I'm not sure sure anymore....

I used to think that I was just an androgyne. Then I thought that maybe I was genderfluid since I have some moments of intense femininity. Now I'm thinking that I'm probably transgender.

I think I might have mentioned something like this before, but it's really crazy now. I have this urge now and then to just donate all my dresses, skirts, and high heels to Goodwill. But it's hard to part with them. I have so many great memories attached to some of them.

Then again, it could just be my BPD talking. I feel like I'm doomed to go through phases for the rest of my life and never know who I am or what I want. It's really scary because I'm worried that if I do change my expression, be it through changing my wardrobe or changing my body, that somewhere down the line, I'll regret it and become suicidal again like I always do when I realize I've made a really bad decision.

But some of my earliest memories are of being fascinated with boys. At first, I thought it was just that I had crushes on them, but when I was about 6 or 7, I realized that that wasn't what it was. I remember watching Disney's Pocahontas and having this epiphany that I didn't have a crush on John Smith; I wanted to be him!

In some ways, I still kind of do. I want to be adventurous and outdoorsy and rugged and shoot guns and be able to take off my shirt whenever I damn well please so everyone can admire the 6-pack that I don't have yet and be part of a brotherhood and just be one of the guys!

I remember in high school, guys would get made fun of for wearing a pink shirt. But whenever I wore something pink, people would tell me I looked cute and that it was a good color for me and stuff. I couldn't understand why no one thought it was weird or funny when I wore a pink shirt to school.

Then one time in college, I was talking to someone, and without even thinking, I referred to my male friends as "the other guys". At first, I was kind of shocked that I even said it, but the more I thought about it, the more it started to make sense. So I started wearing boxers, but then I got into a serious relationship and stopped.

Fastforward through dropping out of college, marrying my ex-husband, getting divorced, and marrying my current husband.

He's actually the one who suggested I start wearing boxer briefs. I wear boxers, too. I strut around in cargo shorts and t-shirts. When I (am trying to) present male, I feel a sense of freedom. I don't feel obligated to hold awkward conversations with random strangers in the check-out line in the grocery store or break down with people when they get upset. I feel more free, I guess. I am OK with being a dick occasionally or not knowing exactly how people feel. I don't feel the need to fake empathy when someone comes crying to me. When people want to gossip with me, I can just be like, "Dude, I don't care" instead of pretending I agree with them or even care what they're talking about. I can be tough. I can be that outspoken person that I want to be. I can even dance in the aisles at Walmart without worrying about looking awkward! It makes me feel so good, in fact, that I'm considering :eek: top surgery!

Still not sure, though. Again, I go through a lot of phases, so I'm not sure if this is something I want to do or not. I'm married to a straight man in a state that is violently opposed to same-sex marriage. I've heard of some legal loopholes, but you can't always count on those. I'm not even sure they're legit anyway. I'm worried that, if I got top surgery, he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore and would leave me. Who knows? If I did, he may not. He might fall in love with me all over again because I'd (hopefully) be more who I am than I've ever been. Or maybe he'll get upset because people will probably start labeling him as gay.

But what worries me the most is that I might just be trying to find something to hide behind. I dunno. I'm kind of conflicted, but I'm pretty sure that, no matter what, I don't plan on ever getting bottom surgery. Might get an STP packer, but that's it. That's as far as I'd go.

So....thoughts? Comments? Insight?

 

Thank you! (*hug*)

It's always been like that with Disney movies for me. I wanted to be John Smith, Gaston, Peter Pan, Captain Jack Sparrow, Hades, Aladdin, and I really identify with Iron Man played by Robert Downy, Jr. When I first saw Fight Club, I wanted to be Jack (the main character, played by Edward Norton, although that's not officially the character's name). I also see myself in "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick and a lot of Wheezer's songs, especially "Buddy Holly". I also kind of identified with Mulan, but I just didn't want to be all ladylike and shit like most of the female characters. I wanted to be the hero. I wanted to be badass like them, and I still do. It's just a lot of different things. My husband says he loves my body and my mind, so I'm sure he'll still love me. And I feel more free to love as a man, which I'm sure he won't mind. Whenever we're out together and I'm dressed like a guy, I just want to hang on him. I love him so much!

I have been doing a lot of shopping lately, just trying on all these clothes from the boys' department. I found that the button-front shirts don't really fit because the sleeves on them are really wide. Maybe if I bound my chest, they'd fit better. Not sure. Men's button-front shirts tend to be too long in the body and the sleeves. In jeans, I wear a 28x30 in men's and a 14 or 16 in boys'. Men's shoes are usually too big, and boys' shoes are too small. I've been looking for unisex-looking women's shoes, which is not easy. Unisex clothes tend to be my best bet.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.