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utterly befuddled

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tabris, Jun 24, 2013.

  1. tabris

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    i am 17 years old. i am going to college this august and i have massive jitters, which probably made me think a lot about this part of me that i always try to ignore.

    i am biologically a female. i was never a "girly" girl but i was never very boyish too. i remember being very neutral as a little kid. i didn't play with dolls nor did i play with robots or toy cars. i mostly read books. i didn't enjoy dress shopping yet i didn't enjoy physically-demanding games that most boys do. it was more-or-less like that.

    when i was in the second year of middle school, i was around 13 at the time, i started noticing how my physical features aren't very feminine. yes, i do have healthy reproduction organs and boobs (though cute petite) but my shoulders are wide and the shape of my body overall isn't very womanly. also at the time i was overweight. all in all i hated my body then. girly clothes for my age started to not fit me since i was fat so my mum started buying me clothes which are intended to be worn by boys.

    and then i started thinking i look a slight bit better with boys' clothes on.

    since then i've been dressing up real boyish. people started calling me a "tomboy". and then my peers started telling me i look handsome. a classmate once (jokingly, perhaps) told me if i was a real boy she would date me.

    i was elated. i loved being called a boy. but the weird thing was, i was still unable to hang out with boys. i was much more comfortable being around girls and was very awkward around boys.

    i dress like a boy but couldn't act like one. i look like a boy but i only feel comfortable hanging out with girls.

    i stopped thinking too much about it and continued being a "tomboy". it also came to the point that having to wear formal women clothes to wedding celebrations or graduation and/or wearing heels and make-up make me want to puke or cry or both. lately though, it's gotten worse. i've recently been wanting to look manlier than i already am. so i decided to cut my hair real short. none of my facial features hinted at me being a female. i started being mistaken as man again, even more so than before.

    it feels great.

    then i started wishing i don't have curves and boobs and stuff. i started thinking that the male body is very beautiful and have become very observant about it. cute boys make me want to be them, not be /with/ them. physically, i want to be a man. but i'm still awkward around men and i really don't get it.

    as for support, i get none. my mum's very silent about my manlier appearance and opted to act like nothing's wrong. she still thinks it's a phase. i told a friend i thought is very open about this sort of stuff and she said she doesn't believe gender as a socially constructed thing and that she believes gender=sex. she promised she wouldn't tell this "secret" of mine to anyone and i trust her but it still feels real shitty. my dad outspokenly declared he didn't like me cutting my hair and looking like a guy. but then again, i come from a muslim family and these sorts of stuff is just some big no-no. and i also come from indonesia which means society just don't fucking get it.

    on the other hand, getting a sex change never once crossed my mind. i don't want that nope. i am also more sexually attracted to females though the sense of comfort i get from hanging out with women so much must have a hand in that.

    but i also mostly masturbate to gay porn. guy-on-guy.

    i might sound confusing as hell but that's purely due to the fact that i myself am confused of me. utterly so. i just don't get me.

    now going to public restrooms scare me because going to the women's scare me and going to the men's scare me even more. and i imagined college would be hell or something i really don't know.

    even with all the 'but i wanna be a dude" thoughts, i have days that i want to wear slightly (/slightly/) more feminine clothes and be called a girl nowadays. it fluctuates confusingly and it just hurts my head. sobs.

    i guess i just wanted to vent. oh, and does all of this make me gender-fluid/queer or something?