Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time! First of all, I didn't really know where to post because I'm kind of all over the place: apologies if you feel I ended up on the wrong thread. And also: my native language isn't english, so please forgive my mistakes! I feel pretty weird posting it. Kind of like when I was 14 and the internet was brand new and allowed so much freedom and potental new connections to happen - which was also very unsettling. I always defined myself as straight, until a few years ago a friend who is bi herself casually mentioned in a conversation that she could picture me with a woman - to which I immediately replied that I could picture that, too. Since then, I've been wondering. I'm not really wondering anymore now, I 've come to recognize that I do like women, too, and that I probably have since primary school. But it's a lot to take. Over the last few years, I've tried to take it very casually, not questionning it too much and just watch it unfold, happen, if it had to. But now that I'm quite sure, it seems that it is a bigger deal, even to me, that I want it to be. It changes more than I'm comfortable with. I'm 26 and I've only ever been in heterosexual relationships. I'm finishing my studies and starting a career. I'm ambitious and I haven't choosen an easy path, if a passionate one. I'm not a natural when it comes to relationships - I'm a child of divorce, I didn't have a very securing childhood before that either and my teenagehood was kinda messy as well, (which I think is also why I couldn't face that I liked women too at that time and pushed it back, which was done easily since after all I did like guys). I'm very intensively dealing with that past right now, because... you know, I'm 26, and I just realised it wouldn't go away just magically :dry:. So, even now, realising this feels like a burden. The thing is, I feel like I want to live who I am, that is, I want to be out and true to myself. It's just... I seem to get even more insecure when it comes to girls than I already am about boys. I totally don't feel nearly good enough to 'score' any woman, especially gay or bi one that are out and proud, and look so strong and confident to me. I've told some people, casually, over the last few years. It was all fine and noone acted that surprised, but since we were being so casual I could never talk about how it made me feel. I don't know anyone in my situation. It seems to be an easier transition for most people than it is for me. They'd just start dating someone of the same sex and wonder as little as possible, or they'd keep dating whoever they were dating and have fun or fantasize on the side (bisexual ones, that is). While me, I freeze, and think I'm never ever gonna be able to make a same-sex relationship work, since i couldn't manage a hetero one and the former are under even more pressure... or so I believe. Plus the whole uneasy deal about questionning some of my so-called platonic friendships. Plus the "I'm new at this"-issue! I'm feeling a lot while writing this down. I feel very small and vulnerable. Even though it kinda sucks right now, I also think it is a good sign: I'm now ready to face it, even when it makes me uncomfortable. Can anyone relate to one or the other things that are coming up for me? How did you face that?
I've had this same thing, almost PRECISELY the same situation ... I'm younger (20), but I've only recently been able to face it: I'm definitely bi, and I don't particularly want to have to deal with that, but in a way I feel way stronger than I ever have before. I mean, I'm just shocked by how refreshed, how ME I feel. I think once the initial rush of fear (good lord, can I relate to that) passes, you'll feel really strong.
Thanks, it's good to hear you know the feeling! And I do feel some of that refreshment on my best days...
