I honestly don't know if I'm gay/straight/bi or anything else and I'm so sick of being told that only you know yourself and it'll work out because what if it doesn't? What if I go through the rest of my life confused and end up on my own. I've only ever been with men before but in general and in relationships I feel uncomfortable with men. I do have high anxiety so I think that is making all this more difficult. The only man I am 100% comfortable around is my Dad. When I meet new people it takes me a long time to be able to easily talk to them but I find I always warm to the woman first, I feel comfortable and confident around them. I am attracted to woman, I dream/fantasise whatever about having a girlfriend and I want a girlfriend but I feel like I shouldn't. That whenever I get too into these thoughts I pull myself out because 'I can't possibly be gay' There are a few men I'm attracted to but I know if I were ever to start a relationship again I'd get uncomfortable and get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's 'wrong.' When I was younger I was extremely close to this other girl, we spent almost every other night at each others houses and I'd talk to her about things I wouldn't tell anyone. Then when I got to high school my best friends were these twins, they were awful to me a lot but I stayed friends with them because the thought of losing them as friends was awful, I was always very aware of how good looking they were...it's only in the past few months that I've thought back on all these and things I've done/spoken about that has me thinking I may be gay. Is it possible to get to 19 and not even have the slightest clue you might not be straight? The thought never crossed my mind before because we never really discussed sexuality, it was just assumed that girls liked boys and boys liked girls so I played along with the whole 'he's good looking' etc thing. I'm really confused and I can't stop thinking about it. I just want an answer and I wish it were simple!
To be honest, feeling uncomfortable around men is an indication of being straight, not the other way around. Have you noticed how heterosexual children tend to make friends of the same gender and homosexual children tend to make friends of the opposite gender? Even though most of my friends are of the same gender, because I knew I was "supposed to" have male friends, I feel more comfortable around female friends. Just because you're attracted to women doesn't make you gay. I'm attracted to some women in certain circumstances, doesn't mean I'm straight or bisexual, because by and large, I'm attracted to men. Now your fourth paragraph is a more compelling reason for you to be gay. It's possible to be old and not realize you're gay; I didn't have an inkling until two years ago because my parents had worked hard to convince me gay people didn't exist. If you wanted to be friends with them because they were good-looking, that's a reason for you to be gay. I don't care how my female friends look at all, and I have plenty of not-so-good-looking male friends, but there are guys I probably wouldn't be friends with if they weren't so attractive. Maybe that's wrong but oh well. But in the end, and I know you said you didn't want to hear this, we can't be inside your head. We can give you advice, but you're the only one who knows for sure.
What you said about anxiety, I can relate. I don't know if I'm straight or gay or bi, but when I was younger, I had male and female friends. But above all, I had this one friend, I guess you could call her my best friend and I felt most comfortable with her. After eighth grade, my family moved and I didn't see her for years. In those years, I became nervous around guys and although I had relationships, I only dated the guys because I didn't know how to break it off. When I was a senior, I finally saw my best friend again. It was in that moment that I realized I might not be straight. What I felt for her, I never felt for any of my ex-boyfriends. I didn't feel nervous around her at all. I felt like I trusted her and if we kissed, I have no doubt that I would feel anxious, but it would be the good kind of anxious.
