Hey everyone, I've been confused on my orientation for a little while, but I have no one to really talk to that would be of help. Basically, here's my deal. I'm eighteen and I thought that I was straight, like no if, and's, or but's about it, but I think I have had feelings about girls before that I just never realized were romantic because I just assumed I was straight. And yes, I've had dreams about both men and women that were sexual fantasies, but just chalked it up to dreams and nothing more. I've never dated a girl or been with a girl, and I've only dated a handful of guys and only been with one intimately, during which time I was not turned on at all and had to fake it. I figured it was just because he didn't know what he was doing... Well, just recently I was at my little sister's sporting event and I saw this girl (she was dressed kind of "butch") and immediately I was like, oh my god, I want her. Mind you, there aren't a whole ton of girls who are secure enough to do that around here, so this is really the first girl who dressed like that that I have really seen in real life. I developed a huge crush on her and started wondering if I am just going through a curious phase (because I am young) or if I really am bi or even a lesbian. See, I can see myself sexually being with a man or woman, but with the women I can imagine it easier and I get more turned on by those fantasies than by being with men, and before, I thought I'd die alone because I could NEVER, and I mean NEVER.. even with my first love, see myself marrying a guy, but I can totally picture myself with a girl, and I really want to try dating one, but that's going to be hard because there are very few people who are open in my area because it's very conservative and religious. Also, if I do date a girl and then realize half way through I'm straight, I feel like that would really be unfair, like just leading her on or something. I dated a guy who finally admitted to himself that he was gay while we were together and it really made me feel like I was the reason he "turned" gay and that I had just been like a way to conceal his orientation to those around him. Another thing I've been confused about is, while I'm young, I'm not that young.. most people realize their sexual orientation in their younger teens, during or right after puberty, if my information is right, so that's what makes me think it might be just me being confused or experimental. I've never really heard of people not realizing they are gay until they're eighteen, you know? Anyway, as you can tell, my mind is kind of scattered XD I don't necessarily need to label myself as straight or gay or bi, I just want some advice on what I should do at this point. I know that no one can really tell me that I'm into girls or that I'm just confused from an internet post, but I'd like some input from people who may have been here before. My family would be totally supportive if I was bi or a lesbian, but I don't necessarily want to talk to them about it at this time, especially if it's just a phase, or whatever people call it. Any advice you guys could give me would be great, because this is the only place that I really feel safe sharing my feelings at this time, and even then I used a name generator for my username so nobody I know would find this XD I just want to be able to get some help and figure it out a little bit more without any influence from friends or family right now. Thanks!
Name generators are great! Most people realize their orientation in their mid-teens, yes, but not everyone. I'm still not sure, and there are lots of old married people who come out. I started thinking about being gay the same way you did, over last summer, either something happened to me or my friend got 9000x hotter because he was the catalyst to my realization that I might not be straight. My advice: don't come out until you're absolutely sure. How are you sure? You don't have to experiment, I dislike concept of porn and so I never watch it and I've never masturbated because my brother and father are both addicted to it so I don't want to start. But I've just been thinking lots about it lately and I'm starting to narrow down possibilities. One way you can know if you're really gay or just bisexual is this: if, when you saw this girl, you sort of thought "this is what I've been missing," you're probably gay. Good luck!
just a question, when you saw the girl and felt like you wanted her,did you check her out? Did you have any opinions on her body or physique?
Okay, so I don't really know how to work this forum very well yet XD haha. But in regard to livinganew's question, this is the reply I've been trying to "quick reply" to. Yeah, actually. I looked at her body every chance that I got. Like, I noticed how she had a little bit of a curve in her hips and her breasts were just tiny.. but I liked them. I just liked her body, how it was feminine but not... overly so. She had shape, but no curves if that makes sense, and she had nice calf muscles. Like I said, she kind of had that "butch" look, but it was still quite apparent that she was a girl, just with a more athletic shape, I suppose. Does that mean something, do you think? Like, that I was attracted to her more than a girl with curves or bigger breasts or something? And as for Krilky's advice, I definitely agree that I don't want to come out until I'm sure, since I'm not sure there's even anything for me to come out for, but I don't really know how to be sure because yes I kind of felt like wow, what have I been missing out on, but I still don't feel like I am for sure that this isn't just a phase.
Did you feel as though she was sexy? Could you describe how you felt about her looks when you forst saw her? Did you feel any anxiety? Did you keep thinking about her afterwards?
