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Confused and Insecure

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by InNeedOfHelp, Jun 15, 2013.

  1. InNeedOfHelp

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Lately I'm confused by feelings and thoughts toward's gay men. Growing up I never had gay thoughts or fantasies that I remember. I had crushes on girls dating back to pre-elementary school. I never remember wanting sexual or emotional feelings towards boys or men. I do remember when I met my first gay person, it was a boy named Brandon in middleschool and everyone was put off by him and I was interested in asking him questions and knowing more but I never did.
    I was unsuccessful with girls in middle school and high school. I had my first kiss at 16, and did not have another until 18. I began masturbating in middle school to movies and heterosexual pornography and that has continued even up to today. At age 22 I was still without any sexual experience and remember thinking to myself that I might be gay one day but very soon after that entered my first relationship with a girl.
    I lost my virginity at 22, the first time I tried to have sex with my girlfriend my penis would not stay erect long enough for me to penetrate her. Something I attributed to nerves. The next time we tried to have sex, we used a lubricant and I climaxed nearly immediately. That relationship continued for nearly 3 years without sexual issue except for one time when I could not maintain an erection due to nerves of an upcoming collegiate theatre audition.
    I did not have sex again for almost 6 months until I started sleeping with a girl who had recently gone through a breakup. I enjoyed it but did not climax except for one time of the ten times we had sex.
    Then I went through a period of 7 months where I had no sexual contact until once again I started fooling around with a woman older than I was. I would have been 26 then.
    Once again I did not climax for the first two times that we had sex but then did without fail until that relationship ended.
    Immediately after that brief casual arrangement, I started my second real relationship in life with a girl who had a boyfriend at the time that we started sleeping together. She was far more sexually experienced than I was. She had had threesomes and slept with men and women, but she was also an unhealthy person and created consequently an unhealthy relationship. I could not climax the first time I had sex with her either which I excuse by saying that I had a lot to drink. We continued drinking and having sex for 6 or so months and the pattern was typically: have sex once and orgasm, then continue drinking and have sex again without orgasm.
    She was abusive, both physically and mentally. She struck me on multiple occasions and one of her favorite things to tell me when she wanted to hurt me was that I was gay. I thought very little of it at the time as since I was having regular sex with her, and she with me, it was ridiculous. But it always hurt me and I found myself wondering why she'd said it. Was I really gay and didn't know it? Was I pretending?
    Since that boy in middle school, I'd met multiple gay men and became friends with some of them. Though the curiosity I'd felt about gay people had diminished, partially through age, partially through conditioning. I had decided that being gay wasn't morally wrong but biologically useless. Clearly sex without the possibility of procreation was a mistake. Gay people had a defect. And since I had never had any sexual fantasies or confusing feelings about men to that point, I was fine with that view.
    But lately since the end of that terrible relationship, I've also experienced an awkward one night stand that featured a lot of alcohol, a lot of sex and 0 orgasms, then started another relationship where I did not orgasm the first time we had sex. I did begin to orgasm the next time we had sex and frequently after that though not always. We would have sex once a night and I would orgasm then the morning after for awhile I would not orgasm. Then it eventually reached the point of consistent orgasm after that.
    Then she left alone. We haven't split up but she is ten hours away from me. And now I find myself wracked with anxiety when I'm around a specific gay man I work with and at times feel anxious when interracting with other men i work with as well. I've thought so much on whether or not I was gay recently that at times I've convinced myself that I am and so force myself into thoughts that I think gay people should have. Last night I attempted to achieve an erection by looking at gay pornography and forcefully making myself envision gay situations with gay men I know before I eventually decided I was being ridiculous and going to sleep.
    I'm so sorry about the length of this post and the incredible insecurity that it betrays in me. If anyone reads this and responds, thank you for your kindness