Hello! I'm nineteen, and, to be honest, have never been in a relationship. That is not to say that I've never been attracted to anyone else; I wanted to ask out a red-haired girl in my high school, but she was moving at the end of the semester so I never asked her. So, until now, I always thought of myself as a straight guy. That's why when I met John (not his actual name), I never thought I'd think of him this way. You see, we've been close friend for two years now. A year ago, I noticed that I would look at him differently than my other guy friends. I payed attention to his musculature, to his hair, to how he smelled. I put it down to jealousy (I'm self-conscious of my...minimal physique), that I was envious of how attractive he was (perfect blue eyes and a wide, white-toothed smile). We've been known to do things that might be considered flirting--on occasion we've played footsie under a table, or he'd ruffle my hair--but it was a little brother/big brother thing. But, one night at a lake (under the stars, of course it had to be under the stars), everything shifted. I grabbed him, playfully, and we fell down onto the grass. I put his head in my lap and sort of...fondled him (is that the right word?). I put my arms over his shoulder and rubbed his abs. We didn't say anything to each other, but another one of my friends came over and I spoke with her briefly. The whole time, all I could think about was how warm John was, how loud his heart was, and how utterly, blissfully safe I felt. Various cuddling sessions have happened since, but now that he's gone for the summer, I realize that I miss him more than I think a straight man should. He's my friend, sure, him being gone makes me lonely. But my other friends surround me, so I shouldn't be lonely. But if I'm not lonely, why do I curl up on my bed and think about putting my head on his chest? I have dreams about kissing him, and I can't stop myself from texting him every day. I thought I was straight, and I don't know if I'm gay. I want to cuddle and kiss him (there's no point denying that, I've had a lot of time to think about this), but I don't think I want to have anything more physical than that. Sometimes, I notice women's breasts and faces and rears. Then I see a picture of John on Facebook and desperately want to call him. Am I just lonely? Am I gay? Am I bi-sexual? I don't really know, and I'm worried that if I don't look for an answer soon, I'll wrap myself up in fantasies about him and never find anything out (and basically objectify him, which I'd prefer not to do, we are good friends). I feel like I'm trapped by emotions I don't understand at all. I hope that if any of you have gone through something similar, you could tell me how you sorted it out. Do you think I should talk to him about this? Sincerely, Someone who doesn't know
I would say to not worry about labels. Love doesn't need a gender. Have you ever felt about women as intensely as you feel for him? Do vaginas make you go "yucky"? I personally have been in love with both a woman and a man, not at the same time obviously. But if you feel romantically and sexually inclined to both then that would be bisexual, if you wouldn't touch a woman sexually even with a ten foot pole but you love men then that would seem like homosexuality to me.
In my opinion, you should talk to him about your feelings. I'm similar to you, in that I had always considered myself straight (I'd even been sexually involved with girls) until I met my version of your "John". I too noticed that I liked being around him (moreso than my other friends), and missed him terribly during the summer (an emotion I had never felt till I met him). If he lets you rest your head on him, odds are he has similar feelings, at least to an extent. So I'd recommend just talking about your feelings to him. If you don't really know where to start, just talk about some LGBT issue (like gay marriage) to get the conversation going, then casually tell him you may have a crush on him. He probably already knows (or suspects) you have the feelings you do. And you need to know whether or not he reciprocates these feelings. Even if he doesn't, he'll let you know that, so you can move on. If you don't, you're feelings for him will only increase until you eventually do. As for the "sexual" part of "homosexual", I have very little sexual desire for men in general. But once I'm at a certain point in a relationship, those feelings flair up with full force. So, I wouldn't worry about the label right now, but I'm technically a homoromantic demisexual. Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any other questions!
Thank you so much for your help. I think I'll try to worry less about labels and more about how I feel. I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk to him yet, but that would probably be the best option. Thank you two again for your responses.
