a woman but I wake from a deep sleep dreaming about having sex with them, I'm fully aware of my sexual attraction to them, but I can't seem to make eye contact with girls who flirt with me back due to this fear. I'm also in a very monogamous relationship with my husband whom I love dearly, but he says he can notice at times my internal struggles and he says it affects our sex life when those times occur.

    This makes me feel like a piece of crap by dragging him through this struggle with me when I had no idea I was like this when we got together.

    We can be a mess together germanion (&&&)