I always thought I was straight, but then I guess I realized that I wasn't. I have crushes on guys - relatively often - and the relationships I've been in were amazing but ended because of college and other unrelated factors. However, I always used to look up to older girls - I wanted them to like me and be my friend so I could be like them when I grew older. Also, I have been diagnosed with OCD - with an obsession with sexual orientation for the past 5 years. I'm aware that HOCD isn't technically a form of OCD, but it is a common name for a particular obsession and a licensed therapist has diagnosed me. I also suffer from serious anxiety issues. That being said, over a year ago, I met this girl. She was super pretty and I just was attracted to her. I wanted to hug her or just touch her just so I could get rid of this clawing need to touch her. I talked to her when I first saw her and I was mildly upset when I didn't hug her, but it didn't really bother me. While I was in the same vicinity as her, I couldn't think about anything else but hugging her. I had no urge to kiss her, had no sexual arousal, just wanted to touch her. When I left, I totally forgot about her, like she didn't matter to me at all, and I moved on with my life. I saw her again a week later, we were at a Sunday event situation, and I just wanted to talk to her. I tried to play it off as me really wanting to be friends with her, till I realized that I wanted to date her. The realization was more of an acceptance, it didn't make me very happy, instead I felt rather upset about it. And not in a "I can't be a lesbian," but more in a "why would I want to date her?" I did however, flirt with some guys, and I rather enjoyed it. When I left, again I forgot about her and moved on. The next Sunday, she was there but there was also a new guy. He was all I wanted to think about. I had a huge crush on him. And that crush lasted well after I left the place, I was into him for several weeks. Can anyone advise me? I've never had sex with a guy, I feel that you need to be in a mature, adult relationship before that. Although, I almost have hooked up with men when drunk. I tend to fall all over any guy I see when I'm drunk, and since I don't go out much, it's usually a guy I know and have no attraction to what so ever. I have kissed a girl. It was alright, but I've had better kisses with guys.
You sound to me like a heterosexual biromantic. That means you're attracted to men sexually but you want to "settle down" with a man or a woman. It's not entirely unusual. But most people like you identify as straight, simply because most relationships involve sex, and so you probably couldn't have a satisfactory relationship with a woman.
Thanks a ton for the reply, Krilky! So the lack of sexual arousal to the girl I mentioned, is that what ties it up? I mean, I've had a few mild sexual arousals to women but when I see a naked women, I feel nothing other than some jealousy and appreciation. However, suffering from OCD has made me very scared of sex with a man. Although, I don't think I'd mind it, I'm scared I won't enjoy it enough. But, I have however cuddled with a lot of guys, and it wasn't too sexual, but there were some sexual/romantic undertones that I enjoyed.
