It's been years now since I've finally found the word to put to my feelings. I know what I am. I hate it, I genuinely HATE it. My question/statement/rant is, how does everyone OUT there do it? I mean. I've tried to invision a future for myself. I know how I want to live, I know what I want to do, and who I want to be. And I just don't think it's possible. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I can try to, I wont 'pass'. There's something off-putting about a woman with size 15 feet :/ I've tried repressing it. Oh, tried. Tried NOT to think about it. Tried being...normal. It just doesn't work. I've hit the lowest of the lows lately. I withdrawn from everybody I care(d) about. And all I can feel now is empty. I can't cry, I can't express any emotion of any sort. I really just don't know what to do, or where to go from here. :help:
Hey...(*hug*) If it helps at all, I understand. I really do. I have a bit of the classic "I knew I was different from a young age" story, but its different because from about 12-19 I gave up and somehow repressed it. I also became very depressed and started cutting, so I guess that tells you how well repressing it works. Anyway, over the past year or so its been coming up and I can't fight it anymore. I know deep down that I'm a guy. Some days it hits me that I really am a guy, but my body really isn't. I don't have words to describe how bad that feels. For the past year (especially the past few months) I turned to alcohol to dull the pain. To make me not care. To stop feeling like my skin was crawling when binding/packing/dressing in guys clothes just wasn't enough. It became a bit of a problem which a friend pointed out to me. She asked me to stop...today is one week sober and its been the hardest week in a long time. I'm starting to realize I need to find some way to actually be comfortable with myself, but it scares me. So I understand... I wish I had some magical advice that would help, but I really don't. Just take all the strength you have and use it to be yourself. F*** anyone who stares, or says anything, or doesn't accept you for who you really are. If you ever want to talk you can message me, anytime. (*hug*)
