I have no idea at all how to explain this, but I'll try. For some time this year I have been questioning my sexuality, or validating it in a sense; I would validate it by watching lesbian porn, which didn't really do much for me, I kind of got a 1/4 of a boner (?). If that LOL. Anyways lately I still feel the need to validate that I am in fact gay. And I want to be gay, like really. I started watching gay porn when I was about in 4th grade, so I was like 10. That's when I started masturbating too (I have no idea to what). I also started sexually experminting with a boy a year younger than me who lived near me (I still feel bad because of it), and I was incredibly hard, he was not lol. I still have watched gay porn throughout my life, and started fantasizing about guys around 6th grade, so like 12 years old. I don't when I actually came to the idea that I was gay, but I came out when I was 14. I still "dated" girls in junior high, I can tell I was emotionally attracted to them, I don't know about sexually, cause I still only jacked off to guys. And around my sophomore or frehsman year I would sext guys back and forth, and LOVED it. In december of my freshman year I was "talking' to a guy and I really, really liked him. My unstable emotions ended that, which left me super hurt, and suicidal. And that summer I was "talking" to an older guy (he was like 18 and I was 15) and within three days we were "in love" but my mom figured out and cause problems and somehow figured out where I live and went to my house; DRAMA. And this year I was "talking" to a guy early December and I really liked him, we never went on a date cause he was grounded the only time we could, but I went where he worked while he worked, and I felt just fucking awesome he I saw him, and it was the happiest I've felt in so long. And I miss it lol. That didn't work out cause we could, of course, never see each other. And I've noticed that I never have been emotionally attracted to a guy unless he shows affection to me first, which I could just be attracted to the fact that they are affectionate to me, and are quite good looking, and I'm quite the broken person who can easily fall for that, I mean: social outcast, no friends, abusive parents, inclined to depression. I find some guys sexy and I jack off to them (which I do... A LOT). But I haven't found a guy attractive since forever, and I even try to, like there's this one guy who I talk to on here, and I think he is super good looking and I want to be attracted to him, but idk I just can't, though I've only been talking to him for a day, and lately it's been harder to get a full erection by just thinking about guys sexually, and it's taking me much longer to orgasm by masturbating (I used to be able to do it under a minute usually), and the orgasms aren't as amazing sometimes. And sometimes gay porn is taking a longer time to arouse, where as it use to give me an instant boner. I'm scared to watch straight porn, because I'm afraid I'll be aroused, because I want to be gay, and guys haven't really been doing it for me like they used to :/. And I have been attracted to girls emotionally, I know I have. lately I've been wondering I was never truly gay to begin with and it was just some fetish thing and it's fading, and that I was attracted to those guys because they were being affectionate. I kind of don't feel genially gay, if that makes sense. I'm just so confused and it's literaly destroying me. I can't focus. I'm freaking out. I'm super anxious, and I just want to kill myself honestly
Well, if you're not gay, what will you be? Do you really believe that your attraction to guys for so long was just a fluke?
Hmm.. I don't know, straight I guess.. I have no idea I guess it could be... that's why I posted this...
Hey, relax. Take a deep breath. You sound like you might be in a similar position to myself, that is, suddenly wanting to take it all back and explain it away, after adjusting to the LGBT community and identifying as bisexual (in your case, gay) and questioning for around a year, before that. I'm not sure what caused it in my case, perhaps realizing I might have been 'gayer' than originally thought. It comes with the whole self-acceptance part of the coming out process, and personally, I think it might be the most difficult part. There's no shame in doubting, questioning, experimenting. I've seen far too many straight men become distraught over watching transexual porn, too many gay men and lesbians over falling head over heels for a member of the opposite sex, and bisexuals not knowing which side to 'pick' but feeling pressured to, anyway. This will pass, believe me. What worked for me was to 'own' the fear, start labeling myself as 'gay' privately, to see where it went. If you're straight, it won't matter, and you'll say it wasn't for you, and if you are gay, it can only help in the self-acceptance and questioning arena.
You could be I guess, biromantic homosexual, if I had to label you. Well anywho, about the porn thing. The more you see the more you get immune to its sexy effects. It takes me a while to get aroused to gay porn to, but once I start I must finish. I recommend straight porn, just to see who you focus on, the guy or girl. That will tell you more.
Porn alone shouldn't be used as an absolute indicator of anything, especially with so much different types of genres, preferences, and plasticity that might result from prolonged effects, especially for teenagers, whose bodies and brains are still developing. At least in my case, I started noticing how difficult it was to masturbate without it, and when I did, my mind was flooded with scenes needed to become aroused. What I'd normally find unappealing became appealing after just days of exposure. And he's the third person on EC I've seen in the last 24 hours drive themselves into an unhealthy state of mind over labeling. I'm convinced labels are toxic for those of us still questioning. Bisexual fits me, and when someone suggests I pick straight or gay, I feel the same way: trapped, confused, afraid, depressed, irritable.
none of us was gay to being with, it happened as we mature and we have preferences, so we have to accept ourselves first
