Long post ahead, but I really need help right now. I am so depressed and so lost. Like my username says, I just want to find peace. I apologize for the sexually explicit nature of the post, but it is necessary to describe my whole situation. Hey guys. Up until recently I was 100% positive that I was straight; it is now my guess that I am bisexual, which I have told no one about. I am not ready to come out about anything for two reasons: I am totally unsure about what I am and I hate being judged by others, it really bothers me (something i'm really trying to change). So I guess I'll go back through my recent life and try to explain my thought process to you all. I've always had an extremely high sex drive. When I was a kid, I watched a fair amount of porn. I remember being deeply aroused by the sight of a naked woman; in fact I preferred porn with only women in it (girls masturbating, lesbian, etc). I always wanted a girlfriend, and got one when I was in 10th grade. We messed around a fair amount and I definitely enjoyed everything that we did. It was a year or two after that, that I met my second, and most recent girlfriend to date. I can say with confidence that the year that we dated was the happiest of my life. However, around the time that we started dating, I learned something which would change my life. My mother is a lesbian. We had been living with this other single mother and her children for years, my mother claiming that it was for financial reasons, until one day I overheard something and questioned my mom, and found out that she had been lying to me all these years; I still do not think that my dad even knows, and he has since remarried. When I found this out, I was in shock. I essentially had a panic attack and just could not stop crying. At that point in my life I can safely describe myself as a homophobe. I thought that what my mother was doing was deeply wrong, mostly for religious reasons. I believed that my mother was going to hell. My girlfriend at the time was the only one that I talked to about this. I really found strength through her and I can definitely say that I was in love-I would later realize when we broke up that I had an unhealthy level of emotional attachment to her. I tried just about everything sexually with her for the first time, we lost our virginity together, and I definitely enjoyed it, however I am now asking myself if I was only psyching myself out and enjoying it because of societal norms (more on this later). It was the second or third time we had sex that I lost my irrection before the act-immediately the thought popped into my head "what if im gay?". I was immediately filled with anxiety. Even though we were successful after she helped me relax, this plagued me for weeks. Eventually we broke up, and when we did, I was severely depressed for months, I even had suicidal thoughts, although I would never go through with such a thing. Ever since then, I have had sex with a handful of girls, and I have lost my irrection a couple of other times-but only while intoxicated. After I have good sex with a girl, I always feel great and on top of the world for hours afterward, but I now wonder if this is because I want to prove to myself that I am not gay... About a year ago, I started experimenting with anal masturbation, and found that I really enjoy it. This only exponentially increased my insecurities about being gay. I feel like ever since then, a 'seed' was planted in my mind, and that it has been taking over my mind like a virus. I feel like I've started to notice attractive men more, and get a better sense of what makes them attractive, although I could be psyching myself out with this too. Recently, I begun to wonder about having sex with another man, and I have to say the thought of it really turns me on. I still have never looked at a man and thought 'wow i would really like to have sex with him' the way that i always have with females (although, have I always felt this way, or am I just playing mind games with myself??). I have never had any thoughts about being romantic in the slightest with another man, It is purely physical. However lately these physical desires have begun to consume my thoughts, to the point where I hardly fantasize about women anymore. Every time I have these thoughts I feel ashamed afterward, and often have anxiety attacks as a result. Often I feel so bad that I feel nauseous. I don't know whether my constant worry and paranoia about being gay has caused me to think about this so much, or if I am just losing attraction for women. I have been home from college for the summer during this increase of thought though, so I have not had access to either of my female friends with benefits. The thought of losing attraction to women is terrifying to me - the only thing I can say for sure anymore is that I deeply want to like women. I want to have children and a 'normal' family someday, rather than a situation like the one I grew up in. I am constantly filled with anxiety about 'turning gay' and I hate it. It grows worse by the day. If there is any more information I can provide, please let me know. I could really use some help.
Bump...any help/advice appreciated! Edit: Some additional Info: I realized that what I am going through now is shockingly similar to an period in my life when I was in the sixth grade. I dont remember how it started, but I started feeling guilty for everything I felt was wrong that I had ever done in my life. Although it was not the entirety of it, sexual acts made me feel the most guilty (example: purposefully brushing my hand against a girls' butt in a crowded hallway in elementary school). I felt that I had to confess each and every one of these wrongs to my parents-mostly my mom. This helped the constant anxiety that I was feeling, but did not make it completely go away. It faded over time, and until now I laughed at it. I was raised in a very strict household-where I was always taught to be honest with my parents and apologize for everything I did wrong-don't know if this is the cause of this. I'm starting to think I may have a larger mental issue at hand. Back to the main topic-I can say that throughout my life I have always had one or two very close guy-friends, rather than a ton of friends. I now wonder if I have been attracted to all of these friends without knowing it. I've always felt very hurt when losing or being in conflict with my best friends
I'm not sure I've been doing some reading on HOCD and it seems that most of the people who have it have different feelings than the ones I described. Any other opinions would be really helpful.. Also-when I say that I have mainly fantasized about men lately-I only mean in the past week or two when this situation has spiraled out of control. Additionally , I have always been incredibly nervous to flirt with women, I am wondering if this is because I am attracted to them and worried ill mess it up, or because it feels weird for me because I'm homosexual
omg....people stop with the HOCD. seriously. i'll just copy and paste here. HOCD is NOT a standalone disorder. I'll say it for him Here is a quote from him (Chip) I hope it helps
(Don't take the lack of responses personally, this is a difficult situation to analyze, as you well know.) That being said: I'm fairly confident in saying you have an over-developed super-ego (the part of the conscious that induces feelings of guilt and wrong-doing), especially given your very strict upbringing. And I think your overactive super-ego, coupled with your deeply internalized homophobia enabled you to hide any bi-curiosity you might have had. Until your mom came out to you. This realization turned a lot of hard truths (like you KNOWING your mom was straight as a child) into now-revealed illusions. This now created a huge problem for your subconscious. If the mom you grew up with, told everything to, who you KNEW to be straight, was in fact gay; then how do you know you're not? So you decide to experiment to PROVE to yourself that you aren't gay. But when you turned out to enjoy the experimentation, the truth of you being entirely, 100% straight, also was shattered. In an attempt to preserve who you've always known yourself to be, you kept trying things that would prove you were straight. Except, in reality, you did enjoy it to some extent (the fantasies, appreciating other men, etc.). However, there is one question that this now all boils down to. And you may try to resist or influence the answer consciously because you desperately "want to like women" and have a "normal" life. Ultimately you need to ask yourself, without even thinking about the implications: Do I have an emotional attraction (or the potential of emotional attraction) to men? Hope that at least gives you peace of mind about the "larger mental issue" you were concerned about; your mind is just struggling to evaluate which truths are actually true and which are false.