I thought she was very sexy.. sexier than anyone I had ever dated before. I felt attracted to her physically and then I was kind of like wait, but she's a girl, but I couldn't stop thinking about how hot she was. It wasn't just me thinking oh, she's attractive for someone else, I, in the plainest way of saying it, would totally have been cool with having sex with her. But it was more than that, it was still a crush, I still wanted to get to know her and all that romantic jazz (still kind of do, truth be told, which is one of the reasons I've been going to my sister's practices, I want to see her again), wishing it would lead to a relationship and THEN sex, but it was still a physical/sexual attraction to her, along with a romantic attraction. XD Just like any other crush is how I'd describe it. I felt weird... not necessarily anxiety but just kind of a "holy crap, I thought I was straight but this also kind of makes sense" kind of feeling, and obviously I am pretty confused haha. I don't know, I just thought she was hot and the hormones just kind of took over from there. I started imagining what she would look like without clothes and all that stuff but I won't go into explicit detail. But it's not like she's the only one I feel attracted to, I've been looking at women and been attracted to them too, but I'm really more into her kind of look/type, but I think that I've had crushes on friends before too and just didn't realize it? Just figured it was me just getting really close to them or wanting to be their best friend or whatever, but this was the first time that I realized I was actually having a sexual attraction to another woman. And it really feels more... well, it feels right when I think about women rather than men. I just thought I was shy or just too busy for boys before because I have been really indifferent to them for the most part, even though I've dated boys, and I've never even considered being attracted to girls. Like, every time I thought some girl was cute I'd just look away and be like but I'm not gay. Does that make any sense? Like, I'd dismiss my thoughts, dreams, etc. because I just kind of refused to believe I could be gay? I've never thought anything was wrong with homosexuality, I just didn't think I could be anything but straight. I've never really felt aroused by a man before, but I have had romantic feelings for guys before.. but as soon as the physical stuff like kissing or even sex came along, I wasn't really into it.
Were you aroused by her? Did you want to kiss her? Was it like you couldn't stop thinking about her? Did you really want to touch her?
Hi. I wanted to say that I've experienced something like you described, although it wasn't to a "butch" woman. Honestly, it was my dreams (both romantic and erotic) about women that started me on the process of realizing that I'm also attracted to women. And it's been a looong process. I've yet to act on that attraction, though. The dreams got me to writing about the subject, which then opened my mind to the possibility I could be like that. Then, after months of reading, questioning (I never had a problem with the notion of being gay, or struggled against it, I just wanted to make sure) there was a moment when I was walking down the hall looking for a room for a meeting. No one was there. I popped my head into a nearby computer room to ask if they knew when/if people would arrive, and BAM! I had this strong, visceral reaction to this beautiful woman sitting in a chair. She was around my age, probably a graduate student, and it was like I'd been smacked in the face. NEVER had I experienced that kind of reaction to a woman before. And I remember thinking, "If I knew she was gay, I'd ask her out." I recovered and managed to ask my question, but...it was eye-opening. Like I said, I still haven't acted on it, but I'm in the process of doing that. (Sadly, not with her. I'll probably never see her again in my life.) I also have begun to wonder if my friendships and jealousies within those friendships were more…involved than other, straight women feel. Sorry to have gone off on that tangent, but I'd say that it sounds like you are definitely attracted to THIS girl, the butch one. And that's all that matters. You don't have to have a ton of attractions to women to be bi. Or this could be the start of a realization for you that could open your eyes to other possibilities in the future. Or it's possible to be "hetero" and still have the occasional attraction to women. I wouldn't let one experience with a man determine everything. And I wouldn't worry about it being a phase. If you feel it, you feel it. The real question is: What do you want to do? What does your heart tell you? If things change, so be it. I know you'd feel bad if you approached her and found it wasn't for you. But you have to act on your feelings to find out how deep they go. Otherwise you'll always be questioning. If you still have contact with the girl you're attracted to, I'd recommend talking to her. Maybe try to become friends first, and see where things go. And be honest with her. If she's openly out, then you can talk to her about things. Or even talk to your sister to begin the line of communication. Not necessarily about your attraction, but just ask about the "butch" girl. It's a start. You're 18, so if you're entering college, I would recommend joining a GSA or at least finding other women who are L/B/Q and just making friends. See where it takes you. If you find it's not for you, then that's that. But at least you didn't let an opportunity slip by. Just my two cents. Good luck!
