Hi There, I'm really struggling with the fact that I am a lesbian. I just don't find men attractive in that way. However, I think a big reason I was in denial for so long, was because I did and still do!- have a fantasy life in my head, and it involves being straight and socially accepted. I don't think being a lesbian is acceptable to the mainstream, and I think that has serious financial and social repercussions, that I've already experienced. It's so painful. For a lot of my life, I've experienced rejection, from family, peers, etc. I worked at a restaurant where all these beautiful wealthy women with their rich husbands would come in, and they seemed to have such comfortable safe lives. I also went to a boarding school like this. People who never had to worry about food/clothing, that kind of stuff. They really didn't seem scared. I feel scared all the time, I've been in a lot of dangerous degrading situations, so I'm scared about being rejected socially, now there is the whole gay thing. I think a big reason things were awkward with straight guys and straight girls, was on some level about being gay. The guys didn't understand why I always rejected them, and the girls were uncomfortable around me (even if I wasn't pegged as gay ppl always thought I was 'different'). It influenced confidence, getting and keeping jobs, etc. I relied on my looks for so long because it was all I had (no resources/friends/family/skills/education). I sort of thought it would be some happily ever after, some man would rescue me, like a lot of these women. It sure came as a surprise to me, to finally fine that it wasn't so much the men rejecting me, as the fact that having sex with a guy is pretty much a gross thought to me. I had a fantasy of not having to worry about doctors bills, food, clothing, getting bullied, being alone, but the truth is....being gay I can't see myself ever having that life. I mean, I know people will say, "everyone has problems" but for a beautiful straight woman, let me tell you, they have the world at their fingertips. Besides having men help them out financially, they can get hired more easily and feel more comfortable staying in jobs, and I always have to wonder about being 'found out', bullied, the awkward "do you have a boyfriend" conversations, which lead to exclusion when I don't say much, isolated, and god forbid if someone can see I'm attracted to a woman, two or more women give eachother that 'oh my GOD! creepy!' look and I'm ignored or talked down to afterwards. I'd like to not have to worry about the very basics forever. Being poor and gay and female leads to a very real feeling of vulnerability. Wheras if you're a cute straight girl, you get a boyfriend and all of a sudden the taking care of the basics, and the vulnerability of loneliness isn't an issue. All I can think is how easy life could be if I was straight. Sometimes I start to wonder what life could be if I 'tried hard enough' to like men- though I'm doing that less. Does anyone else feel this way? What did you do?
I feel that way a lot!!! My mom had always wanted me to be a preppy, fundamental Christian, heterosexual, traditional doosh, bible thumping, conservative, sporty jock, my mom has been really rejecting of me and who I am. I sometimes just have fantasies of me being that way and how much better my relationship would be with my mom and that if I was that way she wouldn't mentally and physically abuse me... She makes me feel like a disgrace for just being who I am. So I sometimes fantasy about being her fantasy of me.
I fantasize about being straight. We just need to realize it's not changeable. I would personally love to not have those worries either, but I realize that I just need to grin and bear it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but we all need to deal with those things.
I think I cling on to the hope that I am possibly bisexual, just so I can preserve the possibility of bringing home a man I'm dating to my father and see his grin of approval. But as for the lifestyle, I don't think things would be too different if you were married to a woman. This, of course, depends on your location, but there are plenty of accepting communities. Any gender can provide stability in a relationship, having a man in your life won't mean you're automatically entitled to lush wealth. And besides, I think you'd make yourself far more vulnerable if you completely depended on the person you're dating. If you forced yourself to give men a chance, wouldn't that be a false sense of happiness at best? I can tell you there are plenty of successful gay women in this world who can disprove your theory.
Wow TheGreatPerhaps- thanks for your insight. For someone so young especially that is helpful to hear! Out of curiosity what kind of communities would you consider 'accepting'? I was talking with my friend recently and we were discussing how so often the wealthy communities in so-called liberal areas (in my case bay area) can be actually very judgemental towards gay people. A straight person might not pick up on it, but the pressure to be homogenous in many ways sexual orientation is much more there than it is, say where I am now, a small college town that is not considered so liberal, but also not as posh. And I would assume these successful gay women you speak of are in 'liberal' wealthy communities, where I've never felt I fit in. I'm not sure if it's because of class or sexual orientation, but I do think it's both. There are many parts of the bay area where you just don't see gay couples like the financial district, certain parts of the south bay area....really the wealthier areas. In general these are areas where image is everything- weight, race, career, car you drive, class, sexual orientation, mannerisms- so I think basically anyone who stands out in any way is basically an outcast. My aunt was telling me about a school where the women wouldn't speak to one of the mothers because she worked. They all assumed she 'had to work' (in reality she was well off, she just liked to work). I can't even imagine the kind of reception a gay woman would get walking around with her partner in a 'liberal' area like that? I don't see gay couples in many parts of the bay area- suburbs I guess I'm referring to. I totally think, yeah, giving men a chance would be tough. And I would love to find some way to at least part way support myself. I haven't been lucky with that in the past, but I do try very hard. It's just nice to know that if push comes to shove someone has your back. Even if you aren't straight. Thanks a bunch.
